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to stop DP having any of his own time?

(121 Posts)
Kaedsmum Fri 08-Aug-08 19:26:13

It's a horrible way to think, but we have a 3 and a half month old baby and he works 40 hours a week. He spends the rest of his time with us as he's a family man. We go off and do things together, days out, visit people. However, we have very limited money.

He's started a football team up at his work and expects to go and play with them but it infuriates me because I NEVER get any time to myself. he works 5 days a week and the other two days we look after the baby together. but say he was to nip out to see a friend, family, go to the pub, even go to the shop, he can just go and do it. I can't. if I even want to go to the shop I'd have to think about where caters for babies, I'd have to put the car seat in the car which is a faff, or take the pram which means I can't push a shopping trolley, do everything around feeds and poops and alsorts.

But he can just go and do whatever.

Yes he works hard and I shouldn't begrudge him time on his own, but I can never just scoot off on my own.

Do you know what I mean?

yes i am unreasonable but surely someone can sympathise?

Kaedsmum Fri 08-Aug-08 19:27:14

Also, I could never go to the pub even if I wanted to.

hotbot Fri 08-Aug-08 19:29:05

why? dont understand why you cant go out one evening? doesn't need to cost, even friends for a cuppa

MaloryDontDiveItsShallow Fri 08-Aug-08 19:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaloryDontDiveItsShallow Fri 08-Aug-08 19:30:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotbot Fri 08-Aug-08 19:30:38

btw, it really does get better with the baby thing, its so hard , i found its easier after 6 months

lilacclaire Fri 08-Aug-08 19:30:56

Why can't you go out when he is there to watch the baby?

stripeytiger Fri 08-Aug-08 19:31:06

I do completely sympathise,but......I'm afraid welcome to motherhood. You do get used to it and it does seem less of a faff as they get older. But I really, really know where you are coming from.

Denny185 Fri 08-Aug-08 19:31:22

Welcome to motherhood smile think we all empathise, it does get easier. Can DH look after LO for a couple of hours one pm/over weekend so you can do something (even if just the weekly shop) alone. If you are BF, go out straight after a feed or express and leave a bottle.

lilacclaire Fri 08-Aug-08 19:31:28

And yes its very hard, still early days.

Hecate Fri 08-Aug-08 19:31:41

Why can't you go out alone? hmm

When he gets home from work, go out.

When he is home at the weekend, go out.

You don't have to take the baby everywhere with you you know, pop out on your own.

It's not that you need to stop HIM having some time to himself, it's that you need the same.

FiveGoMadInDorset Fri 08-Aug-08 19:32:25

Sorry but YABU, it is hard with a baby but you have to make the time for yourself aswell, DH goes to the pub and I go to Bookclub/cinema with my friends, that way we both have time for ourselves.

hotbot Fri 08-Aug-08 19:32:31

i think you may be a bit down and finding it a bit tough, i think youre definately not alone and really it does get better - it does just seem endless to you atm?

Kaedsmum Fri 08-Aug-08 19:33:05

Well partly I'd feel guilty for going out and leaving him with the baby when he's worked, as I'm expected to look after the baby because he's tired when he's not at work IYSWIM. Like say he comes in at 8pm, we bath the baby together and then I get him changed, feed him, make his bottles, get him to bed etc.

Although, actually, come to think of it hotbot, he has started making the bottles and things lately, maybe we are getting into more of a routine as we go along and it will become easier.

Heifer Fri 08-Aug-08 19:33:30

Let him play football and sort yourself out to get some time on your own also!

It can and should be done! doesn't need to cost anything.. Go around a friends hours for a few hours one night a week, schedule it in every week.

DH can look after your baby for 2 hrs surely, even if you are bf..

Do it and Do it now... You BOTH need time out..

Smithagain Fri 08-Aug-08 19:34:35

Agree with Malory - you both need time to yourselves. It's hard, but not impossible when your baby is so young. Even if you're breastfeeding (I did, for a year, but still managed evenings out at girly things/meetings for things I'm interested in. Sometimes I had to come home when DH called to say I was needed, but many times the baby just slept through the whole thing).

Try and discuss how you can both get a break. It's so easy to just let things drift and never get round to it.

moondog Fri 08-Aug-08 19:35:57

Don't feel guily. You've worked all day too! Nowt wrong with taking a bit of time to yourself. Let him and do it yourself.

Goober Fri 08-Aug-08 19:36:01

YABU. Sorry but you are. Being a martre is not attractive.

Kaedsmum Fri 08-Aug-08 19:36:11

okeydoke, glad I asked because it seems we do need time to ourselves. I'd like to go swimming and get back in shape, and go for a hot chocolate with my friends sometimes.

moondog Fri 08-Aug-08 19:36:27

I soooo know what you mean though about men just being able to go. It's hard isn't it?

Hecate Fri 08-Aug-08 19:36:41

well THAT needs to stop for a start! Looking after a baby is fucking EXHAUSTING!! You REALLY need to leave him with his child for the day so he gets an idea of how tiring it is.

You need to do what YOU want, don't ask permission, don't put everyone above yourself. Fucking well go out. Get your coat on, say "I'm going to the shop, back in half an hour" and leg it! This is his child too, so him looking after the baby on his own should be normal, no big deal, not an issue!

And if it is so easy to look after a baby and not tiring like 'proper' work - then he should be fine, shouldn't he?!

Smithagain Fri 08-Aug-08 19:37:05

I also remember feeling that I "couldn't" ask DH to do baby stuff first time around, because he was working so hard and needed his sleep. But you know what, second time around it was just totally impossible for me to do everything. So he did deal with broken nights, toddler tantrums etc - and still managed a hard week at work. And we're a better team as a result.

bogie Fri 08-Aug-08 19:40:20

I used to feel like this about dp but he plays semi pro football and works 40 hours so he is out tuesday and thursday night straight from work for 3 hours and saturday for about 4 hours.
But if I don't let him do this and don't let him see his friends for golf or whatever he isn't happy you can see it in him.
He will let me go out if I want to but I have nowhere to go so I stay in all the time.

DonDons Fri 08-Aug-08 19:41:07

what hectate said

(my dd is same age as yours and I swim twice a week and I am BFing - it's not impossible)

bubblagirl Fri 08-Aug-08 19:41:59

i feltm the same resentment felt i had to stay in etc as had baby best decision i made was to tell dpp i was off out one night and had best time felt so ill next day i knew i didnt want it to be regular accurance

my dp works 20 hr days and works away time to time so i felt he needed his time and i couldnt have any but he loves it he gets time alone with ds and i am happoer as i have had space

i would say providing his not working away i'll go out once a fortnight if away once every 6 weeks but i go out and thats the difference

and he loves having place to himself as he never gets to watch what he wants on tv never gets ds to himself although if his done long day i will have ds in bed before i go out

dont be resentful either you can have time out as he can its good for you both and good for baby as has happy parents

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