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To feel that second born means second best in our (extended) family...

(16 Posts)
wotnopulling Fri 08-Aug-08 18:29:19

dd2 turns one in a matter of weeks. big milestone, it's been a rough year but she's a real delight now and i really want to celebrate getting to this point.

for dd1 we had small gathering, grandparents only for tea and cake. was planning the same for dd2 only now it seems my parents won't be coming (mum has to work - though she could take holiday and they can't find anywhere to stay as usual guesthouse is full. there are others...) and m-i-l rang yesterday to see if she can bring step-cousin as she is babysitting.

so no show from my parents and m-i-l doubling up with a spot of babysitting.

aibu to feel poor dd2 is not getting the attention she deserves on her special day? and yes, i know she's oblivious now but she won't always be. dd1 loves to look at photos and videos of her birthdays. surely dd2 is going to spot the difference between everyone making an effort for her sister and not for her.

i feel bad for her. second babies can get a rough deal i think as people think 'oh we've done that once' - but with dd1 not dd2.

rant over.

NoBiggy Fri 08-Aug-08 18:32:22

Yes. In many ways you're right. But there are distinct advantages to being second which pay off later. I fully expect that DD2 will watch DD1 make her mistakes, not make them herself and become every inch the evil genius that her (second born) mother is.


milknosugar Fri 08-Aug-08 18:35:12

do something different. you will feel better and you cant get the awkward questions. yes 2nd kids are differnt, everyone cried when ds1 was born, no one did for the rest. apparently by the time you get to 4 you shouldnt care about any milestones

wotnopulling Fri 08-Aug-08 18:35:14

ohmygod. how did you.....?!

you mean it's all about ME?

now i feel really bad!

wotnopulling Fri 08-Aug-08 18:39:39

i think i might have to ignore nobiggy. she is creepy. grin i smile as there is no emoticon for 'spooked'.

and yes, milknosugar, I think you're right and that's what we'll do.

but still feel disappointed. and unsettled by nobiggy - who is the real evil genius here i feel...

noonki Fri 08-Aug-08 18:47:03

DS2 1st birthday was such a non-event that we had to ring all of his grandparents to remind them (the day after) that maybe they had missed something

despite us reminding them a week before...

I actually forced my dad to send him a card as he only got 4 whereas DS1 got over 30!

partly our doing as well held about 3 parties around the country for DS1 and one little one for DS2!

as I second child I am appalled at my behaviour grin

wotnopulling Fri 08-Aug-08 18:50:22

am i being really over sensitive then? maybe i should just lighten up...

HonoriaGlossop Fri 08-Aug-08 19:20:09

I would do something else completely so that the two occasions can't be compared.

Take a trip to the Zoo or local farm or something. Take birthday cake with you, these places are usually accommodating for that sort of thing and you can either picnic or sit in the cafe....

bunchoflowers Fri 08-Aug-08 19:26:54

There's tons of books on birth order and the effect it has on your personality. 1st children do tend to be more successful.

Dynamicnanny Fri 08-Aug-08 20:03:00

I would just invite your friends and her godparents they love her as much as your family

KatieDD Fri 08-Aug-08 20:32:32

We weren't even at DD2's 1st Birthday we were on our honeymoon angry <- no icon for embarrassed.

Elkat Fri 08-Aug-08 21:01:55

As a parent, I feel soooo sorry for my DD2. You're right in that no-one pays as much attention to them, many people completely forgot her first birthday altogether. She's always getting pulled from pillar to post by her big sister, getting toys taken away from her, lives in handmedowns and recycled toys from her big sister. I often look at her and feel sorry for her for being the second (youngest) child...

... But then I remember that I am almost the youngest child, and that I had it so much easier than my older brother, I got away with far more than he ever did and so on... and up until 5 years ago (when DD1 was born) I always wondered why anyone would want to be the eldest - always swore blind that it was must easier being the youngest.

And yes, my parents have got far less photos of me than my bro, I always lived in hand me downs... and so on... but it never actually bothered me, and I suspect it won't bother your DD2 either. Do as a pp suggests and do something completely different - a trip out etc, then there's no comparison to be made grin

wotnopulling Fri 08-Aug-08 21:06:31

thanks all for sound advice. a trip to gym (on a friday?! sad, i know) has lightened my mood a bit. yes, will plan something completely different.
ta! smile

barnsleybelle Fri 08-Aug-08 21:22:19

I too have got dc2 coming up for her 1st birthday and just can't seem to get myself organised to arrange anything! Dh will be in the middle of his 8 week stint away so not got the energy..

Glad to hear i'm not alone!

By the way, maybe i'm wrong but when i read the post by nobiggy i thought she was kind of jokey referring to herself and her own kids. I don't know what the abbreviation means though so maybe i mis read it.

CuckooClockWorkOrange Fri 08-Aug-08 21:25:07

dc2 is in speech therapy, and it's all about play really. we go and we 'play' and they watch me and tell me what I should be doing and saying to encourage speech. (he has been diagnosed with moderate to severe speech delay).

And I thought to myself, I played 24/7 with dc1. With dc2, I just checked they weren't killing eachother and then got on with everything I needed to do.

So I feel if dc2 and been dc1, he really might be chattign away now. Feel bad.

wotnopulling Fri 08-Aug-08 23:53:32

barnsleybelle, you're right! and there's me thoroughly spooked. Oops blush. gawd...

cuckooclockworkorange, i do understand why you feel like you do but i bet if you asked the speech therapist s/he would put your mind at rest. my two are so different to each other i just know they're going to have different strengths/weaknesses. and although you haven't had the time to play as much with dc2 as you did with dc1 the second baby does have the sibling to learn from and no mother can devote the same time to two children individually as they can to one, it's just not possible, so you mustn't feel bad.
easier said than done, i know. i'm constantly worrying about one or other of mine. sleep. weight. speech. development. socialisation. birthdays! a mother's place is in the wrong! (we're better off on mumsnet)

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