Our son is six weeks old now. For a few weeks after the birth I had the typical PND thoughts inadequacy, hopelessness, regret, paranoia about the baby being harmed, etc; thankfully that is passing now.
But it was all felt a lot worse than it could have been due to a sudden change in my DP's behaviour. He became totally focused on the baby, ignored me or was snappy and hostile towards me. He had been very kind and loving all through the pregnancy, it was such a shock of transition. (We had only been together about 6 months before that, DS unplanned but not unwelcome.)
Now DP is silent and uptight most of the time. My mum came to help out for a few weeks, he was rude and argumentative towards her until she left early. He quit work very suddenly, claiming it was "too much pressure". So i am back to work (from home) already, which is a little stressful, but I don't have much choice.
DP sits fiddling with the computer all day, often with the baby on his lap. Sometimes, when i offer or ask to take the baby DP complains and doesn't want to let him go, which plugs straight into my feelings of inadequacy and lack of bonding, resent for his monopolisation of DS.
I talked with DP about how we would have to share some of the load of housework now that i am working again. He agreed and this lasted for about 2 days. I find myself doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning up, stocking up on baby things, preparing baths, etc.
Like a mug I am doing everything around the house because the alternative is piles of stinking nappies, rubbish, empty fridge, running out to the late night chemist to get baby supplies. I find it a strain to have to buy and make food all the time, but can't let myself run down the blood sugar and make the tiredness and sadness even worse.
DP is going to language classes, he has his time free, and still does very little to help look after us all. He is great with the baby and helps do the night feeds and I probably don't appreciate that for what it is.
I tell myself that time will pass and things will get better but it seems to get no better day by day. I can deal with the tiredness, inability to relax, slow passing of the depression, the sleep deprivation, but the worst thought is that DP just doesn't really care, that he's just switched off, and no longer seems like the same person. His company is worse than no company at all.
So is he depressed or just lazy and indifferent? How can I get him to help more without nagging or begging? I don't want either to be a martyr or to be selfish. I used to travel a lot, have an entertaining professional life. Now I face a life of drudgery for a man who no longer loves me, for the sake our amazing little boy
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AIBU?
... to feel my DP has just switched off and stopped trying?
9 replies
zuleyka · 07/08/2008 16:40
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