Am I being unreasonable for just once my dp noticed...

[inaquandary]

anything about me. I met my dp and son for lunch today (not a common occurence) and made a real effort hair make up new clothes etc and not once did he even comment on how nice I looked - I am so sick of being taken for granted never ever being seen - this is obviously the tip of a huge iceberg but just needed to get it out - sitting at work now wanting to cry - that sounds pathetic I know but just for once I would like him to say something nice

[Iklboo]

You know if you met him in a bean-stained string vest with your skirt tucked in your knickers he would notice you
He's a bloke. If I ever went missing DH would never be able to tell police what I was wearing cos he never notices. I've come home in completely different clothes to what I went out in before now (changed for night out) and he didn't realise
Sorry it's getting you down though

[inaquandary]

Like a say tip of a very large iceberg - I am 46 years old not 106 and actually dont look too bad just wish someone would bloody notice me instead of looking straight through me - even my daughter said I looked like someone else yesterday when I had my hair cut - someone else being her father's mistress (althoug to be honest I feel like the mistress these days - without the sex)!! Sorry perhaps I should start a rant somewhere else

[VictorianSqualor]

Her father's mistress?
Is he having an affair?

[Iklboo]

Rant away here - I understand you're feeling down & disheartened - who wouldn't?
I have to ask if I look OK when I dress up - I don;t get 'spontaneous' comments from DH

DS always says I look lovely but he's 2 - and I'm dreading him growing out of it cos its the only compliments I ever get

[inaquandary]

OK lets re-phrase that mistress may not be the right word - dont know what to call her as he does not admit to anything going on - he had an affair she got pregnant had his baby etc etc - i've know about it for some time but our dcs didnt until recently - my dd has met her when meeting her new sibling - obvioulsy thinks I look like her now my hair is short - so dont - so just dont know what to do with all the feelings have inside of me - thought I was coping but I'm not just want to run away from it all but cant because of kids - dont know what to do cant talk to anyone - emailed Samaritans about two weeks ago even they did not reply to me - god now I sound so pathetic

[DaphneMoon]

Why an earth are you still with him! To have an affair is one thing, to have a child whilst having an affair is another.

[margesimpsonmoment]

Oh my god. I can't believe you even have to ask about your reasonableness. You've clearly decided to forgive your husband (or try to) so i won't go on about what i think of HIM. I really feel for you and hope you can get your self esteem back.

[VictorianSqualor]

Bloody hell.
I'm assuming you've decided to try and work on your relationship so won't mention the way eh previously acted but the way he is acting now is totally unacceptable if it is making you feel so low.

What does he say when you try and talk to him? I presume you have tried to speak to him?

[SirDigbyChickenCaesar]

he doesn't admit to anything going on but she had his baby?

[inaquandary]

he says that there is nothing between them now - ie. since him getting her prgenant - dont believe him - I cant talk to him - I am too scared to talk to him - we pretend everything is OK we pretend a lot of stuff - I know there is not many people out there who will understand what its like to try and maintain a life - I am trying to get it back together for my kids sake but as it seems the simpleset thing sets me off ie. he didnt notice I made an effort - feeling very very low as I say just want to run away but would never do that to my kids - its all very well you all telling me to talk to him etc etc its not going to happen - just need to express myself at times on here - thank you for responding to my post

[lilmissmummy]

Thats terrible-I dont know enough to even try and help but lots of tea and sympathy being sent to you x

[inaquandary]

I know the only person that can help is me - I need to somehow from somewhere get the backbone to sit down and talk - but keep putting if off - ie. events keep coming up ie. dd b'day - our holiday and then it will be Christmas etc etc - feel like I have just become this really sad angry person that just wants to go away - better shut it down now at work and crying all over the shop !!!!!!

[spokette]

Just keep posting inaquandary. The worst thing you can do is to bottle it all up so please keep expressing yourself on here.

My DH gets upset when I don't notice that he has had a haircut. He thinks that I don't notice him anymore which is the not the case. However in your case, there are deeper issues and in time, you and your DH will have to address them but only do it when you feel you have the emotional strength to face it.

[Jodyray]

Usually it falls on deaf ears anyway when you do say something. I am 30 and I get more compliments from my kids and mates or even strangers when i am doing the shopping than I do from DP. He never says anything nice, even when we are going on a night out and I have made a real effort, not a peep. If i say do i look nice he says 'alright'...what the f*ck he may as well say nothing for all the confidence that gives me!!! I always have to ask him for a hug or a kiss etc and he is always the one who pulls away first. I may as well not bother. So you have every sympathy from me. Some men are just cold hearted!! Oh and before the backlash I know some women are too as my best mate is!!

[BananaSkin]

Gosh, this isn't really about noticing your hair etc, is it. He should surely be bending over backwards to re-win your trust & help build you back up. I'm sorry you are going through this. Can you go to counselling with him. If you are scared to talk, I assume he is intimidating. You really need another person there to be neutral and mediate.

My DH doesn't really notice how I look, which can work both ways. Some of my friends have husbands who comment when they put on weight etc - that would drive me nuts; I'd rather he was slightly oblivious.

Good luck. You sound incredibly brave and selfless.

[DaphneMoon]

Jodyray: My ex was exactly the same as your DP, which is why he is my ex. Never even told me I looked nice on my wedding day. Never paid me compliments, never praised me. Did the Race for life, he was at the finish line along with some friends relations etc, they all said well done, he said nothing! Needless to say, I met someone else and left him. He is with someone else now and I know he has learnt from this and is a lot nicer to her. My new DP is always complimenting me, we compliment each other, I know that's not what life is all about, but at least I know he loves me, which I never knew with my Ex as he never showed it at all.

Inaquandry: I have to say that if my ex or even my DP had an affair I could possibly forgive, but to have a baby, no sorry this is unforgivable. I actually feel sorry for the mistress too, as presumably she has been left as a single parent with a baby.

Leave him, get on with your life. YOUR DERSERVE MORE THAN THIS SHIT.

[inaquandary]

I know that the majority of you would leave him - but its so not that easy - been together 20 years - financially am quite dependent on him ie. house in his name. He adores his children and I would genuinely miss him and having a "family life". I wonder how many other women out there just put up and shut up like me - 100s I suspect but perhaps they dont admit to it like I do. I know that something has got to give but you know when you try and try to get someone to tell you the truth and they just refuse to what can you do - I have given him so many opportunitys to sit down and talk get it all out in the open - most of you would not beleive the weird life we have set up for ourselves by that I mean the level of pretence in our lives - I cant beleive it has come to this after all these years - I actually feel like I am his dirty little secret and not her - that would be really hard to explain so wont even try - life is so hard most of the time emotionally - dont know what to do next most days but get up and get on with it - try to be good to the kids and not show too much emotion - its killing me

[spokette]

Inaquandary, you deserve to be with someone who will respect and cherish you. For that to happen, either your H has to change dramatically or you will have to meet someone else. Don't throw your life away on H if he won't change (and he won't) - you deserve better.

Try to think about what you would gain rather than what you would lose if you left this hollow marriage. At the moment, your H is the puppet master and has everyone dancing to his tune. Somehow you need to find the emotional strength and courage to take control of your destiny, make some difficult decisions and look to the future for you and your DC. He does not respect you and you deserve better than that.

Can I suggest that you speak to the Citizen Advice Bureau about your legal position with respect to finances etc if you do decide to leave your H. Forearmed is forewarned and that would help to alleviate the uncertainty in your mind about your financial dependence on him.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

[lizziemun]

I'm not going to say 'leave him' as that is only something you can decide. But i do think you need to go and have some counselling to work on yourself and rebuild your self worth and then maybe couple counselling with him.

[YeahBut]

inaquandry, is that you? You look amazing today! I love your hair! That outfit is great on you!

OK, less flippantly, lots of good advice on here, IAQ. I think you would benefit from some counselling, with or without your dh. Hope your day gets a bit better.

[lucyellensmum]

TELL HIM!!! Tell him how you feel, tell him how desperately unhappy he is making you - you know, you might not want to hear what he has to say, but you can't carry on like this.