to be so upset...... please help..... am i overreacting(49 Posts)
Sorry for the long post but...... here goes..
My 6yr old ds came back from a visit to his friends house ( boy the same age who i shall call B) earlier tonight. They have been friends since pre school and both boys spend a reasonable amount of time at each others house.
B's mum is a bit of a crank to be honest and dh (who works overseas) has never really been happy about ds going th B's house. I always find B's mum a complete walter Mitty character but harmless enough.
My ds came back tonight and asked if he could talk to me about the conversation we had had some time ago about "not letting anyone touch his willy". To cut the story short ds and B were playing in the garden when ds said he wanted a wee. B told him to do it in the garden (they have a lot of land and toilet far away). After ds had a wee B asked him if he ever stroked and pulled at his willy to make it feel nice. Ds said no. B then said "well, let me do it to your willy for you and it will feel nice". Ds said "no, my mum says not to let anyone touch my willy". B said " don't tell her".
Ds said no again and that was that.
I feel sick.... I can't tell B's mum cos she will go off her head, deny it and announce it all around the village. (honest, she's like that).
Am i right that this is not acceptable behaviour or am i over reacting???
Dh will go spare.
I feel i should end the friendship, but what about school? They are in the same class?
How do i go about all this?
Please respond with advise?
Even if you think i'm wrong, then please respond.
Thanks in advance... i won't sleep tonight.
how old are they?
Kids DO do this stuff - they do, in all harmlessness. B knew it "felt good" and wanted to share that feeling - make his friend "feel good" ... it's not sexual - purely a physiological reaction to touching genetalia. He wasn't trying to have sex - he was sharing his realisation.
I wouldn't stop the friendship; just praise your DS for saying no, for telling you straight away and remind him of the importance of no secrets and personal boundaries.
I don't have a 6 year old boy and have no idea of how their minds work/their level of understanding but to me it sounds completely innocent and normal.
Exactly what is worrying you? Is it that B touchess his willy (all boys/men do this, it's normal)? Is it that he discussed it with your son (at 6 years old he presumably doesn't know that it's a private subject)? Is it that B's mum is a nutter so you've made really quite wild assumptions about the whole situation?
If I was in your shoes (bearing in mind I don't have a 6 year old DS so this is pure speculation) I think I'd say "That's right DS, only you are allowed to touch your willy, well done, sweet dreams, goodnight". End of story.
it's normal boy behaviour.
my 3 yr old already likes touching himself, all boys do,. it's normal.
the other boys mum would do well to have a word with him about how it's a private thing etc etc
but I seriously doubt that anything sinister is going on when he offered to show your ds how to do it!
You are absolutely right this is not acceptable behaviour, but I cannot think of how best for you to go forward with this.
As a starter do not let you DS go to this house again.
God I really don't know. Just wanted you to know someone had read your message. My Dc are not at this age yet - but am wondering, is this a normal phase for boys. I mean I am not sure all boys do it - but is what B suggested not that unsual (within range of normal sexual experimentation??) rather than a sign of sexual deviancy?? Maybe you could have a quiet word in his ear?
The only other thing I can add is you have done such a good job with your DS that he trusts you so much to tell you. A lot of children would know it involves somehing embarrassing and bottled it up and worried about it.
Sure other MNers will know more about this.
Agree completely with lewisfan can't word it better myself.
"a sign of sexual deviancy"
Am I missing something here? They're 6 FGS!
I really don't think this sounds sinister.
Yes, yes we know little boys talk about this.
It was the MOTHER who wanted to touch the OP's Ds willy!
She sounds like a perv. Keep well clear from her.
I think I can remember doing things like this at that age. Without a willy, obviously. My boys are younger and are continually fascinated. We have a blanket "no playing with other people's willies" rule which they frequently want to break.
I think you can be satisfied your DS did the right thing. He said no, it was respected and then he told you.
Jaysus Missboot if it was the mother you would be on the phone to the police within seconds!! It is late though
no it wasn't, it was the other little boy
I agree with Lewis and IAteRosemary, it's entirely normal. Do you remember talk of children playing doctors and nurses..?
Can see why boy B's offer to show ds what to do might have worried you, but the boy backed off when ds said no, didn't he?
I appreciate that you are upset and worried by this, but please bear in mind that small boys are capable of discovering for themselves that playing with their willies is pleasureable ie that it is not necessarily a sign of anything sinister going on in B's life. Given that he seems to have dropped the subject when your DS said no, unless you have other concerns about their friendship or B's behaviour then it's best to let it go. Because if it is normal curiousity and experimentation, the damage that would be done by wading in hunting for abuse and abusers, intrusive questioning of the child etc could do horrible damage.
Ok. read that wrong, but yes kids do that, just be glad you don't have girls who have boys as best friends.
Gets even more complicated.
(note to self, keep off the wine!)
Hes only 6!!
He probably thought 'hey this feels good ill tell my mate' 'oh he doesnt know it feels good ...ill show him'
like he would show him how to jump over the stream etc...
I don't think at 6 he thought 'ill assult him'
I used to do things like this with my female friend, from about this age up until about 10!
We got caught though and had to stop.
It wasn't 'abuse' on either of our parts, just curiosity.
Your DS handled it well though.
i think this is normal behaviour for 6 y o to discuss physical and mental feeling with each other about body parts. same idea as saying "if i bite myself it hurts"
from what you said they were only discussing how it feel. i.e "nice" not anything else, as they dont understand anything else.
praise him for saying no. and telling his friends you said no.
hopefully B will tell his mum about the discussion and she will tell him it's wrong to touch other boys willies.
if you are really upset about it, could you not bring it into a joking type of conversation. make light of it. and ask her how to deal with situation as you would be embarassed if anyone from village came across the boys touching willies.not accusing her of being a bad parent. ask her opinion on how to deal with it if it happens again.
It's not the mother,... it's the boy!
Totally normal going on my 2, carry on with the private, no secrets, line and forget it!
Not the mother. Re-read, Ripeberry.
IateRosemary I wasn't saying it was sexual deviancy - that was my point. But the OP obviously is extremely uncomfortable with it.
I did think the boys were older when I first read I must admit. But even so sounds like normal childhood behaviour.
Ripeberry - no it wasn't the mother who wanted to touch him, it was B, the 6 year old friend.
I think it is normal exploratory behaviour that your son handled very well (no pun intended). I wouldn't stop him going round to play there, I would just reiterate to him that he keeps his willy private.
Lewisfan: they are both 6.
Rosemaryconley (boss name!) I think you could be right about the issue maybe being with mum. My dh has always had issues around her, and that's not helping.
I too am so very pleased that a number of you have pointed out how good it is that ds told me and said no. I never really thought about that.
I know that i have to tell dh (as i mentioned he's overseas). Im not doing it tonight until i've gained all your thoughts on it. He will stop ds going for sure now. He gives me all the freedom of making decisions re the dcs as he is away, but i know he will put his foot firmly down about this.
honestly barnsleybelle it really isn't a big issue.
you could talk to the other mum and tell her what happened. let her know you've had a chat with ds about keeping willies private and that perhaps she should do same>?
are you looking for an excuse to end the friendship??
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