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to expect my parents to back off a bit?

(9 Posts)
upsydizzy Thu 31-Jul-08 18:15:54

Ok, I haven'tt been on here for a few months. Was taking time to sort my head out. The citalopram made me worse, an my HV told me that as I knew the root of my depression, counselling may be a better course of action.

That still hasn't been sorted, but on advice of another heaklth proffessional, I told my parent's what was going on with the depression.To start with, my mother insisted I wasn't depressed (despite the fact she lives 2000 miles away, we speak once a week, and she doesn't see me in tears on a frequent basis), which then turned to her telling me I obviously wasn't coping. Since then, her criticisms of my parenting have increased tenfold. I don't leave my son to CIO, which she says I should do. This is despite the fact I don't feel comfortable with it. I've been nagged to wean him onto a bottle from the breast, despite the fact he's thriving (just below the 91st centile in both height and weight) and every time I tell her something, eg, he doesn't need a bottle, he can use a beaker now he's 6 months old, she gives me the whole "of course, I forgot new mums know it all" attitude.

Did anyone else have similar problems with their parents?

WinkyWinkola Thu 31-Jul-08 18:20:25

Oh dear. Do you think they are being wholly unsupportive or just being clumsy and a bit cr*p and don't know how to help you? Either way, it's not great for you, your positivity and strength, is it?

Perhaps you shouldn't have too much contact with them. Send them regular emails/texts rather than call? That could put a bit of a softener on any blunt comments your mum makes?

Well done on the breast feeding front.

As for the "I forgot, new mums know it all" comment, that's really not very kind. Of course new mums don't know it all but they are the ones who know their babies best and it is their time to experiment and find out what works best for them. It might not be the same as how your mother might do things but then your DS isn't her son, is he?

Bear up. Stay positive and try to keep away from negative energy.

upsydizzy Thu 31-Jul-08 18:26:09

Unfortunately, it's usually her that phones me. I think it might be clumsiness on my dad's part. He takes everything my mum says as gospel. I was adopted, so the earliest experience my dad has had with his own children has been from 3 ears old. My sister copied my mums parenting styles down to a T. I may agree on some thin gs my mum did as a parent, but I can't agree with others. I spent a week with my parents in July, with my FIL, MIL, and DP. And it reached the point where my DP was not talking to my mother through fear of getting into an argument with her over how she was treating me.

mum2jakeyroo Thu 31-Jul-08 18:36:06

My mum has been the same ever since I left home. Since I had my dc she won't face the fact that I suffer with depression despite my dp telling her. I must admit I used to get the 'new mums know it all' comment but tbh used to ignore and made a bigger effort to do more things that she would not approve of. lol. As for her ringing you. Screen your calls and only answer when it suits.

Ally90 Thu 31-Jul-08 20:11:12

Is your mother the root of your depression?

Unfortunately when you express a weakness it gives the sharks in this world (yep your mum) the 'right' to interfere and tell you how you 'should do things'.

Perhaps less phone calls to your mum, and lean on some supportive friends? And therapy would be a good idea too She may be your mum, but she has no right to undermine your parenting skills.

glitterchick Thu 31-Jul-08 20:42:30

There was no such thing as 'depression' in their day. They don't understand. My mother told me I needed to go to parenting classes when I was pregnant on DC3. Was completely p'd off, upset, etc. I didn't speak to her for ages. She still hasnt apologised.

pamelat Thu 31-Jul-08 20:45:06

I have found that my mum (and MIL) really intefere/critise me.
I have actually asked my mum to back off a little and she has. I have a good relationship with her and before my daughter came along, we hadnt crossed a bad word since my teenage days.
My mum likes to tell me that my daugher is too cold (despite the fact that being too warm is dangerous!), that "you were always in pretty little dresses, cardigans and tights" and most recently, "oh doesnt mummy make a mess when she s feeding you".
I am assured its normal and am (again!) trying to be ok with it all.
Obviously, your situation is a bit different and am sorry for that. Take care x

Kaedsmum Fri 01-Aug-08 19:49:54

I feel so sad for you. Maybe you need to not answer the phone for a while or when she tries to tell you something say 'I'd rather not discuss parenting, thank you.'

I get REALLy irritated when mums and older people go on about how everything was fine in their day and it's all wrong now... in fact, I'm off to start a thread...

noonki Fri 01-Aug-08 20:07:11

I am sorry you have been feeling so rubbish, I got really down after one of mine (not severly) and so emphasis a bit.

I think parents (mums/MIL in particular) are trying to help - my mum made some very similar comments with my first, so much so I told her never to give me any advice again -

though of course she did and to be fair I have also asked.

My DSs are always wrongly dressed according to my mum they are either freezing to death or she is ripping all their clothes off incase they boil !

I think when you are a new mum and trying to find your feet it is an incredibly sensitive time. I felt out of my depth and probably was much more sensitive to any criticism/piece of advice. If you are feeling depressed this can then be amplified as I moost certainly was questioning my own abitlities as it was.

Was your relationship good with your mum before kids? If so how about gently writing her a letter to let her know how you are feeling - it may help her to see that her 'helpful'[hmmm] comments are upsetting you.

well done for getting help on the depression it is such a hard step (((_))))

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