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To feel sorry for myself because DP gave me a (small) bar of Dairy Milk for my birthday this morning?

(21 Posts)
worriermum Thu 31-Jul-08 11:39:26

Birthdays have always been important to me. I'm in a strange country with close friends and family far away, so DP's contribution to a sense of birthday is particularly important. He is a generous man but is fighting for his financial life in his own business. He is just too busy and cash-strapped to buy me a gift. The worst part for me is that he is also too busy to take DS (4.5) out to get me a gift, although DS has been planning what to get me ("a necklace" - how sweet is that). I honestly don't think I am a materialistic person but this just feels awful: my birthday DOES matter, and although I know he is taking strain I don't want to pretend otherwise. It's not the lack of a gift so much as the lack of care.

littlelapin Thu 31-Jul-08 11:42:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryAnnSingleton Thu 31-Jul-08 11:45:10

sad,but as lapin says maybe there's something later ? happy birthday anyway xxxx

HumphreyPillow Thu 31-Jul-08 11:45:36

But it sounds like he does care.
He is short of money and time, but he does care.

I can understand why you're upset though - the present was a bit pants. A small bunch of flowers would have been better.

Happy birthday. smile

ImnotOK Thu 31-Jul-08 11:45:56

Happy birthday ,last year when we strapped for cash I got a bag of haribo sweets hmm.
This year I got a better present though sometimes when we are older sometimes we have to have a crappy birthday now and again It's not nice though and I hope you cheer up.

mankymummy Thu 31-Jul-08 11:46:36

ask for a long massage later...!

oopsadaisyangel Thu 31-Jul-08 11:47:37

Happy Birthday!

My birthday was last week while we were away camping - DH (and DS) bought me a cup of tea and a scone for my birthday hmm which I a bit put out by as not even a card!!

They did however redeem themselves when they organised a lovely BBQ with all our friends at our house on the Saturday when we arrived back. There was birthday cake and everything (although still nothing more from DH & DS - we are pretty skint at the moment with our wedding in four weeks!) grin Was happy with the BBQ though!

nametaken Thu 31-Jul-08 11:49:46

Happy birthday worriermum.

I completely understand how you feel. My dh used to be like this but frankly I had to kick up a huge fuss in order to put him straight.

You must insist on a nice present or bunch of flowers on your birthday, a small gift from any kids that can't go out and buy their own and dinner bought or cooked for you. Plus cards, home made or other. If you haven't got much money, all of these things can be done quite cheaply.

I do not accept that any husband is too busy to organise this for his partners b/day. You get a birthday every year and this comes with 364 days notice!!!!!!! No one is busy every day for a year, sorry.

You need to start getting assertive, point out that everyone else gets a fuss made of them on their birthday and insist on being made to feel special for one day

Electricgooberella Thu 31-Jul-08 11:54:36

Happy birthday WM.
Did you post under another name last night? If I'm right email me to let me know.

worriermum Thu 31-Jul-08 12:35:23

Oh thank you dear, kind, MN'ers. The sympathy really does cheer me up. And I love my necklace Lapin, thank you. See, doesn't take much to keep a girl happy...why don't they learn.

I have childcare this afternoon so I am going to buy myself a nice magazine ( a luxury in this land of inflated prices), a coffee, a new journal notebook and to read and write up a storm. I know me-time is a luxury but I can't help a slight heartsink as I type all that - just feels a bit lonely. I want MATES and my sister. Sorry if I sound spoiled and self-pitying. "Better birthdays will come, better will come...". Off to keep the upper lip stiff. And thanks again, MN.

MaryAnnSingleton Thu 31-Jul-08 13:06:18

chin up worrier smile - spoil yourself too ...where are you, out of interest ?

honeybehappy Thu 31-Jul-08 13:33:43

"He is a generous man but is fighting for his financial life in his own business"

YABU, i'm sorry but if he hasn't got any money then how is going to buy you something.

Imagine how he must be feeling.
I would rather just have a card.

MaryAnnSingleton Fri 01-Aug-08 10:39:49

hope things a bit cheerier today smile

Lonnie Fri 01-Aug-08 10:49:23

Happy Birthday for yesterday

no I dont think you are being unresonable last year my husband forgot my birthday completely (and like you I do not have family in the UK) I spent the morning dropping hint after hint with nothing happening and as I exicted the house to take dd 2 3 and ds to school and preschool I told him.. Later when you have a MOMENT I suggest you look at the calender and I SLAMMED the door I was in tears I was SO hurt and upset..

We had agreed to not give presents as we were broke and he is crap at cards always has been. However I expected a happy birthday and I expected a cup of tea AND I expected him to get the children to make a fuss with birthday kisses etc.. (like I had done for his birthday 6 weeks previously) but he forgot completely and I was so hurt..

As you say "my birthday does matter" I got through it and this year he didnt forget (still no present but I got a card a cup or tea and a hug)

I think the only thing we can do is to tell them this upsets me and makes me feel horrid as only way for them to know better is to get it changed..


worriermum Fri 01-Aug-08 15:30:35

Thank you again for the messages and support. Today does feel cheerier: I did some gentle but pointed jibing last night, and insisted he come out and star gaze with me for a birthday treat (we have simultaneous power cuts and fabulous night skies here). And then this morning he promised he WOULD take ds shopping on Saturday morning. But at least resentments were voiced and laughed about, and hopefully next year will be better.

jelliebelly Fri 01-Aug-08 15:48:57

Hi worriermum - imo you did the right thing in discussing this. Money might be tight but that is no reason not to make a fuss, breakfast in bed etc etc. Being too busy is just an excuse I'm afraid - it doesn't take that long to buy a nice card or think of something special to do for you - it doesn't have to cost £££. I hope you have made him realise how unthoughtful he's been.

MrsThierryHenry Fri 01-Aug-08 15:51:55

Worrier - really sorry to hear about your pants birthday present, but well done for discussing/ jibing with your DH. A belated happy birthday and I hope things become less stressful for you both and that his business reaches those stars you were gazing at (cheesy grin).

mamalovesmojitos Fri 01-Aug-08 16:29:13

awww mrshenry! you're a true romantic wink


i'm glad you feel better wm. birthdays are very important in my family, not so much in other families i know. it would upset me deeply not to be a bit spoiled on my birthday. as others have mentioned it doesn't cost much to organise a cheap necklace or a homemade card or a crappy bun with a candle shoved in it.

now that your dh knows hopefully it will change for your next birthday.

worriermum Fri 01-Aug-08 16:42:24

Oh I love MN. It just helps to know that somehow, somewhere, my birthday has been recognised. Daft, isn't it? I blame my mum for hyping up birthdays for all those years. Thanks again for the support, and I love the cheese MrsHenry

MrsThierryHenry Fri 01-Aug-08 17:09:42


lucyellensmum Fri 01-Aug-08 17:55:35

YANBU but it does sound like your DP is under a lot of financial pressure. We haven't gotten each other ANYTHING for our birthdays or xmas for the past three years and it does put a spoiler on things. I think for the person who's birthday it is, and the person who is unable to buy a gift. BUT it wont be for ever - like yours my DP is a very generous man, but has no money just now. The last present he bought me was a white gold 0.5ct diamond ring which i love. Now we dont buy anything as we have no money and even though each year/xmas we know there will be nothing to open it does still disappoint and i still spend half of the day thinking, oh he will spring my surprise soon. But its only gifts and right now i would rather we save our money than spend a little on a token present that we wont really like anyway.

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