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in beign fed up with the "I'm more tired that you" conversation?

(18 Posts)
Dannat Wed 30-Jul-08 14:00:35

I don't think I am but it is really pissing me off atm.

DS is 7 weeks old and is still waking 2/3 times in the night. At first DH was brilliant and would get up and help out, but now he has returned to work, he actually does very little with the DCs.

Yesterday for example, DH went to work at 6:40am. He got in about 12 hours later. I understand and appreciate that he works long hours and is tired, but at the same time, I get up anytime from 4am onwards and have to stay awake all day. Sleeping when DS does isn't really possible because DD is here too. DH comes in from work and slumps in front of the TV for a while. Perfecly reasonable after a long day at work. However, he came home right in the middle of bath time last night and sat and watched as I struggled to bath both the kids. DD has taken to playing up just before bedtime and was in her usual good humour hmm. DS was screaming for a bottle.

DH continues to sit, watching me juggle all of these jobs. Eventually, DD is in bed, and DS has been fed again. DS is on the verge of sleep so I attempt a five minute sit down, bearing in mind I have been running around like a loon all day: shopping, housework, kids etc. DS wakes up, DH announces he is going for a bath. An hour later, DH emerges from the bathroom, sits in front of the telly again and then announces he is off to bed. By this time I am ironing having washed up, dried and put away, and had a uic tidy round the living room.

I'm just fed up with the "I'm more tired than you" routine every day when I try to broach the subject with DH. I put DS down last night, he woke up 2 hours later. DH gets up and starts swearing under his breath and telling DS to go to sleep hmm. I then spent half the night up and down to DS trying to make sure DH didn't wake up because he is then in a foul mood.

Anyway, the upshot of this was that DH had slept for almost the whole night, disturbed only once and complaining about it. I then worried and was awake most of the night, catching 3 hours sleep max. DH got up and went to work, will come home and the pattern will repeat itself all over again. Meanwhile I am left to sort anything child related/house related out. In the end I had to sarcastically point out to DH that I hope he enjoyed his undisturbed hour long bath. I would kill for a ten minute undisturbed bath but no such luck...

I'm tired, I'm fed up and I don't see why it should always be me to sort it when it comes to the DCs.

ihatebikerides Wed 30-Jul-08 14:14:39

YA definitely NBU. But, to get the outcome you want (for him to help out a bit more) then you'll need to wait until you're not so cross with him to start negotiating terms. Yes, he works all day, but you're not exactly relaxing at home having massages all day, are you? And you seem to be on call 24/7. Start by saying this evening that you'd like a nice long bath and can he take over for a bit. Take your time. Then see how things pan out after that..... Something's going to have to give, beore it's your sanity.
Good luck.
BTW, what was he like around the house before the DCs?

barnsleybelle Wed 30-Jul-08 14:16:00

My heart goes out to you. What a lazy bugger! Sometimes (in dh defence) i don't think they understand the amount of work that goes into running a house as well as hands on dc care.

My dh works overseas for very long periods and has a very busy high pressured job. I know he works hard and him being away has enabled me to leave work, but i get so cross when he calls and he's moaning about how tired he is!!!

When he is at home he is fantasctic at the hands on kids stuff but thinks that's it! He puts the kids to bed and then feet up1 That's when my grafting really starts like you!

It's very very hard. Maybe you could down tools one evening when he comes home and bugger off out! If your like me though, i threaten this but the mess and tears i come back to make it not worth it.

Think you need a good chat together.

RubySlippers Wed 30-Jul-08 14:21:05

instead of letting him watch you, ask him to feed the baby

he may respond better to tasks - if you have never asked him or discussed this with him then it won't have occured to him to do it

you are both working hard, doing different jobs so you need a sensible discussion

has your DH forgotten that sleepless nights are part and parcel of a newborn?

RubySlippers Wed 30-Jul-08 14:23:47

can you sling your newborn and bath your DD rather than trying to do both of them

also, and if i am speaking out of turn, then i am sorry, but i think 6.40 pm is too late for a bath

try bringing it forward to 6.15 and aiming for 6.45 pm bedtime - may help the crankiness factor reduce?

barnsleybelle Wed 30-Jul-08 14:23:56

Rubyslippers.. you are so right about the task thing. My dh just doesn't see things that need doing. In the past i used to get wound up and bang about whilst doing jobs. If i do him a list he's happy to get on with it.

pippylongstockings Wed 30-Jul-08 14:23:59

YANBU - I was feeling sorry for myself today as I work part-time but still seem to do the 'lions' share of housework/childcare/sleep deprevation/bill paying etc - but you have my sympathies and hugs (if you want them!) It is really flipping hard when they are so small and he needs to pitch in more or you will go bonkers.

How old is DD ? Can she just have some quiet TV watching time to enable you to close your eyes in the day ?

Is there a time where you can sit down and try and work out some sort of rota ?
Taking it in turns to do bath-time each night while the other gets a glass of wine in front of TV for 1/2 hour is the rule in our house.

How much did he help out when you just had 1 child ?

There is no getting away from it alot of the time they do just want mum but then your partner needs to step up in other areas - doing dishes/unloading washing/pushing hoover.

Good luck.

beeny Wed 30-Jul-08 14:27:10

You already have good advice just wanted to say poor you

sitdownpleasegeorge Wed 30-Jul-08 14:28:49

If your dh works mon-fri try and negotiate say fri or sat night when you sleep in the spare room and dp/dh does the night duty.

He will still have a good nights sleep before returning to work on the monday.

VinegarTits Wed 30-Jul-08 14:31:58

I would tell him 'ok, fair enough, you think your more tired than me, but i have to do this job at weekends too, so this weekend you can take over while i have a rest as you wont be so tired, having not gone to work for 2 days'

misspollysdolly Wed 30-Jul-08 14:32:58

YANBU really. I am having some similar issues with DH although he does relatively quite a lot ot contribute round the house, but I do get REALLY mad with him as he and I seem to think on totally different wavelengths. I make lots of assumptions that he JUST KNOWS what needs doing and when and am usually very impatient about things happening too. So I know I make a rod for my own back by not communicating with him. Don't ever want to nag thought, but by talking about it we have worked out that I need to be clearer with him about what needs doing and when. It IS v irritating though, all the same.

bonnibaby Wed 30-Jul-08 14:40:42

YANBU ,he sounds very selfish and you must be shattered .
I do agree though that asking him to do certain things might work,it does with my DP.
We have had the im more knackered than you argument before too.
For example on an evening i usually say "the kitchen needs tidying and the lounge needs hoovering, do you mind doing that while i bath the kids or would you rather bath the kids and ill come up when im done?
He will pull a face but wont really grumble too much cos its not like im sat on my bum while he is doing it all.

bonnibaby Wed 30-Jul-08 14:40:46

YANBU ,he sounds very selfish and you must be shattered .
I do agree though that asking him to do certain things might work,it does with my DP.
We have had the im more knackered than you argument before too.
For example on an evening i usually say "the kitchen needs tidying and the lounge needs hoovering, do you mind doing that while i bath the kids or would you rather bath the kids and ill come up when im done?
He will pull a face but wont really grumble too much cos its not like im sat on my bum while he is doing it all.

Holly29 Wed 30-Jul-08 14:50:27

I agree with everyone, YANBU.

I had quite similar issues for a bit (except I only have one DC) and I dealt with it - not exactly meaning to - by having a completely breakdown one night when DS wouldn't stop crying and I rang DH at work and said I can't do it anymore. I couldn't stop crying and by the time he came home both DS and I were crying and I think he realised that I had reached the end of my tether and that life wouldn't be so easy if I wasn't able to cope! From then on, he helped and has now been really good.

What happened with me was a bit drastic but I do think he needs to realise that sleep deprivation is not a competition. I do think you need to say that if you don't get some rest/help you will not be able to do the job anymore. Best of luck.

RubySlippers Wed 30-Jul-08 14:50:54

DH said to me

"i am rubbish at seeing what needs to be done, so tell me and i will do it"

so, i tell him, he does it

now, it is irritating that i have to tell him stuff or leave a list, but on blanace it much less irritating than me inwardly cursing him for NOT doing stuff

Dannat - speak to your DH - there is a way to sort this out

laura325630 Wed 30-Jul-08 15:08:05

I was going to start the very same thread today!

Dp has a job but is only training at the mo. He goes in at 8.40am and finishes at around 3pm at the mo as he has nothing to do! Dd wakes once or twice a night and wouldnt go down until 2am this morning! I asked him to do the 4am feed as I was v.tired and he moaned!! When he gets home he sits on the internet for ages and when dd stirs he suddenly has something he has to do so he doesnt have to go to her.

Also, if I go and have a nap when he is home he will wake me when he has had enough. I am still tired and more grumpy then before!

Friday and Saturday nights we have agreed that he does what I do in the week but he cant cope! He thinks I sit on my ass all!

Rant over! My heart goes out to all who are in the same situation xx

ihatebikerides Wed 30-Jul-08 15:17:54

And, let's face it, all my WOHM friends report that they go to work for the rest! So, chances are, that a lot of these shirking Dads, whilst claiming to have had a hard day, are actually spending much of their time chatting by the photo-copier, checking their FantasyFootball leagues on-line, and having long boozy lunches with their mates. Tired, my a*! wink

Dilberta Wed 30-Jul-08 15:21:07

cut some stuff out. Kids don't need bathing every day.

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