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To be upset with my Nan and Dad? (Loooonggg rant like behaviour)

(15 Posts)
bluenosebear Mon 28-Jul-08 20:46:18

My Nan has always preferred my cousins to me. No, this isn't going to be a whiney "I'm not loved" thread before you close the window! It's a well known fact within the family, she doesn't bother to hide the fact that she doesn't like me because I'm not a girly girl in ribbons and dresses. I never have been! I'm a total tomboy, with my own thoughts. My cousins, however, are pretty, girly, and agree with everything that's said. I'm not sure they have their own thoughts....my Nan adores them.

ANYWAY! Nan's never really spoken to me, even at family gatherings she's with my Aunt and cousins. It's fine, I don't mind. She doesn't like me, I'm not a fan of hers! The day I became pregnant, she was all over me. Inviting me out for dinner, spending time with me, and I wondered if things might be on the change! I had my DD, her only great grandchild, and she was over the moon, it was lovely. Suddenly, she wants to visit me (gasp). The other day she came over for half an hour, and said *not one word* to me the whole time. I mean not one. She only wanted to see my DD. Even when I spoke to her, she ignored me and carried on playing with DD. This annoyed me slightly, but OK whatever. It's family so you put up with it.

I found out that she did the same thing while my Mum was pregnant with me. Very into me until my Aunt had babies, then my Mum went back into obscurity. Now I'm feeling cross that she's going to treat her first great granddaughter like that because my cousins are trying for babies which is nice, but the second one of them is pregnant she will ignore DD. She's already back to ignoring me, apparantly. All she talks about is how she wants my cousins to be pregnant.

Dad phoned me up a couple of days ago. Told me Nan is always on about visiting. I told him that she doesn't want to come alone, even though she has an open invite. Dad said maybe he could bring her over. Well, at the time suggested I had to go out. Unfortunately this has been seen as me trying to be awkward, as she's SO DESPERATE to see DD. I said of course she could come round any time, but doesn't. Dad said no I know she doesn't and I said it was because she would then have to talk to me and she really doesn't like me enough for that. At which point Dad said "Well, it's obvious you have a problem with her." I said no, she has a problem with me. She doesn't like me and ignores me. If that's the case I'd rather she didn't come round alone. Dad got really upset and snapped at me that they will see me at the christening Sunday and all but hung up on me.

I'm not stopping her coming, I've never voiced how I feel, I just smile and am polite. I'd never dream of trying to cause trouble or stop her coming round. Ever. The funny thing is my Dad and Stepmum see my DD about 3 times a week, and I ALWAYS mention that they could have bought Nan, I want DD to have a relationship with her but they always tell me they didn't want to because she hogs my DD. She does this to whoever is around including me, to the point where she hits me (hard if needed) to make me let go of DD.

So, Nan won't see DD on her own, and Dad won't bring her. I've tried to talk to Dad, but of course it's his darling mother so I am in the wrong. I couldn't not go out on that day, and couldn't guarantee the time I'd be back and no, they couldn't have looked after her. Now Dad's not speaking to me. I've tried to explain about Nan hitting me and ignoring me, but he doesn't like to hear it so just assumes I'm in the wrong. Am I?? I've never stopped anyone seeing DD, or been anything less than accommodating. Even when I haven't been up for visitors after my cesarean and certain people just turned up on my doorstep I never turned anyone away, even if I hadn't slept, or wasn't feeling sociable I've always done the dutiful daughter thing.

Thoughts please? How can I handle this best? I'm so hurt and Dad's never stopped speaking to me over anything. He hasn't called me for anything which in itself is a huge sign he's not happy. I could call him but wouldn't know what to say.

If you're still with me, Bless you!

HonoriaGlossop Mon 28-Jul-08 20:54:25

i think the key is where you said "i've never voiced how I feel"

She has been able to carry on with her bizarre behaviour because no one has ever faced her with it or tackled her about it. i know it's hard but I think you need to TELL her when she's doing it that she is being incredibly rude.

She really does sound odd. YANBU! If your dad can't see that she has treated you awfully for most of your life then he is being very odd too!

bluenosebear Mon 28-Jul-08 21:34:44

TY for replying Hon. Nan is tactless but everyone just overlooks it instead of saying something. People in my family choose to remain silent and not rock the boat. I'm considered very much the black sheep of the family, even being called "weird" because I like star wars. Not to the point of being obsessive but I enjoy it, and don't like Eastenders so they call me odd. Now I've had enough and am standing up for myself and it's not going down too well.

TheProvincialLady Mon 28-Jul-08 21:42:52

You can't change any of those people, only your reactions to them. If anyone else in your life came to your house and then refused to speak to you, would you still let them come? And if someone defended their actions and tried to put you in the wrong, would you agree with them? Obviously not, and just because they are related to you doesn't mean you have to roll over and let them do it. You are right to stand up to this behaviour - not just for your sake but your DD too. Do you want her to be in the position of not being the favoured grandchild and having to go through what you do? Your nan sounds a bitch TBH and you could probably both lead happier lives without her.

mrswoolf Mon 28-Jul-08 21:57:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kimi Mon 28-Jul-08 22:01:38

Is your nan going a bit odd in the head?
Not speanking to you, hitting you to get your child?
I can tell you if someone hit me to get my child I would not let them near my children EVER it is madness.

I think the time has come for you to voice you oppionions and if your dad and nan are not happy with what you say tough.
How do you think your child will feel when great granny shuts her out of het life for her cousins?

What does your DP say?

bluenosebear Mon 28-Jul-08 22:49:15

Wow I'm so glad people agree. I thought I was going mad and was at fault here.

edam Mon 28-Jul-08 22:57:38

Your nan is bizarre and your father is so used to her he's stopped noticing quite how strange she is. You do NOT have to put up with this shit. You are a grown woman, you are dd's mother and no-one gets to walk all over you.

Does that help?

bluenosebear Tue 29-Jul-08 12:13:09

Thanks all. Nan decided to turn up today for some reason, no phone call to say she'd be coming tho she says she did call my mobile but I didn't get anything on that. Think Dad told her I was feeling ignored, and she did try to talk to me, but halfway through anything I said, attention went back to baby. She did try to feed her, but kept taking the bottle away (??) and Dd eventually got really tired, whingey and lost interest. She didn't stay long, and actually said she only came to see the baby.

Gaaah and Dad still isn't talking to me.

TheArmadillo Tue 29-Jul-08 12:22:29

"It's family so you put up with it."

you don't have to put up with your nan hitting you, ignoring you or anyone else for that matter. If someone else had come to you and said a family member had hit them, used them ignored them would you say 'well you have to put up with it cos they're family?'

Imagine if this was your dd and your mother. Would you stop speaking to her over this or would you stand up for her?

I'd guess your father is terrified of your nan and controlled by her. As is the rest of your family. That is horrible for them, but why should you and your dd start paying the price for it.

I would also guess your father is scared and confused because you have stood up to his mother and done the things he is scared of and this is forcing him to confront his feelings towards her and his behaviour and he doesn't like it. So he turns away from you so he can pretend everything is ok.

What to do? I would phone him and say you are sorry he is feeling like this but that you can not allow her to treat you like a second-rate human being. And that you are sad that he has chosen this course of action, but that is his choice to do so.

What is your relationship with your dad like?

bluenosebear Tue 29-Jul-08 12:28:29

Armadillo, I have a lovely relationship with Dad, but if you try to tell him something he doesn't like, he switches subject. I tried to tell him about my years on anti depressants and in therapy, and he glossed over it and changed the conversation. I think he knows about it, but it upsets him so wont talk.

TheArmadillo Tue 29-Jul-08 12:29:57

but why should you be bullied because he won't get help with his problems with his mother.

Stand your ground on this.

bluenosebear Tue 29-Jul-08 12:33:09

Standing my ground is exactly what I'm trying to do, I just didn't realise people would think I wasn't allowed to LOL!

rolledhedgehog Tue 29-Jul-08 14:04:42

You have done exactly the right thing in speaking up. Good for you. DH has similar in his family. His Nan has always been a controlling bully to her DDs and her grandchildren. No one has stood up to her so she is now a 90 year old tyrant, still bullying her DDs who are in their 60's.

She has been known to call DH or his brothers and rant at them about their parenting skills. She tried to tell us that we should not call our DS2 the name we had chosen as she did not like it etc etc.

No one tells her to sod off because she is old but she has always been like that!

DaphneMoon Tue 29-Jul-08 14:18:21

I cannot believe you let her get away with hitting you! shock. How long will it be before she hits your DC. She sounds very odd, I would say it was senile dementia but as she appears to have been like that since you were young, I think she has a huge problem. When she ignores you why don't you ask her there and then, when she hits you walk away (with the child) and don't give in. Give her a good whack back and say how do you like it Nan? Do the rest of your family get hit by her? It is a about time you all gave her a taste of her own medicine. God I'm glad she's not my Nan, I'm not into hitting anyone, but I think I would have beaten her to a pulp by now.

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