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Dh wants to know: AIBU or is he? It's about doing the weekly shopping, opinions please!

(140 Posts)
WideWebWitch Mon 28-Jul-08 20:22:01

Dh and I both work ft oth. We have 2 children. DH drops them both at childcare every morning and collects them both at night.

I commute 4.5 hours each day
We have a cleaner twice a week
We're still both knackered a lot of the time

For ages I have done the weekly online shop. A while ago I asked dh to start doing it 50% of the time. He said "fine, but you'll have to accept that I will do it differently to you. I will actually GO to Tesco instead of shopping online". I said hmm, ok.

We tried it briefly but I got irritated at his going out on a Saturday and taking an hour or more to do the shopping. He would usually (but not always) take dd but not ds.

I think he should do the shopping to my satisfaction, which would involve logging onto Ocado and shopping from favourites. It would mean less time wasted doing a boring chore when he could be here with me and the children.

I don't WANT to have to be the only one who thinks about whether we need olive oil or tuna but I AM atm because I do the shopping. I think this is unfair.

I also think one of hs arguments, which is about "the food we get sent online isn't as good as that I'd chose myself" is spurious since it seems to be good enough if I DO IT and there's Ocado food in the fridge. hmm

So, AIBU? TIA. All opinions welcome.

Marina Mon 28-Jul-08 20:24:00

Why won't he do it online www? Especially when you have made it all pitifully easy for him to do?

Darlingcocolepew Mon 28-Jul-08 20:24:33

YABabitU you only want him to help if he does it your way? Maybe he likes to do it this way, you did ask for him to do it and he is. Just not the way you like.

bergentulip Mon 28-Jul-08 20:24:39

YABU.

I would not shop online, prefer to go in to the shop myself. It may save time the other way, but call me old-fashioned. Perhaps your DH thinks the same way?

And if he takes one of the children, then that has to be a good thing!

WideWebWitch Mon 28-Jul-08 20:24:42

Because "the quality isn't the same" - except it is miraculously OK if I do it

Marina Mon 28-Jul-08 20:25:51

WWW's dh is frightened of that mean old shopping website! WWW's dh is foxed by Ocado!

DiscoDizzy Mon 28-Jul-08 20:26:04

Hmm, I think its quite hard. I think but not 100% sure that i'd let him get on with his Saturday shop with whichever child and let him get on with it. At least he's doing it, and if he's getting sufficient items etc then fair enough.

WideWebWitch Mon 28-Jul-08 20:26:09

Hang on, hang on, let's not use the 'HELP' word here, please! He lives here, we are both adults, I work ft oth and earn considerably more than him (not that I think it's relevant but some people might), he's NOT HELPING when he pulls his weight, he's doing his share afaia concerned

nooka Mon 28-Jul-08 20:26:11

Sorry, but you can't insist he does it your way, even if you think your way is better (and it probably is, Ocado is much nicer than Tesco!). If he likes to pick the food himself then that's how he wants to do it. An hour every other week isn't the end of the world (and have you ever checked how long you take picking from the internet list, I'm not sure that it saves that much time). So you either do it all your way, or you let him do it his way when it is his turn.

Marina Mon 28-Jul-08 20:26:56

I am right with you here www. I don't have PMT, just mittelschmertz but I think he should do as he is told and pucker up to the PC

DiscoDizzy Mon 28-Jul-08 20:27:00

I do shopping online but DH wouldn't know where to start and his male ego wouldn't want me showing him either.

TheFallenMadonna Mon 28-Jul-08 20:27:29

Who decides what you're going to eat? I do the shopping (and did so when we both worked FT) because I plan the meals (in the loosest sense wink). DH did other stuff (making sure appropriate clothes were clean etc).

IME it's easier to take responsibility for an area rather than split each area 50:50. As long as all areas are covered and fairly divided.

cmotdibbler Mon 28-Jul-08 20:27:56

If he buys everything that you need for the week, and takes at least one child with him, and shopping doesn't interfere with anything else planned, then OK.

But if he doesn't get the stuff for kids packed lunches etc, uses it as 'his' time, or wiggles out of stuff because he 'needs' to do the shopping, then thats just not good enough.

We do the Ocado order together - well, one starts it, and then the other adds anything they particularly want

DiscoDizzy Mon 28-Jul-08 20:28:05

'do as he's told' grin

scanner Mon 28-Jul-08 20:28:27

Hmm, yes and no. You are saying that the food is to be ordered it should be done the way you do it and without taking time out from the family - why does it have to be your way. He may find it relaxing and enjoyable to go to the supermarket at the weekend and if he works hard during the week, surely that's ok. However, I have a dh who likes to do a shop, but doesn't think about necessities like washing powder or stuff for the dc's, so I do understand how enfuriating that can be. Can't you print out the favourites list from Ocado and tell him which items are required weekly/fortnightly etc and tell him that if he's going to do it these items must be bought.

WideWebWitch Mon 28-Jul-08 20:28:27

OK he is now saying he doesn't mind going in the evenings, or to Waitrose or taking both children. Hmm.

And now "mumsnet isn't a fair sample" ha ha ha ha

TheArmadillo Mon 28-Jul-08 20:28:51

you do it your way and he does it his. I assume you'd be pissed if he insisted yoou did it the same as him.

Unless he is forgetting half the stuff then YABU

chutneymary Mon 28-Jul-08 20:29:02

WWW my darling, you are not BU, but I think many men lack the food shopping gene. If DH wants to shop / offers to shop, he will get the stuff for his recipe but not think about things like milk, wipes, olive oil, kids' stuff etc as they don't involve him. They just magically appear hmm. I have learnt over the years that it is best to do the weekly shop myself and get it right, rather than let him do it, come back with a load of Tesco Finest Tomatoes but no loo roll (or whatever) and delegate him another task instead. It shouldn't be this way but in our house it is. Sounds like in your house it is too, even though you have helpfully got the whole lot in favourites.

Sorry, but I don't think you can win this one, even though you are in the right.

kid Mon 28-Jul-08 20:29:16

I think YABU
Your DH said from the start that he will go and get the shopping instead of ordering online, so its not like he just changed his mind about the way he does it.
Also, if you share the chore of shopping, doing alternative weeks, then you will both have food in the house that you like.

I think it could work well and it means you are not responsible for doing all the shopping yourself.

BreeVanderCampLGJ Mon 28-Jul-08 20:29:19

Sorry Darling,

But your post kind of smacks of my way or the highway.

You both operate in a different way.

Marina Mon 28-Jul-08 20:29:20

And how can anything scavenged for in a typical Tesco ever be as good as an Ocado shop? Seriously, I know you both like fine food, IMO if you are able to afford it, and I know you can, how can he honestly think a personal Tesco experience is going to yield better fruit than a a cute little green or purple van?

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:29:21

YANBU - but only because I dont want him to think MNers might agree with him grin

If he was not to know what I said, then YABU! At least he is doing it, his way, not your way. Deal with it or do it yourself as with so many things we have to do with our partners!

Sorry!!!!

WideWebWitch Mon 28-Jul-08 20:30:51

but scanner, he's an adult, I don't WANT TO tell him what to buy! He should be able to work it out himself, why should I use my headspace for that boring crap?

Marina Mon 28-Jul-08 20:31:00

I think allowing him take both children to Waitrose in the early evening while you relax over a poussin or something is a reasonable compromise on your part
Is he reading this WWW?

pooka Mon 28-Jul-08 20:31:18

Your DH is being unreasonable.

It makes infinitely more sense to shop on line when you are time poor. The quality of the shopping? Well, I have never had any concerns about the quality of our ocado shops.

I get the teensiest tiniest sense that he is somehow contriving to avoid doing the shop full-stop. i.e. I will do the shop, but my way, which will disrupt precious weekend time, which will result in you taking the burden of responsibility once again. Job done.

Or I may be a suspicious minded harpy.

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