To send DD to bed and tell her shes not playing out tomorrow? (sorry, long)

[TequilaMockinBird]

DD was playing outside with her friend (who is 13) and at 8pm came in to ask if she could ride round the block.

I said yes providing it was just round the block (up the street and back down the backlane) and that I could see her either from the front or back of the house. So off she went

15 minutes later I went out to check on her - no sign. I must admit that I immediately panicked but thought maybe she'd stopped off in one of her friends back yards or something.

I spent the next 30 minutes walking up the street and down the lane checking in all the other children's yards/front gardens looking for her - no sign.

By now I was really panicking and so got in the car to drive round the other streets looking for her. Both dd's and her friends mobiles were switched off and by this point I was shaking.

Couldn't see her at all so came back home to start ringing round friends/family to see if anyone had seen her. Put the carkeys inside and thought I'll have one more walk around the block just in case.

I walked down to the bottom of the street and then saw the 2 of them driving along the main road about 500 yards away. I beckoned her over and told her to get in the house straight away (by this time I was crying as well as shaking). It was 9.30pm, starting to get dark and they were riding along the main road with no lights on!

She came in the house and I started trying to tell her how worried I'd been, how it was very unsafe to be riding on the road, how I'd told her not to go out of sight etc.etc. She started arguing that I'm the worst mum in the world because everyone else is allowed to play out of sight. She argued and argued (with the horrible 'teenage-type' attitude she has recently acquired) and so I've sent her to bed. I've also grounded her tomorrow for what shes done tonight.

Shes in her room now throwing things around and crying saying she hates me etc

So, AIBU?

[VaginaShmergina]

Absolutely not at all. She was given clear instructions as to what you though acceptable and she basically ignored you.

Apart from the fact she was on the main road with no lights and could have been mown down at any point, she is easy prey for any "undesirables"

How old is your DD ?

She asked you at 8pm if she could go out and you did not find her til 9.30 I hope you have a large glass of something in your hand by now.

Leave her to have her paddy tonight.

Talk tomorrow. Explain the reasons for your concern and that as much as she thinks the big wide world is a safe place it isn't and she will only be allowed to do what you see as being appropriate for you as her parent. You could not give a rats bout what her friends get up to. She is your precious child and you want to keep her safe because you love her.

She requested to ride around the block, she did not do just that. Not good enough. As much as it may pain you tomorrow to keep her in I think you will have to to get your point across.

I have all this coming to me as my DD is 8. What I have said to you, will you say to me in 3+years time please

[Doodle2U]

Nope, you are not BU.

She is.

But then, she's young and it's par for the course.

What ever happens, carry out the punishment though.

When she's stopped stomping around, explain your case.

[Jackstini]

Nope YANBU - you gave her trust to do what she said she would do and she broke it. Not only did she lie, but she was putting herself in danger.
(However, your dd will still think YABU as she is a teenager and I remember what I was like!)
Would keep the punishment and talk to her in the morning when she may have calmed down.

[TequilaMockinBird]

Thanks VS, DD is 10.

She's driving me crazy at the moment, because her best friend is 13 she thinks that she can do things that 13 year olds can!

Yep, I'm going to stick to my guns and keep her in tomorrow. For now, I'll sit and drink this whole bottle of wine!

Good luck for when your time comes, although mine is probably going to get a whole load worse before it gets any better!

[VaginaShmergina]

If mine is anything like me I'm in for a hell of a time.

The difference between the ground rules for a 13 year old and a 10 year old are so different in my eyes. Your DD is still at Junior school and her friend has had a few more years to get more savvy and street wise.

It's all to easy to say discourage the friendship I suppose maybe more like encourage some younger friends if poss.

GIRLS !!

[roisin]

YANBU - you set groundrules, she broke them. And riding on the road without lights is very dangerous.

How old is she? If my boys break any of the groundrules for playing out/going out, then they don't get to go out

Leave her to have her strop tonight. Hopefully she will calm down and come and apologise.

In the morning sit down and talk to her about the rules and what is reasonable. Be prepared to be negotiate (or at least appear to offer some flexibility!) Everyone has to have rules they are comfortable with, and it depends on where you are located.

My boys (9 and 11) have considerable freedom and are allowed to go off without an adult and play out of sight, and I trust them with that. But they don't go out in the evenings, and certainly not at that time of night.

[twinsetandpearls]

Whether she should be allowed to play out of your right is not the issue. You have clear instructions which she agreed to and them broke in a dangerous manner and she should accept the consequences.

[whispywhisp]

I completely agree with your actions tonight. I would do exactly the same. But, you must remember to see thru with the grounding tomorrow. I've cancelled party invites if either of my two have played up - even with my youngest DD who is only 4yo. Cruel as that may sound but she will take me for a ride otherwise.

[TequilaMockinBird]

Thats the thing roisin, I dont think I'm all that strict at all. She is allowed to walk along to the sweet shop on occassion with her friends (as long as she comes straight back and doesnt stray anywhere else!).

But at that time of night, I don't mind her playing out as long as I can see her. We live in the city and its very busy here not just with cars but also people milling around. If shes just in our street then she's ok because its a 'play street' and so cars are not allowed down it (apart from residents).

Shes just pushing me more and more at the moment to see how far she can get. I'm not going to give in though, I honestly have never panicked before like I did tonight, it was truly awful

[Electricgooberella]

You were absolutely right.
You gave her clear instructions and she blew it.
Stand by your decision as she will try to make you feel guilty so you change your mind. DON'T!
Aren't teenagers great? I have 2 of them.! Pah!

[twinsetandpearls]

Out of your sight that should read. I also thought it was your dd who was 13. Agree there is a big difference between 10 and 13.

[whispywhisp]

My eldest DD is 10 later this year. I allow her to ride her bike up and down outside my house which is a strip of road with a bollard so no passing traffic. That is as far as I let her go. I do not allow her to walk to the local shop. I do not allow her to walk into town with her mates.

I personally think 10 is quite young to have a free rein although I know there are some 10yr olds that are very street-wise.

Your DD pushed her boundaries tonight. It didn't work. She was told her limitations before she went out. She went against what you permitted her to do. She needs to know NOW at 10yrs old that Mum has the final say.

[Hannah81]

you have to stick to the grounding tomorrow, or else she will think she can get away with it again. there is a big difference (IMO) between a 10yr old and a 13yr old - 13yo's are interested in boys (I was anyway) I would try to dicourage the friendship with her - or maybe jusy encourage other frienships with people in her year. maybe have a sleepover with someone her age and do things that 10yo's do rather than 13yo's?
I do sympathise with you, it must be really hard - i know i was - i was 13 with a 17yr old boyfriend (we never did anything like that, but i could have quite easily been led) - you don't want your daughter hanging around with older girls, because they hang around with older boys.

[TequilaMockinBird]

Thanks for all the replies. Just wanted reassurance that I'd done the right thing really.

Especially as she's still screaming that she hates me, I'm the worst mother in the world etc.

Still, at least I know (hope!) that this is just part of the 'guilt trip' she's playing hoping that I'll back down on the grounding - I won't though

I do wish i could discourage the friendship but the other girl lives upstairs (we're in a downstairs flat) and all the other children in the street are younger than dd so the teenager becomes all the more appealing

Good idea re: sleepover though Hannah, I could do that with some schoolfriends of hers during the holidays, thanks!

[whispywhisp]

You had completely done the right thing - good for you and once she calms down she'll hopefully understand why you reacted the way you did. Take absolutely no notice of her throwing a wobbler. Its pretty normal with 10yr old girls. I just ignore mine when she gets all uppity because she can't get her own way. It's not going to be easy for you with the elder girl living in the flat above you but if you can encourage your DD to mix with more kids her own age it'll help in the long run.

[Hannah81]

hopefully the 13yo will get bored of hanging around with a 10yo and move on to older friends, leaving your daughter to play with people her own age - I know its not a very nice thing to say, but surely it would make you worry a little less?
my thoughts are with you, especially tomorrow when she drives you up the wall all day.
when you start to think you are going to break, come on here for some more moral support - you can do it!
x

[VaginaShmergina]

Maybe she could give her room a good sort out while she is thinking about her actions !!!

Get on the phone to some of the other Mums, get the sleepovers booked and those that only have younger siblings, get her back where she belongs !!

[TequilaMockinBird]

Thanks ladies, will probably be back on tomorrow for moral support!

[whispywhisp]

Morning Tequila...Hope today goes ok for you! xxx

[LynetteScavo]

When I read the thread title, I immediately presumed I was going to think you are being unreasonable BUT having read the op, my life you're not!

You did extreamly well if you didn't shout at her. I hope you can make her realise how unreasonable she was. Good luck!

[VaginaShmergina]

How has your day been Tequila ?

DD behaving herself ?

[TequilaMockinBird]

Maybe I didnt need as much moral support as I thought I would

DD has been relatively calm all day which I am quite at!

We did have a couple of 'episodes' this morning when she was sat at the front window watching the other children playing in the street!

Apart from the constant arguing and attitude (which is the norm at the moment anyway ) she has been quite happy to stay in and annoy me

I've kept my cool all day though and made it very clear that I wasnt going to back down as what she did was dangerous and unforgiveable.

[VaginaShmergina]

Well done you, it must have been painful to have moany bottom in with you all day, but she knows you mean business.

Have you had the opportunity to talk about the unacceptability (is that a word?) of what she did last night ?

[TequilaMockinBird]

Yep we had a chat this morning. However, she doesn't think that it was unacceptable because of a whole host of excuses which she gave!

When I explained that I didnt want to hear excuses, I just needed her to understand that she cant do things like that, she stormed off into her bedroom and slammed the door!

I think she does know that it was unacceptable, just doesn't want to admit it!

[VaginaShmergina]

She probably did not think at all about the consequences or implications of her actions and she is probably, in her own way, coming to terms with the fact she messed up, big time.

I dont think you'll find her doing it again in a hurry (I hope not anyway, for your stress levels !)

Well done on not having a face off last night and standing your ground today. Big pat on the back and a bucket large glass of something chilled for you