to refuse a lift...

[Hollybrolly]

What would you do?

We were visiting pil's and ended up staying overnight. In the morning we (dp, dh, me) went a walk to boot sale near by.
Dp's mum called after an hour or so asking where we were because she wanted to see ds before she went out. She suggested she come pick us up. Dh agrees and she comes, without a carseat. So i say i'd rather walk back, i'd rather not travel without a seat. She starts saying i don't trust her driving and it's only ten minutes away, early morning, no traffic blabla.
She started bringing my mum up, saying if it was my mum i wouldnt mind. I said my mum has a carseat in the car always, she never takes it out ever, its on a base fitted in.

Anyway, i didnt take the lift and she put it down to me not wanting her to see, spent time with ds. But we started walking straight away, and it only took us half an hour to get back.

Was i being ungreatful and selfish as she says, by not accepting her lift after she had made the effort to come and get us?

[copingvquietly]

no you were thinking of your childs safety.imo you did the right thing!

[HumphreySmallPillow]

Your MIL was being childish and unreasonable.

I would not have let my child travel in a car without a suitable car seat.

Nor would any sensible parent / grandparent.

Your DP needs to point this out to her if she continues to carry on her tantrum about it.

[Hollybrolly]

My dp just tells me to ignore her, she only wants to see ds.
Other members of his family have commented on it infront of me, so she obviously spoke about it. Gah it makes me feel angry, and then silly for being angry.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

remind the silly selfish bitch that its ILLEGAL now to not have child in car seat, and as the driver it would be her fine/points on licence etc etc, if the only thing that will get through to her is a consequence to HER. and its not just her driving you need to worry about, its every other useless/drunk/not woken up yet/on autopilot idiot on the road you need to worry about.

i would never EVER EVER risk this. Huge damage can be done to children even by what seems to us a small bump at slow speeds: (warning, do not read next bit if easily upset)

once in hospital i saw a four year old who had been sitting in the back seat of a car, unrestrained, in middle seat (between two adults). family were just "nipping to the shops", when they were hit from behind by a taxi. Both vehicles were doing approx 20 mph, rolling towards lights (this was the statements given, may not have been totally accurate). the child was catapulted through the windscreen before anyone could react. horrific glass scarring on face and neck not to mention several broken bones and kidney/spleen damage. i have never forgotten her face. she will be scarred, forever. ask your MIL if she could face the guilt if anything did happen to your child and she had insisted on the drive?

well done you, on standing up to her. but INSIST your dh supports you fully and loudly on this. if she still thinks its a good idea, arrange a visit to a childrens ward, or forgive me, the morgue. that should do it.
sorry to be harsh, but i've seen a lot of needless death and injury from people thinking "it'll never happen to me". oh yes, it can and it will.

[PazzaPlusTwo]

YANBU

other people might have different ideas about your dcs' safety, but you're their mum/dad, YOU decide what goes.

my FIL got in a strop because i didnt want his young great dane bounding around our 10-week old twins. i decided not to cause a scene (fil is very ill and lives far away)but to make sure the twins were inside when the dog was loose, even making up excuses about nappy changes when i had to. i would never have forgiven myself if one had been bitten or even just bruised by a friendly paw.

[PazzaPlusTwo]

my SIL had the same problem with her dad, who wanted to buy a cheapo car seat for when she visits with her ds - he said 'i'm not planning to have an accident' !!!

OP - what did the other family members make of it?

[shybaby]

Ive had this, my Aunt offered to take us abroad but then said it would involve dd travelling on her lap and she knew that although my perfect princess bitch cousin didn't mind that with her daughter, she knew I would.

I replied that although I have complete faith in their driving (which I do), I do not have the same confidence in other road users and that accidents sometimes happen, im not prepared to risk it.

(Just blame it on other road users).

[madamez]

Now I would have taken the lift, because not only is the car seat law stupid, but it is actually unworkable as a law because it allows for exemptions on 'short unplanned journeys'(therefore invalidating itself but then it's stupid anyway because not everyone has a fucking car in the first place). However YANBU, it's up to everyone to make their own risk assessments and decide accordingly.
But why don't you buy a cheap car seat for your MIL to put in her car if you're bothered about it?

[EustaciaVye]

YANBU to be miffed but I agree with Madamez - get her a car seat for her car. Then you get to pick quality of it etc and she gets to spend more time with her grandson.

[hollybrolly]

Hey again! Thanks for the responce.

She does have a carseat, that we bought for her. It's a maxicosi to fit on a quinny zapp that we also bought for her house. She just forgot to bring it. I Wouldnt have agreed to a lift in the first place if she didnt have one.

[alicet]

YANBU. At all. In the slightest.

Most accidents happen during short journeys close to home exactly like the one she was planning on taking. Agree with poster who described the child in the accident - it's just not worth the risk.

And actually even if you were posting about something where I thought you were being a bit precious he's YOUR child and therefore YOUR rules.

It makes it even worse that you have bought her a carseat and she just didn't use it. She has not a leg to stand on. Totally her fault if it meant she then didn't get to spend the time with your ds. If she chooses to interpret this as you trying to stop her spending time with your ds that's her look out. Stand your ground

[katiepotatie]

YANBU at all, my PIL always ask to take DD in car without a car seat....I never let them either. It is your childs saftey afterall.

[PazzaPlusTwo]

Well if it only took you half an hour to walk home it would not have taken her long to drive home and come back with the carseat.

Sounds to me like she is being difficult on purpose to wind you up, and then accusing you of doing it instead. Ignore it if you can for the purposes of family diplomacy, but I deeply sympathise!

[stitch]

hmm, let see. your mil managed to bring up her children without the need for carseats. she obviously did a well enough job, otherwise you wouldnt be with yourdh.
now, along comes this womoan, who wont let her see her gc. she knows that nowadays all the women want their kids strapped in car seats, and she may think them essential too, after all, she has a brain, and has read up on it. but she forgot. she may even be embarassed. but her dil wont let her see her gc.

there are two sides to every story. even the law says it is ok for a child to be without a car seat if it is a short, un planned journey.

[hollybrolly]

Hey...

Well i don't think the law has too much to do with, i'd just feel better if he was in a carseat, be it unplanned or not.

Stitch.. are you suggesting i don't let her see ds? He is there everyweekend. We stay over one night a week. They are here at the least once a week. She didn't drive when my oh or his sister was young enough for a carseat. Just because i didnt want him in the car without a seat does not mean i am restricting her from seeing him.

She is very difficult sometimes. I have ignored many a comment from her and smiled for the sake of family, even her dh my sons grandad has pointed out that she is being unreasonable. She doesn't see my point in the no car seat thing though and thought i was being silly.

[pamelat]

not unreasonable at all .. !

In fact I would now feel uncomfortable with her driving my child anywhere (without me over seeing that the car seat is used), she has shown that she doesnt think it necessary.

How would she have lived with herself if anything had happened??

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

She needs to spend some time in a children's ward.

I've had this with various relatives.

I counter it with "I don't care what you think, I am their mother and what I say goes. Full stop"

[Thisismynewname]

The stupid arse should have driven home for the bloody car seat if giving you a lift was that important to her.

[Thisismynewname]

(and by the stupid arse I mean your MIL!)

[pamelat]

Oh will save that one "I am their mother and what I say goes", I like that.

I wonder why so many people try to know best when (in my opinion) a mother/father always has that final say.

[Blu]

What on earth does the law have to do with it?

DP's family live in a country where it is neither custom nor law to use a child seat (or any form of safety device for anything, afaics) - I have had to be extremely assertive sometimes - but nicely so, I hope. It's hard. I don't think you can make people see it from your pov - but she was being v rude and overbearing to make a big thing about your decision, even if she can't fathom it.

[missmama]

We as a family have had a car crash in a vehicle that by law does not have to have seat belts and it is not possible to have them fitted retrospectivly. Me DH 2DC and my parents on a special day out, being in the vehicle was the only reason for the trip. It was 10am on a Sunday morning.

The six of us had to be cut out of the van by firemen and taken to hospital in 4 seperate ambulances, luckily enough we did not have to stay overnight, we were in a country where none of us spoke the language. And I was the most seriously injured. We were not at fault, another driver lost control and rolled us down an embankment.

Believe me this is not going to happen again!!

[Kimi]

DPs mother went and got a car seat for DS2 to use when we visit her [once a year] and I was very greatful, she is not grandmother to my children, has no grandchildren and hers were before car seats. but she went to the trouble of getting one for my child so we did not have to drag one from one end of the country to the other

YANBU