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to be scared to tell my boss I'm pregnant

(16 Posts)
aaaarrrgggghhh Sat 26-Jul-08 00:10:54

perhaps I'm a bit sensitive and hormonal. here's are the reasons I'm dreading it. been back at work since no 1 for a year and a bit. had a different manager before (who liked me and was really happy for me).

This year x2 MC since November, which she knows about. One week after I got back from MC 1 she turned up unannounced one week early for supervision and bereated me for 2 hrs for not having everything to hand and said "I need performance from you".

Booked a meeting until 4.30 about an hour in traffic from where I am based. It over ran and I had to rush off at 4.45 to pick dd up from nursery. had a go about it at next meeting and questioned my comitmment to the job.

I asked for a day off to be birthing partner to best friend, obviously could not book the exact day. She said ok at the time but later on said "I know you want another baby yourself, but asking for a day of like this is setting a poor example as a manager".

She has repeatedly said that someone in HR makes certain decisions becuse she has small kids herself.

In my appraisial this week she said, "Oh god lets hope you dont go off an have twins or something".

I wish i could say that apart from this we get on.

I'm 14 weeks and starting to show. Dreading telling her and dreading coming back afterwards, but have to for a while at least. Thinking about telling her today brought on a bit of an anxiety pang and I sat on a park bench and cried. I am quite sensitive at the mo as been through such a lot this year, beyond the MC's. I really want to enjoy this pregancy but its been hard as so worried after loosing two and this really isn't helping.

What should I do?

Triathlete Sat 26-Jul-08 00:16:26

You should join a union.

You have rights in pregnancy, that are very well defined and protected. Find out what they are and know them by heart when you talk to her.

You can ask for someone else to be present in the discussions too.

You should keep a diary of any communications, esp. unpleasant ones - keep a list, keep text messages, print and take emails off site.

DOn't let it get to her asking you whether you're pregnant - you'll be on the back foot and it'll be really difficult.

Feel for you, it's horrible having a nasty manager. Have a great pregnancy, take all the leave, and then find another job.

Triathlete Sat 26-Jul-08 00:17:24

Actually that second paragraph about supervision is appalling. Can anyone else substantiate that? It reads like bullying.

Capital Sat 26-Jul-08 00:20:12

Well....**Congratulations****

She sounds like an utter cow. Sure you don't need to say anything for a bit. Am self-employed so don't know the rools in companies. (Have you posted in the employment forum thingy here?)

You are ALLOWED to be pg it's none of her fecking business. Can you take this up with HR and let them deal with it entirely?

PazzaPlusTwo Sat 26-Jul-08 00:30:00

YANBU

congratulations!

have a great weekend and try not to think about it

i dont think there is much you can do about it anyway

HollyandNoah Sat 26-Jul-08 00:32:04

Hey,

Congratulations!!

I don't think you need to tell your work untill 25 weeks, i might be wrong though!
I dreaded telling my manager and she was really nice!
She sounds horrible though Don't let her bring you down! xx

juneybean Sun 27-Jul-08 20:59:48

I think you are right, 15 weeks before birth or something.

Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy! :D

tori32 Sun 27-Jul-08 21:10:24

I would go to HR if possible. Ask them to tell her and tell them why you are worried about telling her. Before you leave and having kept any correspondence and a diary of communication (verbal) I would do a written complaint and hand that to HR. She should have a warning for that sort of behaviour- its discriminatory and bullying.

TenaciousG Sun 27-Jul-08 21:36:43

Please join a union; women can be sexist arseholes too, and she sounds like she is committing indirect sex discrimination. Just to be nosy, how old is she? Has she any children herself? Congratulations on your pg btw.

lovelysongbird Sun 27-Jul-08 21:44:41

agree with tori, how awful you was in taers at the thought of telling her your wonderful news

tell hr that bit too.

do you want to tell her ow would would you rather wait?

fizzbuzz Sun 27-Jul-08 21:45:49

Oh god lets hope you dont go off an have twins or something".angry

Would she say that to a man? She is overstepping the mark imo here. Is this not dicriminating behaviour? I think perhaps you need to act on this if you feel brave enough

Is it a big or little company you work for?

anynamewilldo Sun 27-Jul-08 22:43:56

I was dreading telling my officer in charge that i was pregnant for the second time, but i had only been back in work 3 days after being on maternity leave for 6 mths grin needless to say they werent too happy to begin with. they all thought i was mad as it was my 5th.

babyignoramus Mon 28-Jul-08 13:21:19

Out of interest, what sort of company is it?

Anyhow, she sounds horrible! If I were you I'd go over her head either to the next manager up or failing that, to HR. If she gives you any crap at all, tell her
a) she is discriminating against you
b) she is compromising your health during pregnancy by stressing you out so much - which may lead to you being signed off for the duration (she won't like that I'm betting!!)

Anyway, good luck and let us know how it goes.

Starshinetiger Mon 28-Jul-08 13:39:28

Hey Aaarghh - congratulations on your pg, but sorry to hear about your manager. You don't need to tell your employer until 25 weeks, but if you are showing already (although no doubt you are much more aware that you are showing than anyone else is smile) then you might prefer to tell her, as it will get it out of the way. I would do as suggested above and fully brief yourself on your rights - i.e. paid time off for antenatal appointments, you don't need to tell them to 25 weeks and you don't need to make any decisions about maternity leave yet. I would also ensure you know who to go to in HR and time it with a day when her boss will be around, so that if the meeting goes pear-shaped, you can go to boss or HR straightaway to escalate. This way, you are doing the right thing (even if she isn't) and following proper routes - so you are role-modelling proper behaviour. You can't be discriminated against for either having children or being pregnant. She shouldn't be bullying you in this way even if you weren't pregnant either.

On the other issues - turning up early for supervision, you shouldn't stand for 2 hours' berating and if this happens again I would make sure you explain what you had ready and what your plans were to have ready for the meeting for the planned time and date. The badly timed meeting - this isn't acceptable, you have agreed working hours and if she needs you to work outside of these hours (this includes where you need to attend a meeting outside of your normal workplace, which will lengthen your travel time) then she needs to ask with reasonable notice and if you can't meet her request then that's that (as long as you are being reasonable too of course).

As said above, if this behaviour continues, then document what has happened/been said and take it to HR - you have the option of raising a grievance. She does sound unreasonable - but is there any chance a firm word to her would resolve it? Even maybe from her boss or HR and that would do the trick - sometimes that's not the case and you can only follow the formal route to make your working life more bearable.

HTH

Reamhar Mon 28-Jul-08 13:51:06

FGS YANBU at all. In fact your manager is absolutley out of order with her comments about you having another child or being pregnant again. You would be within your rights to raise a grievance on that alone.

You need to say to here that her comments are damaging your confidence, that you want to do you best in your role, but that you find her current behavour not acceptable. I'd be around to HR in a heart beat if that didn't make her back off, and I work in HR!!

Enjoy being pregnant, go on maternity and use the time to find another job if all else fails.

Managers like this just make me so [angry}.

aaaarrrgggghhh Mon 28-Jul-08 22:50:53

well plucked up the courage today and then she was on the phone! left a message asking her to call me.

I've told someone sympathetic in HR. Thought it best as I've fainted a few times (not at work). I did manage to slip into the conversation that I'm apprehensive about telling her and the conversation about the twins, so they have an inkling if it does indeed escalate. Hopefully it wont.

HR have already offered to do my matenity interview so I think I'll tell them the whole thing (off the record for now). I'm loathe to do anything that will make things any worse for me though. They are a responsible employer so hopefully it will be ok. I'll keep yoou posted. thanks for the support and encouragement. x

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