Talk

Advanced search

To not want my dh to go away this weekend?

(28 Posts)
2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 20:18:28

Or any weekend tbh. My dh has been in the territorial army for about 15 years (before we meet and obviously before our dc`s were born.) When we met I saw it as a hobby an interest. He has worked his way up from a private nto full corporal. He enjoys his weekends away and his fortnights anual camp and tuesay evenings. The problem is I stopped seeing it as a harmless hobby the day he received his call up papers to go to Iraq. He spent 6 months in Iraq during 2003/04. Again before the dcs were born. He works very long hours and very rarely gets weekends off although he does get days of in the week. All this means that the support I used to give him is getting less and less particularly since the dcs were born. Our youngest is 8 months and still doesn't sleep well at night our oldest is 2 3/4. He did all the required amount of weekends and fortnight a/c last year although as I wes pregnant at the time (extremely so during his anual camp!) and his hours were even worse than they are now I was not happy with him going. Since the birth of youngest ds I have managed to disuade him not to go away for his weekends. However thi

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 20:25:13

Oops pressed the wrong thing there! As far as this weekend is concerned it all came to a head. I told him again I didn't want him to go and he was very annoyed. Said he will tell his co that he can't go because his wife can't cope with our 2 little boys!! Took it out at the children snapping at them etc and didn't speak to me for a day. He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable to want to spend such a rare weekend off (friday to monday!) together as a family. Am I?

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 20:25:13

Oops pressed the wrong thing there! As far as this weekend is concerned it all came to a head. I told him again I didn't want him to go and he was very annoyed. Said he will tell his co that he can't go because his wife can't cope with our 2 little boys!! Took it out at the children snapping at them etc and didn't speak to me for a day. He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable to want to spend such a rare weekend off (friday to monday!) together as a family. Am I?

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 20:30:25

Hope all this doesn't sound selfish!!

DonnyLass Thu 24-Jul-08 20:39:23

yanbu at all

he is being mean and infantile

you're allowed to want to spend time together fgs

and an emotional threat like that is designed to make you feel dumb ... don;t captiulate

'said he will tell his co' ... that's bloody big of him

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 21:03:13

He often says to me "why? can't you cope then?" whenever I ask him to spend more time me with the boys or help with them. For example if I ask with help with putting them to bed and this risks shock horror being late for his tues eves or whatever. He'll either do it extremely reluctantly and under protest (last week he came down stairs and hit the roof afterwards!) or he says no haven't the time and shoots off! And whenever tues evenings or weekend/anual camp subject comes up he always says "can't you cope!"

nowwearefour Thu 24-Jul-08 21:10:53

my dh is a local councillor and into his politis and we have this issue too. yanbu. it is hard you want to support them and to see them fulfilled as people but where do fmaily fit into that? a hard line to draw. i guess when they are older (dcs i mean) it will be easier. just be gentle and compromise. that is what we try to do. but it is hard. came to a head for us this year over party conference...

fizzbuzz Thu 24-Jul-08 21:33:33

Does he go every weekend? I would be seiously pissed off in your shoes....seriously.

Do you get the same amount of weekends away? I do hope so.

What is more important to him, the TA or his family? As for the "not coping" stuff. Tell him to bollocks and make sure you go away as much as he does and see how he copes smile

Very angry on your behalfangry

Pinkveto Thu 24-Jul-08 21:38:57

You are not not coping. You had children as a couple. He has a duty, and responsibility to partake in their care. Words like duty, and responsibility often strike a chord with the military minded.

And if they dont work, tell him hes being a selfish wanker.

madamez Thu 24-Jul-08 21:39:43

Yes, what time off to indulge hobbies do you get?

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 21:44:21

No he hasn't been away since ds2 was born. Have so far persuaded him not too. This weekend was the hardest to persuade him though although he is not going now. Works most saturdays so if he wants to go away it has to be on a rare weekend off like this weekend or as usually happens take time off from work as unpaid leave but gets paid by the TAs. Never go away for weekend ourselves anymore (one weeks holiday since ds2 was born.) I'm a sahm by the way.

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 21:47:59

BTW going away and leaving him to cope not an option at the moment as still bf my youngest!

fizzbuzz Thu 24-Jul-08 21:51:56

How many weekends does he go away?

One weekend in 8 months isn't so bad, as long as you get a weekend away as welll, doing your favourite child free thing!

Although if he works most Saturdays, he can't see much of his family anywayhmm

Dp would get his head pulled off if he tried anything like this with megrin

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 22:01:30

Has to do a certain amount of weekends a financial year April to April. Last year worked out at 1 weekend every 6 weeks or so roughly sometimes more sometimes less plus his fortnights anual camp. Hasn't been away so far as I've persuaded him not to but he's losing patience with me and has made it clear he's staying in the tas has a knack of making me feel selfish and guilty

2luvlyboys Thu 24-Jul-08 22:01:32

Has to do a certain amount of weekends a financial year April to April. Last year worked out at 1 weekend every 6 weeks or so roughly sometimes more sometimes less plus his fortnights anual camp. Hasn't been away so far as I've persuaded him not to but he's losing patience with me and has made it clear he's staying in the tas has a knack of making me feel selfish and guilty

fizzbuzz Thu 24-Jul-08 22:15:20

I think he is selfish not you. One weekend in 6 is pushing it IMO. What if you needed to go away one week in 6, and had a fortnights jamboree?

I would struggle to cope with a toddler and an 8mo non sleeper...I think anyone would. I find one 2 year old a handful....

He needs to grow up and realise you can't always have everyhting you want. He works full time (incl Saturdays) and is in the Ta's? Does he have any spare time to devote to his family? It sounds like he doesn't.... What sort of message is he giving you and your dc. I think he needs to sort his prorities out.

Why did he have a family if he is still trying to pursue what would appear to be a single life. Doesn't seem to have made the transition to family lfe .......

fizzbuzz Thu 24-Jul-08 22:19:38

Or alternativly do as he suggests, and "stop coping" grin See where that leaves him....

MsHighwater Thu 24-Jul-08 23:52:05

Do you want him to leave the TA? Have you told him this - in so many words, that is?

I mean, it's not really a hobby, is it? It's part of the Army and that surely means it's not just something he can give up just like that. And, fizzbuzz, it's not just something that single people do. Or people who work part-time.

Maybe he is being selfish and maybe he isn't but he was in the TA when you got together and, unless he promised to give it up and has reneged on that, then YABU a little bit, I think.

ALMummy Fri 25-Jul-08 07:47:33

Agree with MsHighwater, although I can imagine it would be very irritating all the same.

justaboutagrownup Fri 25-Jul-08 07:52:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MouseMate Fri 25-Jul-08 08:33:06

Fizzbuzz, the 'fortnight's jamboree' is actually a very strenuous 2 weeks of military training, you make it sound like a scout camp.

I agree with MsHighwater. As he was in the TA when you got together it seems mean to expect him to change now, unless he specifically promised to do so. I'm sure you enjoy the extra money that being in the TA brings in - so you can hardly expect him not to do at least the minimum expected for this money - and as for the deployments overseas, NO-ONE in the TA has (so far) been compulsory mobilised to these places, so he must have 'chosen' to go.

I get that you are tired, emotional and want more support from him, but is it really too much for him to expect you to be able to put the children to bed on your own one night a week, and one weekend in 6? If that is the case how on earth do single mothers cope without someone to help - ever?

Maybe truthfully you aren't coping - not in a nasty way, honest, and you could do with sitting down with him and explaining this. Mind you, if he hasn't completed a weekend for 8 months the TA may very well discharge him anyhow - which is probably what he meant when he said he would speak to his CO. They need people who can commit - and it sounds like he cannot

madamez Fri 25-Jul-08 10:05:21

I thought he was going off every weekend, which did seem a bit excessive and as though he regarded his wife as a domestic appliance who should just be there in teh house doing stuff in the background. But one weekend in 6 doesn;t sound too bad and one evening off a week should be mandatory for every parent: the important thing is that he devotes some time to making sure that the OP has time off to indulge herself as well (ie one night a week and one weekend in 6 should be her free time).

Baffy Fri 25-Jul-08 10:12:30

YANBU

And tbh, next time he said 'can't you cope' I'd be inclined to reply "no"!

And if he needs it spelling out, what you can't cope with, is the fact that you need there to be a balance between his time away, and his time with his own family. And it is up to him to get that balance right!

fizzbuzz Fri 25-Jul-08 13:26:02

How the hell should I know what a fortnight's training should involve, I know nothing about the TA.

But what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

MsHighwater Fri 25-Jul-08 15:30:28

Fizzbuzz, perhaps you should be a bit more circumspect before giving such harsh judgements about something you admit you know so little about.

2luvlyboys, I certainly sympathise with your situation - if I've picked you up correctly, your dh has a job that requires him to work long hours including many weekends meaning he is not home every weekend as many of our dh's are. He, nevertheless, gives up a proportion of his weekends to TA activities and you wish he would spend more of them with you. I don't blame you for wishing he was with you more often. I would not want to live that way and am fortunate that I don't have to.

However, the TA is not a hobby (the fact that he enjoys it does not alter that) and you were wrong ever to think it was. He has made a commitment to it that he had already made when you married him and a certain level of input is required from him - and from you and your dc's in his support.

If you want him to give it up you have to discuss it with him, openly and honestly and, between you, come to an agreement about whether he continues with it or not. I hope you manage to find a satisfactory resolution.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now