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to feel a bit miffed about Bil.

(57 Posts)
Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:29:59

In a few weeks time it is ds's 2nd birthday, which actually falls on a Thursday so we are planning on having a small BBQ with close family as a celebration on the Saturday.

Bil has known about these plans for some time, and when the subject came up a couple of weeks ago he mentioned that his finacee's Dad and siblings were supposed be coming to stay withn them that weekend, but probably weren't arriving until Sunday anyway. We said they were all more than welcome to come if they should arrive on Saturday.

So dh was chatting on the phone to him last night and he says "I won't be coming over for ds's BBQ weekend as fiancee's family are now coming up on Saturday to spend the week with us". They are about 6hrs away from Bil's house and Bil has apparently offered to buy a train ticket which will take him 2.5hrs south, in order to meet fiancee's family and drive the last leg of the journey for her Dad.

The Dad is fit and healthy and as far as I'm aware, perfectly capable of completing the journey without Bil's assistance. Now I know it's up to him how he wants to spend his time etc, but I was just so shock when dh told me this. Bil is, to put it politely 'thrifty', it's just so out of character for him to do something that will take him out of his way and put him out of pocket.

He told dh "I'm not bothered about coming to the BBQ anyway, I'll just pop over and see ds on another day". He thinks it all revolves around him and I just find it incredibly rude. He's obviously just licking fil to be's backside. angry.

lulumama Thu 24-Jul-08 12:34:21

well, i think you ABU

it is far more important that he develops a good relationship with his fiancee's father, do you not think? your 2 year old DS is not going to miss him at the party.

you say he thinks it all revolves around him, but you think this should all revolve around you

a 2 yr olds birthday party is not as importnat to everyone else, as it is to the child's parents.

my brother is not coming to my DDs 3rd birthday party this weekend as his best friend is having an engagement party

and that is fine !

surely if he comes to the party under sufferance, it won;t be pleasant anyway

mrsruffallo Thu 24-Jul-08 12:37:43

I agree with lulumama, YABU. Your son won't remember, and it won't make a differece to him if his uncle isn't there.
As long as you and dh are, he'll have fun

love2sleep Thu 24-Jul-08 12:38:05


Try seeing it from your your BIL's fiancee's point of view. It is completely reasonable IMO for her and her fiancee to prioritise time with her parents over time with their nephew. Why should their life revolve around your lo. I agree that they could have given you more notice and dealt with it more politely but I think you are expecting the world to revolve around your ds. Your BIL has said he will come around another day - why isn't this enough?


Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:40:12

No I don't think it all revolves around me. I know ds won't really give a fig either way; it seems such a ridiculous thing for Bil to do as I'm sure finacee's father would never have expected it. Imo it is him prioritsing an existing engagenebt to simply arse lick.

Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:40:52


Kewcumber Thu 24-Jul-08 12:42:13

Sorry YABU - "He thinks it all revolves around him " an you think it all revolves around your family... and you'd both be right. In your own lives you are the most important people.

Why on earth shouldn;t he go out of his way to be nice to his future inlaws shock he's likely to have a closer relationship going forward with them than he is with your son.

Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:42:31

I wouldn't want fiancee to put us before her family, but they are there for a week! Bil didn't need to go, she also drives.

lulumama Thu 24-Jul-08 12:42:33

why should he not put himself out for his fiancee's father? i don;t get why you see this as arselicking? you sound really angry.

surely he needs to forge a good relationship with FIL to be and prove he is a good man for his daughter.. and if putting himslef out for him is a bad thing in your eyes, then i just can;t see where you are coming from

and he has said he will come another day

Kewcumber Thu 24-Jul-08 12:44:58

I also really don't see why you have such a problem with it. Putting yourself out to help family is not exactly "arse licking"

sophiewd Thu 24-Jul-08 12:45:01


It doesn't matter how fit or healthy your are but I am sure that his future FIL is grateful that he doesn't have to drive th whole 6 hours. I know I would.

mrsruffallo Thu 24-Jul-08 12:45:11

But it's up to him if he wants to do this for his future father in law. You need to butt out

Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:45:39

I can see where you are all coming from, but I suppose what grates on me is that this is so not like Bil, and seems and odd and unecessary thing to do when you already have plans.

LazyLinePainterJane Thu 24-Jul-08 12:46:17


It is none of your business if your BIL chooses to put himself out for his partners family. As to whether his partners father is fit or not, well, that is also none of your business and not really something you should bring up. I assume that he is making a good impression with his future in-laws?

As for your DS's party. Well, your DS won't care. You would like him to be there so why don't you just say that?

Aren't you just annoyed that BIL is "licking his FIL-to-be's backside" and not yours?

HonoriaGlossop Thu 24-Jul-08 12:46:30

yes he's just being a good boyfriend.

It's not worth getting this cross about, surely, if ds won't miss him, which at two, he won't - not one bit! He will be having a whale of a time with the people who ARE there

You are being unreasonable and a tad over-conrolling if you'll allow me to say so.

Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:46:52

Oh I will butt out, I will smile sweetly and say nothing; just be shaking my head inside.

mrsruffallo Thu 24-Jul-08 12:49:20

Shaking your head inside? hmm

Kewcumber Thu 24-Jul-08 12:49:20

You think being helpful to your in-laws is "odd and unecessary"?

mrsruffallo Thu 24-Jul-08 12:50:17

I think you have very strong feelings for your bil.
I bet you don't approve of his fiancee

Kewcumber Thu 24-Jul-08 12:50:30

sorry I don't say this often but your attitude is as mad as a box of frogs. Its a small family BBQ weeks away that he's pulled out of not a garden party at buckingham Palace!

Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:51:15

OKay so it seems that to everyone else I ABU, which is why I wouldn't actually dream of saying anything to him in real life. As someone has already said - it is his business. I think I'm entitled to feel put out though.

Milkysallgone Thu 24-Jul-08 12:52:10

Get on really well with them both actually, we are all very close.

RubySlippers Thu 24-Jul-08 12:53:15

i would swoon at your BIL

too many people don't make the attempt to be nice to their in-laws

how lovely

i think YABU - "shaking my head inside"?

You can't see how nice his behaviour is AND he has said he will come and see your DS another day

I think he should be cloned

RubySlippers Thu 24-Jul-08 12:54:22

nowt to feel put out about IMO

my sister and brother haven't been able to make it to my DS's parties

never felt put out for even one second

Kewcumber Thu 24-Jul-08 12:54:37

if you have said that you were mildly put out that BIL had dumped you for his in-laws then we might have been a little sympathetic but calling your BIL an arse-licker because he's offered to drive part of a very long journey (6hrs is a hell of a long drive to do on your own) is a tad hysterical.

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