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Or is my SIL being selfish?

(24 Posts)
WallOfSilence Tue 22-Jul-08 21:37:52

Bit of background detail:

Dh has 1 sister.

She is married but has no children yet.

Their grandma lives alone but most of her daily care falls to their aunt who lives close to her.

Over the course of last summer I had long holidays and went to visit her every day, taking my two children with me. I did her cleaning & made her dinners etc & this meant their aunt had a bit of a break too. During this time dh's sister visited once a week to carry out a specific task, stayed for 20 minutes and went home to 'cook dinner'. I like their grandma and she likes me.

Anyway, since then I have got a job, working long hours and don't have as much time. I call grandma from time to time & dh visits her when he can. Thing is, the whole family is off on holidays next month with just SIL & her dh, me & my DH staying in this country.

Grandma has started getting a bit forgetful & falling over & MIL & her sister talked about putting her into a home for the 3 weeks they will be away... grandma says no way, she has her own home & she wants to stay in it.

DH said that he is willing to take on his aunts responsibility of visiting her daily when he finishes work (about 6pm) and cooking for her, so that she gets to stay in her own home.

SIL has had a tantrum. Apparently MIL asked her to help DH when they are away & she said she isn't willing to take on the responsibility & that she would be better off in a home, she said she couldn't look after her properly and that she didn't see why she should have to.

She emailed me today with a whole string of abuse about why she shouldn't look after gran, how her dh thinks it would be too much for her...even suggesting that grandma went into a home permanently.

Now I have to admit that I didn't offer to visit gran every day (it was DH) as when I did it over the summer I somehow ended up with every single thing to do (shopping, cleaning, cooking, banking etc) And I just don't have the time do to that this time.

I feel angry at SIL who doesn't have a job, doesn't have any children to be at home for but doesn't feel like she can 'sacrafice the time' (her own words) to make sure gran is happy....

I am prepared to admit I am BU but at the minute my head can't get round the fact she is angry at dh for offering to help!!

VeniVidiVickiQV Tue 22-Jul-08 21:40:05

Ah fuck her. Your Dh has clearly shown her up to be selfish hence her anger.

No YANBU.

Seabright Tue 22-Jul-08 21:41:53

YANBU as you didn't volunteer. But, no-one HAS to take responsibility for someone else, just because they are related to them. If someone genuinly wants to, that's wonderful for both parties.

Your DH volunteered, he should have the main responsibility with you supporting as you feel able to do so.

Good luck.

NorthernLurker Tue 22-Jul-08 21:42:58

She is selfish and your dh sounds lovely. I think your mil and aunt are also very nice as they clearly don't want to put their responsibilities off on other shoulders but when alls said and done we're talking 3 weeks! The love your Grandma has given you all for the whole of your lives should be worth 3 weeks of support - your dh obviuosly thinks so - good for him - and for you because you sound lovely too! smile

ihatebikerides Tue 22-Jul-08 21:55:02

Well, I suppose she (SIL) has the right not to want to chip in and do her bit, selfish or not. But that's no excuse for her banging on at you about it. It's probably her conscience talking. She feels she should, because your DH has offered, but she doesn't want to, and feels your generous offer makes her look bad. Her problem. If your DH feels that what he has offered to do is manageable, and he can do it without her help, then fine. Obviously it would be preferable for her to help. So, I don't think YABU, but I also don't see what you can do about it..... except be very proud of your DH for being a good egg (as, of course, you were last year!)

Onionpeeler Tue 22-Jul-08 22:00:25

ooo dear not much sisterly-in-law love going on in your family is there?

"Over the course of last summer I had long holidays and went to visit her every day, taking my two children with me. I did her cleaning & made her dinners etc & this meant their aunt had a bit of a break too. During this time dh's sister visited once a week to carry out a specific task, stayed for 20 minutes and went home to 'cook dinner'. I like their grandma and she likes me."

Yes, you SIL is a total c*unt and you are perfect. Is that what you wanted to hear? If you are such a do-gooder why don't you give your SIL a ring and try and see her side of it? Except you hate her because she's your DH's sister, and as such, you can't stand her. Thought so.

You should get a life and stop hating on your SIL.

constancereader Tue 22-Jul-08 22:03:19

hmm onionpeeler

ravenAK Tue 22-Jul-08 22:04:04

Just reply (or better forward her rant to dh & get him to reply, since he's the one who volunteered (why isn't she ranting directly at him?):

'It's fine, we'll manage'.

...has your dh thought through who's going to do the shopping, cleaning & banking?

beanieb Tue 22-Jul-08 22:08:08

I don't think she's angry at DH, she just doesn't want the responsibiity and that's her porogative. She shouldn't have sent you abuse though.

abbieslife Tue 22-Jul-08 22:09:53

Onionpeeler,I think you have issues of your own.

TenaciousG Tue 22-Jul-08 22:10:59

Steady on, Onions old bean.

WallOfSilence Tue 22-Jul-08 22:15:29

Onionpeeler? What?

I am not a 'do-gooder'... um, I think you may have anger management issues though.

As a matter of fact I do get on with my SIL, she is my dhs only sister & my childrens' only relative on that side of the family, so whatever problems you may think there are, I'm afraid you're wrong.

I do see it her way that she doesn't want the responsibility though. She said she doesn't want to give up her time (she has hobbies). And I can kind of see her POV, but she could just have said she didn't want to help, not make dh seem like he ruined her plans by offering.

I showed dh the email & he said he didn't think he would be getting her help when he offered, he just didn't want to see her having to go into a home when she didn't want to.

FabioThatFirggingCat Tue 22-Jul-08 22:16:32

The point of mn is to help, not to use the internet as your anonymous tool of vitriol.

WOS - where are social services? It sounds like she needs carers to go in a couple of times a day. Maybe contact gran's GP?

WallOfSilence Tue 22-Jul-08 22:23:35

Fabio, she has carers who come in & dress her in the morning & then their aunt carries out evening duties (which is why dh thought he could step in to cover the evenings that the aunt will be away for) sorry I should have said that in the OP, the carers get her out of bed, make her brekkie & get her into her seat for the day.

It was the carer who spoke to MIL & said gran wasn't happy about going into a home & if there was any way she could stay in her own home it would be better for her to do so.

It's not like he will have to be there all day every day, just about an hour in the evenings, (and then 1/2hr later on for bedtime) make her something to eat etc.. I think he will also take her groceries & he will probably do her banking at the weekend only.

It would have been handy if SIL could've helped her into her nighty & stuff as dh wouldn't want to do that & at that time of night I would be at home with our children who would be in bed.

I suppose I could go for the 1/2hr nighty dressing.

Ach we'll get round it some way!

LittleBella Tue 22-Jul-08 22:33:08

WoS ignore Onionpeeler she is obviously a troll.

YANBU. SIL is. If she doesn't want to help that's her decision, but she has no right to stop you from helping. She sounds like a loon.

FabioThatFirggingCat Tue 22-Jul-08 22:34:18

OOps. blush

The first sentence was meant for Onionpeeler - just realised that's not obvious. Sorry WOS if you thought it was for you, I didn't make it clear.

Social services should up the care package I think. Sounds like she needs more help than she's getting. Always better to have carers and family to do extra bits and (God forbid) pick up any slack than the other way around.

She may not want your dh to do nighty duty either. Contact social services and explain there's no one to help, can they provide evening carers too. That way, your time with her will not be spent on chores and errands, and it might encourage lazy SIL to visit too.

Quattrocento Tue 22-Jul-08 22:37:36

Care of elders is an issue for most families, and it's an issue that figures to get worse as we all live longer.

It sounds as though your SIL is wary of getting lumbered with sole care and responsibility.

If anyone "should" have the responsibility it is your MIL and her sister. Your MIL sounds as though she isn't doing an awful lot for her mother, but she isn't getting much heat from you.

People should only do as much as they feel able or want to do. Your SIL doesn't want to do it, and really, that's fair enough. There are probably subtexts in here that aren't immediately apparent. Not fair of her to be cross with your DH for wanting to do it.

WallOfSilence Tue 22-Jul-08 22:38:36

She had a mini stroke last year (with no lasting effects thank goodness) and at that time she had a care package out in place.

She was to get 2 visits a day & a cleaner (through some other company, not SS) and she said she didn't want strangers in the house & she sacked the cleaner.

It is only after a recent fall that she relented and let the morning set in again.

Do you think they would put carers in place for just 3 weeks to cover for the family holiday? (I mean there are about 28 people going abroad at once!) We're not going as we already had our holiday booked.

ladymariner Tue 22-Jul-08 22:41:14

WOS, you sound lovely and your gran is very lucky to have you in the family.
Onionpeeler, you sound nasty and vicious.

WallOfSilence Tue 22-Jul-08 22:42:45

Quattro, MIL works full time and tbh she & her mum clash.

Her only sister is the one who cares mostly for their mum.

As I said, I do sort of understand where SIL is coming from re: responsibility, but it's just for 3 weeks.

I know as soon as their aunt is home again she would take her role right back. She has 5 kids who visit daily too, so gran will probably be lonely when they're away. This is why SIL pushes the home idea as she would have company (I can also see her POV there, but if gran is going to be unhappy, for the sake of caring for three weeks you'd think we could all pull together)

Onionpeeler Tue 22-Jul-08 23:07:32

I have a really good friendship with my SIL.

Doesn't sound like WOS does though - maybe she needs to do the right thing, (which she's obviously sooooooooo good at - even though her post is full of SIL put-downs!) and make friends.

Spread the love WOS. xxxxxxxxxxxx

oh yeah - and stop pretending you give a shit about your DH's grandma!! YOu're not fooling anyone!!!!!! ha ha.

ladymariner Tue 22-Jul-08 23:10:32

Onions, are you the op's sil, by any chance?

LittleBella Tue 22-Jul-08 23:11:04

nah, just a troll.

It's the school holidays isn't it?

ladymariner Tue 22-Jul-08 23:17:12

sad, sad, sad!!!

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