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about a friend

(12 Posts)
susia Tue 22-Jul-08 21:31:24

I have a very old friend from 20 years ago. We used to be very close but live about an hour and a half away and she is married with four children whereas I am a single parent with one so don't see each other often now.

But one of her children is the same age as my son (she has two of 11 and 12, one of 5 one of 3) and I have a five year old.

Last year I suggested we all went camping for a weekend over the summer. She is a teacher so has the summer off. Anyway she said yes but wanted to leave it to last minute to arrange due to all the arrangements she has with four children. I wanted to plan it in advance as I felt it wouldn't happen otherwise and was right as we didn't plan anything and then one weekend she rang and asked if I wanted to go camping but I had arrangements. So, it didn't happen then.

This year again I suggested it and tried to arrange it with her in advance. We provisionally booked a weekend at the end of August but she said that if things came up she may have to cancel. That was about 2 months ago. Then she rang to ask if her and her youngest 2 could stay at the end of July as well which I said was good.

A couple of weeks ago she left a message on my phone saying the weekend of the 25th had to be cancelled as she had last minute holiday. I assumed the weekend in July and was a bit irritated as had started making plans about what we could do that weekend but not too much so. Anyway still assumed the weekend camping end of Aug was still on.

Tonight got a call from her saying that she'd have her oldest two with her and I twigged that she had been cancelling the August weekend in her July call (and was now calling about the July weekend which I had since made other plans for).

I felt quite annoyed as I felt that if I make arrangements with someone (considering that her and her husband have 5 weeks summer holiday) then I stick to it as much as possible and plan other things around those dates. Our conversation was really stilted as I said 'so you can't make either weekend then?'. It was then really awkward, I said that I had the answermachine message which said the weekend in July was the one she wanted to cancel. But have since listened to it and it is ambiguous.

What I am annoyed about though is that despite trying to plan it months in advance, she couldn't pencil in one weekend/weekdays (it could have been anytime in August)and just cancelled when she got a cheap flight deal and I would have thought that she would have made arrangements around that weekend?

What does anyone else think?

susiecutiebananas Tue 22-Jul-08 21:39:42


I can understand how you feel, and I would also feel very hurt. I see you point exactly. If you make an arrangement to do something like go away for a weekend, then you are doing that. That date, is taken for that purpose. You cannot then decide to go away somewhere instead, which is 'better' than the original plan!

I had a similar thing happen to me a few years ago. I had arranged to go camping ( funnily enough! ) with a friend, who cancelled on me the week before, as she'd found a cheap holiday in Crete for the week. As she had booked the week off work long in advance, she decided to do something better ( and I quote!) with her week off. I was SO upset, so hurt. I had seen it as a good time to spend together having a cheap holiday, a bit of a laugh etc...

So I really understand how you must be feeling. I hate it that people often won't commit to things with me, leave things slightly open ( always I think in case something better comes along) . I think I deserve commitment to plans as much as anyone else!!

Sorry this happened to you, but it does sound, I'm afraid, that she's not really much of a friend any longer as so many other things seem to be a priority. SO sorry to say that, and I don't of course, mean to upset you. Just, perhaps you ought to let it all go. SO sad. Sorry

BananaSkin Tue 22-Jul-08 21:40:07

I think you are very different people and are probably in very different places in your lives.

I imagine she is rushing around if she has 4 children, but I find it weird that she won't pencil in a week-end if she wants your relationship to continue. Then again, I like to plan ahead and I know it drives some people I know mad.

I think I would try to arrange trips to a mutually convenient place next time. Somewhere that you want to go anyhow, so that if she drops out, you won't be disappointed.

susia Tue 22-Jul-08 21:47:56

thankyou, I do think her life is very different to mine with 4 children but I do also feel quite annoyed about it.

susia Tue 22-Jul-08 22:19:39

I think with four children you probably are constantly rushing around but I still think an arrangement should try to be kept if possible. She sounded really annoyed with me when I said I had the answering machine message which referred to the July weekend and which I since realised wasn't clear so I obviously got it wrong.

kittywise Tue 22-Jul-08 22:25:58

An arrangement is an arrangement. I have 6 young children and would never dream of doing that. Don't make excuses for her, having a number of children is no excuse for terrible behaviourshock

susia Tue 22-Jul-08 22:32:53

I don't know how you cope with 6 young children! god you must be amazing!

HonoriaGlossop Tue 22-Jul-08 22:33:17

yes she is just being rude and giving your arrangements absolutely no priority.

Sounds like it's more work than pleasure keeping this friendship going?

susia Tue 22-Jul-08 22:36:56

I don't want to give up on the friendship, we don't see each other often and it would seem like a shame over something like this. But I am still really annoyed by this - think she thinks I am annoyed because of the confusion over the dates but it is the lack of priority to our own arrangements that annoy me.

madamez Tue 22-Jul-08 22:46:38

TBH I think she doesn't see your friendship as a priority any longer, and perhaps you should start to see it the same way. you can't make a person be your friend or stay your friend if they are not interested, you only end up getting your feelings hurt.
DOn't do anything daft like confronting her and sacking her as a friend, just stay civil but don't depend on her for anything: then if you do get together it's a bonus.

susia Tue 22-Jul-08 23:20:28

the thing is she never did committ to the date in August - we just pencilled it in. But that is what I can't understand - why didn't commit to a definate date

Quattrocento Tue 22-Jul-08 23:24:28

I cannot deal with people without diaries. It's impossible. I have a diary. I HAVE to have a diary. It's not that I like having a diary, but I have to keep one to avoid PISSING OTHER PEOPLE OFF.

Oh and Yanbu btw

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