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(33 Posts)
slowlygoingcrazy Tue 22-Jul-08 18:16:42

so sister who is ten years younger getting married in Sept, her hen night this sat.

She's going into the nearest City, visting a spa, having a posh expensive meal and then onto some swanky bars before getting taxi home, she plans about 5 am.

So, all these girls who are going are ten years younger than me, single, no kids whereas I am married 3 little kids, shattered, have very little spare cash etc etc.

I have said to sister I'll go to the spa in the afternoon, go for the meal and stay for a drink after but then I'm going home as I don't want to be out all night and have to pay to get into some swanky club, taxi 25 miles home, drinks all night. I never stay til out the small hours unless with DH, we just don't do it.

Plus all the expense that is going with the wedding. My hair, makeup, nails, dress, shoes, 3 kids clothes, hair cuts, wedding present, special present for sis, have 2 DC's birthdays this month. I really can't afford it.

I did say this to her in the beginning and said if it was far away or too expensive I wouldn't be staying all night but she went ahead and booked anyway without asking me anything.

Anyway, she is very angry with me now for not going, and I do feel bad. AIBU?

ButterflyBessie Tue 22-Jul-08 18:18:31

No I personally don't think you are being unreasonable, you gave her plenty of warning and reasons.

I hope you can sort this out with her

princessofpower Tue 22-Jul-08 18:19:24

Message withdrawn

tigermoth Tue 22-Jul-08 18:20:03

She has got carried away by the sound of it. You are not being unreasonable.

unfitmother Tue 22-Jul-08 18:21:33

YANBU, you're compromising.

stitch Tue 22-Jul-08 18:21:44

depends entirely on your relationship with your sister, your reltationship withyour parents, all of youas a family.
on the face of it, it sounds as if she is being unreasnable. however, i know that if is was my family, and my sisters, and i reacted the way you are, then i would be the one in the wrong. my sister would be completely gutted if i couldnt make it to all parts of her wedding. three kids or ten. i would move heaven and earth to be with her. but, that is simply our situation. iyswim
no one can advise you on this, as no one is in your exact situation. how youare together. how strongly you feel for each other. how much you do for each other. etc etc.

Backgammon Tue 22-Jul-08 18:23:16

<shudder> at the thought of being out til 5AM.


iMum Tue 22-Jul-08 18:24:31

As a mum I can say "money, kids, late night, etc" and agree with you wholeheartedly. As your sister I can also understand why she may feel tha you should make the effort-neither of you are wrong just at very different stages in you lives.

I would probbly go along with it, perhaps organise to stay overnight with your sister? and have dh look after the kids? it is only one night and if you can afford it then it would probably mean alot to your sister.

That said, if she cant understand where you are coming from then shes not worth the bothering tbh!

slowlygoingcrazy Tue 22-Jul-08 18:24:32

thanks everyone. She has really shown me a different side to her. I always have to bite my tongue where she is concerned because if I say anything even slightly opinionated then she will go off on one, eg, if I ask her to have the kids (twice in 2 years I have asked her to have ONE of them), she says yes and then says she's ill at the last minute, and all I ever say is that it's okay.

But now she's shown that if I actually stand my ground then she can be SOOOO nasty!

She has always looked down on me and expected me to say 'how high' when she says 'jump'. really need to be more assertive....

ruty Tue 22-Jul-08 18:26:00

YADefinitelyNBU. People without children just don't get it.

Love2bake Tue 22-Jul-08 18:26:26


You are going to most of it.

I would do exactly the same as you. Don't feel guilty, she will realise she is being unreasonable.

squeaver Tue 22-Jul-08 18:27:06

Of course, YANBU. I bet if you'd not told her and just sloped off after the meal she wouldn't even have noticed. At least you've told her in advance.

stitch Tue 22-Jul-08 18:28:07

in that case, she is bu.
stand your ground, be firm. dont go into debt.

in my situation, dsis has always moved heaven an d earth for my kids. so completely different situation.

slowlygoingcrazy Tue 22-Jul-08 18:28:54

I have put myself out so much already for the wedding, which I must add I don't mind. I have sorted the kids outfits with her, taken her to numerous dress fittings, booked the spa, organised 'things' for while we eat the meal, paid for her to have her hair and make up done, took her for hair trials, it goes on and on. But this is something I feel strongly about.

Personally I wouldn't have booked somewhere my sister couldn't go. When I had my hen night she was the only one coming from her area, so I booked it where she could easily get to and I knew she was inbetween jobs so I sure it was a very cheap night. When I was booking the spa, she then changed the day to a date I had told her DH was working and couldn't have the kids - she said she was going anyway! Even though I'd put in all the hard work to book it. In the end I got someone to have them but I was hurt by it...once again I didn't say anything!

HonoriaGlossop Tue 22-Jul-08 18:32:51

blimey, you're going to most of it anyway!

She is being over-controlling really, to care what you go to or don't, and as a sister she should actually be CARING about your happiness, eg if you don't want to go clubbing and can't afford the outlay, that should be fine with her!

Definitely stand your ground. She is being bizarre.

FAQ Tue 22-Jul-08 18:34:26


However I must say that being a mum of 3 is no hinderance to staying out until 5am in the morning grin blush

slowlygoingcrazy Tue 22-Jul-08 18:39:59

thanks everyone, I feel better now I have some 'mums' views! She reckons our cousin whose baby is due the day before the hen night will be staying out if she has had her baby by then hmm I told her she might change her mind slightly once the baby is born!

FAQ - I would have no objection to doing it if with DH or somewhere near to home that didn't cost so much money! I may fall asleep whilst out though and be ratty for the next two weeks, lol

HonoriaGlossop Tue 22-Jul-08 18:42:06

FAQ I have to admire your stamina, 5am - no way for me...

stitch Tue 22-Jul-08 18:42:22

slowly, having three kids is no hindrance at all. it just needs to be arranged and will cost ££££s
but she is being a bridezilla.
no woman in her right mind is likely to leave a newborn to go out clubbing till five am. and if she says she will, then it is just to pacify the bridezilla

slowlygoingcrazy Tue 22-Jul-08 18:43:49

bridezilla...that has really made me laugh, thanks!

ruty Tue 22-Jul-08 18:44:59

she thinks someone who has had her baby the night before will be going on a hen night...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

nametaken Tue 22-Jul-08 18:46:20

YANBU - if she starts on you about not going to the bars till 5am just do what I do and point out all the things you have done and ask her not to get silly about the one thing you havn't done.

slowlygoingcrazy Tue 22-Jul-08 18:49:10

I know ruty, I had to stifle a laugh, well more a disbeliving gasp when she said that! The poor woman is probably hoping her baby stays in til after the hen night so she has a good excuse!

I went on a hen night 6 weeks after having my child and I was home by 11! I only went cos it was my bestest mate and my DM took me, stayed with me and took me home!

MrsTiddles Tue 22-Jul-08 18:50:28

yanbu at all. she'll just have to get over it.

nametaken Tue 22-Jul-08 18:50:37

I love that expression too grin


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