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to cancel a visit to my mums... I don't think I am. Please kick some sense into me!

(13 Posts)
youcannotbeserious Tue 22-Jul-08 16:11:26

.. I live several hundred miles from my parents to live close to DH's children.

My DH works away all week so I am on my own - DH's children largely only visit at weekends when he's home.

My mum thinks I should go and stay with her for August, and I've tentatively agreed, but I've just been invited to join a post natal group that I'd really love to go to because I need to make some friends in this area.

anyawy, my mum is really not happy that I won't be coming up, but I think it's important for me and DS for me to make friends here.

My mum emmigrated when my sister and I were really young and all she ever did was 'go home' so I didn't have many friends growing up, as we were never there - we were always going back to my mum's home. I don't want that for my son....

It's going to cause problems with my mum, but I reckon, I'm 36, doing fine on my own and it's time to put DS first...

That's not unreasonable, is it??? SO, form an orderly queue and give me a good kick up the jacksy!!!
thankyou!!

Tippytoes Tue 22-Jul-08 16:14:27

Not unreasonable. Where does your Mum live? Could you not go for a shorter visit?

mistypeaks Tue 22-Jul-08 16:16:44

You need to explain to her that you understand her offer was made in your best interests so that you're not lonely, struggling etc. However, this opportunity to make some new long lasting friends has come up that in the long term will ensure that this doesn't happen. If you stay with your mum then August is sorted - but the rest of the year? If you stay and make some good solid friends and can go stay with your mum some other time safe in the knowledge you have friends to come back to (and possibly someone to water your plants/cat etc whilst you're away).
She should understand this - if not let her have a strop and stew for a while wink

youcannotbeserious Tue 22-Jul-08 16:20:50

Yes, she should understand it - she is very catholic and I've used the 'teach a man to fish' story on her, but to no avail.

This is going to sound sad to say, but I don't think she wants me to make friends, because then she's less 'needed' IYSWIM.

THis happened when we were kids - she never taught us to cook or stuff like that, because that was 'her job' and she didn't want to lose it.

I still can't cook.... shock

mistypeaks Tue 22-Jul-08 16:35:05

Well even more reason then to stand on your own two feet, stay at home and make the friends (one of them may even teach you to cook one dady smile).
All the above meant in a nice way.

sparklesandnowinefor14weeks Tue 22-Jul-08 16:52:26

It sounds like your mum 'needs' you more than you need her iykwim - my mum can be the same she 'needs to be needed' but i don't provide that with her (my older brother and sister do though wink) she didn't like it but has come to inderstand the way I am

I, like you and many others, am my own person, have my own family and interests to look after and they come first to me. I'm happy and comfortable with that and don't 'need' approval from my mum, whereas my bro and sis do and go to mum for alot of emotional (and financial!) support. Once i 'cut the apron strings' i never looked back i have stood my ground and still have a very strong relationship with my mum

Stay and make friends, and DON'T feel guilty about it! wink

MamaG Tue 22-Jul-08 16:54:07

yanbu

Blu Tue 22-Jul-08 17:06:20

Go for a short visit, invite her to you for a short visit, make an atempt to visit her at other times...but YANBU to not want to spend a whole month with her, putting your life on hold.

sparklesandnowinefor14weeks Tue 22-Jul-08 17:49:03

Could your mum visit you instead?

youcannotbeserious Wed 23-Jul-08 18:32:31

No, it's not really practical for her to visit me.

my dad doesn't like her being away and I don't really have space for both of them to come.

Plus, she misses being in her own home....

MsHighwater Wed 23-Jul-08 18:37:53

YANBU. Stay and make friends. If your mum has your best interests at heart (however mixed up with her own needs), she will come to understand. In the long term you need to make friends and if going away would cause you to miss out on a very good opportunity to do so, you should stay.

Just how far away are your parents anyway?

MrsTiddles Wed 23-Jul-08 18:41:59

yanbu

ivykaty44 Wed 23-Jul-08 18:42:29

my dad doesn't like her being away and I don't really have space for both of them to come.

Plus, she misses being in her own home....

Then use the same excuses - turn the tables your dp doesn't want to come home at the weekends and be on his own after working away all week he will miss you and his son.

Tell her this is your new home and you will miss home if you are away all summer and you have friends to make a home to make and cant keep being at her place as your place will fall apart if your not their wink

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