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to get so cross with my mum for not appreciating what she does have.

(6 Posts)
Steaknife Mon 21-Jul-08 17:35:16

Love her to bits but she can drive me to distraction, but I am worried about how our relationship will develop when my first DD is born in August.

Mum is already gran to two neices but has a tricky relationship with DB and his wife.
SIL is much closer with her family, geographically and emotionally than our family is.
Mum is involved in their life but always seems to think that SILs family is getting a better deal and she is being left out.

What I find difficult is that she moans to me about it. I can see that DB can be a bit tactless, but mum always seems to focus on what she doesn't have rather than what she does.
She also compares her relationships to those of her friends and their DCs and DGCs and always finds fault.

Now she is doing this with me.
We live overseas. DH's family are coming to visit for 4 weeks across my due date. They organised this with DH and it isn't what I would have chosen. If I could I would choose to have a couple of weeks getting used to the new baby and then have visitors, but truth be told it will be handy to have other people around as DH is working non-stop in our business.
DH has also promised to mediate between me and PIL, who are lovely but can be very enthuthiastic, so that they don't overwhelm.

At first I said mum could come two weeks after my due date but have now changed it to the week later - it is better for us.
When I told her she went into her "I wanted to be there for the birth" and "it would be nice to be wanted" routine with a quick chorus of "my friends families"

It wouldn't matter where I had this baby I would never want my mum there for the birth, it is something for me and DH, of course can't say that as just upsets her more.

So now she feels that DH's family are being a favourite and she is left out. I tried to point out that my dad isn't coming out till Ocotber and the poor fellow always seems to be second after her, but never complains.

GAH parents eh?

The upshot is that I find it very hard to keep my cool with her when she starts bemoaning her life and being a bit of a martyr. I know these are her problems but it does make me so cross.

girliefriend Mon 21-Jul-08 20:14:14

Hello! Yes parents are annoying and it seems that your mum has got a bit of a chip on her shoulder about something, not really sure what advice to give maybe just trying to repeat back to he what you are hearing ie when she is maoning saying to your mum something like it 'sounds like you are really struggling with ...............' or telling your mum calmly how she is making you feel ie 'when you say something like that I feel quite frustrated, upset, confused, cross etc' The chances are your mum hasn't got a lot of insight into a) her behaviour and its impact on other people and b) why other people feel distanced from her, repeating what she is saying back to her gives her the opportunity to hear what you are hearing and also by telling her how she makes you feel will give her some understanding of why you are getting frustrated. XxX

goldryder Mon 21-Jul-08 20:35:28

are you not very close to your mum? if so i understand your point about not wanting her there for the birth and having your inlaws there first. if not then have to say i feel a bit sorry for your mum myself. my mum was there at all 3 of my births and while we have our ups and downs and she gets right on my wick sometimes i would not have had it any other way.

TwoFir Tue 22-Jul-08 14:21:21

Is there any way you can rearrange the inlaws? Everyone desrves a babymoon! If I could go back in time I would ban visitors for a month before and a month after our first was born. But mine were visitors not helpers and I get stressed so depends how you handle things.

My mother was a bit like this, she managed to convey most of what you describe with a worried frown We named our daughter after both grandmothers, thus earning major cudos and smugness We had the middle name of one as the first and the first name of the other as the middle. The middle name came up on our baby names anyway so that was very convenient.

On a more serious note my mum died a year later and I was so pleased I had used her name. Using her name didnt stop her worrying about being top granny or not tho. Some people just do, and I dont advise really that you pander to it. Just try to be fair when pissible and tell her she is top granny even if she isnt!

TwoFir Tue 22-Jul-08 14:22:10

O and no way would I have had my mother in the same county for the birth, the waves of stress would have radiated to me and slowed my labour down by hours!

Steaknife Tue 22-Jul-08 15:16:20

goldryder - yes I am close with my mum, we share lots of common interests and values but it doesn't mean it is always easy to get on with each other.

I think part of it is that she has an idealised version of how she would like her relationships to be, but this doesn't match with the reality.

TwoFir - no chance of re-arranging the in-laws, flights already booked blah blah blah. Also inlaws will hire a car over here whereas mum wont, so handy for any emergency that DH can't help with. Frankly there are only so many battles to fight, so I let the inlaw thing go after explaining to DH that it wasnt really my ideal.

I've been lobbying hard for a family name from my mum's side, but made the mistake of suggesting a name DH has fallen in love with so might manage a middle name.

At worst I can just play the hormonal pregnancy / post-pregnancy card to justify any almighty strop I have with my mum.

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