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To be creeped out and upset by this?

(113 Posts)
Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 18:33:49

Sorry, it's about porn again. Yawn, yawn, yawn I know.

But I could really with some perspective here.

Porn doesn't generally bother me, I have no problem with it and have used occaisionally. I know some folk don't and have strong views otherwise. Just acknowledging that and asking not to have a go at me, please!

Anyway have watched it sometimes with my partner, I enjoyed it.

But last night he was up for a while looking at stuff, don't know what - I feel straight to sleep. So I teased him about it this morning and told me the titles of some stuff.
Well it was things about women being 'forced' to do stuff and 'taken advantage of'. Now to me - sorry to be blunt - that is basically euphemism for rape/assault. I feel angry and upset with him, because he knows this happened to mee and how it made me feel.

What's worse is he doesn't get why it has upset me. he says he wouldn't do it, I know he wouldn't, that's not the point.

I feel hurt and if I'm being honest quite angry.

AIBU? You may think yes but please be gentle.

SaintDeliasprotegee Sun 20-Jul-08 18:37:18

I think he has been hugely insensitive.
Why would he want to watch that and why would he tell you? Very strange IMO.

star6 Sun 20-Jul-08 18:42:04

That is incredibly insenstive!! And IMO just wrong that someone would record something so horrible...
having had similar experience (as a teenager) I just find that absolutely unacceptable.

spicemonster Sun 20-Jul-08 18:45:02

No YANBU. I've been raped and I would be very distressed if I'd found my partner had been watching porn like that.

Do you know why he told you? Would you rather not have known?

I don't know what to suggest, sorry but just wanted to say that I think you're perfectly within your rights to be upset

Janni Sun 20-Jul-08 18:45:32

YANBU and you really need to make him understand how upsetting this is for you. If you don't, he will turn to harder and harder stuff.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 18:45:39

Thanks for replying SaintDelia (like your name btw ) He says he didn't watch it just saw some of the titles.

As I said, I don't mind porn per se. Honestly not.

But that is just wrong, isn't it? It's the idea of men 'forcing' women that is bothering me so much.

I have found it disturbing TBH.

TinkerBellesMum Sun 20-Jul-08 18:46:12

I think he was wrong to watch it knowing your feelings and to not understand why you are upset about it.

On why is it recorded, some women actually like the feeling of being helpless. Usually though the woman (or man as it's done the other way around too) has the power in it all because they can call it off any time. There is a big market for D/s.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 18:47:37

Says he found it while looking for other stuff and didn't actually watch that.

I think so Janni.

I don't get it, he is such a lovely person and was so kind and supportive when I told him about what happened.


Hecate Sun 20-Jul-08 18:48:52

No. I don't think you are being unreasonable under the circumstances.

He is right that there is a big difference between fantasy and reality, but considering your history, I am amazed that he cannot see why this has upset you. - You cannot believe that the man you love could be turned on by the fantasy of forcing a woman. If I remember correctly though, in this sort of stuff, the woman starts by saying no but in the end is turned on and becomes a willing partner. (unless you mean the TRULY VILE STUFF! angry).

It is a fantasy of domination and control and being such a hot lover that you can turn a no into a yes, not actual forcing, iyswim. I don't suppose that makes it even one bit less horrible, but it is an important difference.

rookiemater Sun 20-Jul-08 18:49:30

I think this is a difficult one.

Your DP knows that you sometimes use porn yourself, therefore could be viewed as being in favour of it. You teased him about what he was watching, so he told you. As sexual fantasies go, I don't think its that abnormal or unacceptable, stressing of course the fact that it is a sexual fantasy.

Yes it must be hurtful that he doesn't connect it with what happened to you, but in a way it is very different. Presumably what he was watching involved consensual adults acting the part, rather than the horrible reality.

I can understand why you are upset but tbh, you have validated him watching porn by doing it yourself and by teasing him about it, so its a hard moral line to draw once you are at that stage.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 18:54:38

Yes rookiemater I see what you are saying and that does make sense. I do get the dom/sub fantasy thing too.

I am more upset by the idea of it I think. It's the word 'forced' and the 'tone' that has distressed me rather than the actual content IYSWIM. I didn't watch so don't know what was in it.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 19:02:56

Just want to add that no I don't think it is the really vile stuff. I know the name of the site so don't know whether I should look for reassurance or whether it will make me feel worse.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 20:22:06

I just has a look at the site and so wished I hadn't. I thought maybe it wasn't so and I was overreacting but I actually felt physically sick.

I can't believe this...sorry....

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 20:23:16

Would somebody be able to talk to me please? I'm actually shaking.

Hecate Sun 20-Jul-08 20:24:01

I'm here Janos. What happened?

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 20:26:42

I couldn't believe what was on there, it actually made me cry. I thought it was just standard stuff with unpleasant titles maybe and I was overreacting but it isn't.

What happened to me was on there...I just feel sick, really sick.

He isn't here right now and I'm glad. I just want to scream at him.

MrsTittleMouse Sun 20-Jul-08 20:27:45

Are you OK Janos?

MrsTittleMouse Sun 20-Jul-08 20:28:19

Oh God, how awful.

umberella Sun 20-Jul-08 20:29:04

Hope you are ok. You need to talk to him about this sad

Hecate Sun 20-Jul-08 20:29:12

Ok. Deep breath. He said that he did not look at this site - it just popped up, right?

So check the history. Check the cookies. That will tell you if he is telling the truth. Each page visited will show up.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 20:29:57

It's not anything illegal........but it's just horrible.

I really don't want to describe it.

I always thought it was a bit daft when people typed this but..I'm trying not cry. I feel horribly panicky and very distressed.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 20:32:00

No, he did look at it. He told me so. He looked a couple of things on it.

MrsTittleMouse Sun 20-Jul-08 20:33:30

Hecate is right - sometimes things like this pop up when you aren't looking for them - it's happened to me (trying to read the independent newspaper). You can find out whether it was a genuine mistake by checking the history.

No wonder you are so shaken up by all this.

MrsTittleMouse Sun 20-Jul-08 20:34:33

In that case I think that you will have to talk to him about it. Because it will be impossible to have any kind of relationship with him until you have sorted this out.

Janos Sun 20-Jul-08 20:34:46

I deleted the history on the computer. Because I don't want my wee boy seeing anything. He's too little to go on anyway but just in case.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

I just honestly did not realise stuff like this was out there. Very very naive obviously

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