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To expect SOMETHING from DHs and my family?

(16 Posts)
MoaningMinnieMe Sun 20-Jul-08 14:10:47

Name changed incase anyone (family etc.) knows my normal name but I doubt it'll be too hard to work out anyway as I am on a moaning rampage today.

Feel free to ignore but some virtual pats or hugs would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice right now.

Am 2 weeks away from giving birth (well, due date anyway) and it's really evident now no one really gives a sh*t - I don't expect to be made a fuss of etc. (well, I do but I don't feel like this because I am not being treated like a princess) it's the fact literally only my mum gives a toss, and that's in her own passive aggressive reverse psychology (however you would describe my mum - I have no idea) way, but at least it's something. My parents divorced about 4 years ago, I have never been close to either but esp. not my dad as he worked abroad alot but my sister has nothing to do with him so what we do have is pretty big I guess. When they divorced he made me write out all the horrible things mum did, not to get custody of me but to get more money from the house. I just didn't think like that at the time though, because he's my dad. He can't/won't come to anything because my mum is there and he has a massive problem with her which is fair enough because he never shows an intrest in coming anyway (Birthdays, Christenings, my wedding...) In nearly 3 years now though he has seen my DS twice or three times, and none of those he actively asked/wanted to see him or me. He lives about 10 miles away, fully active etc. etc. so there isn't a reason I can think of. The only contact I have with him now is seeing him online, but he doesn't IM anymore - I leave my PC on all the time so he is able to. I have tried to contact him but it's so hard to talk to him I hahve just given up now. He won't give me his address then feels sorry for himself when he gets no cards or presents, but I keep buying things and he says "oh, don't worry about it". So this year he totally ignored my birthday. But he knows I am nearly due and hasn't asked once how I am, if I need any help (which I desperatly do) or anything - I see him online hour after hour and he just doesn't bother. AIBU to expect a 20 second email/IM??

Then there is DHs mum... have only seen her 2/3 times since being pregnant (because DH doesn't like going there anymore) but she never asks how I am, or more to the point how the baby is. When DH goes out of the room she just walks off. There is history there, but we (used to anyway) get along fine - civil chit chat at least anyway. She doesn't drive but is very 'active' with public transport, travelling to the coast, London etc. no problems but has never been here. We have said "oh, just knock on the door" etc. but she doesn't hasn't bothered. That's fair enough, but piled on top of not bothering to come to DSs 1st or 2nd birthday (depsite travelling to IoW for her other sons partners childs birthday, and having his last one at her house etc.) (she was offered lifts etc. also) and never bothereing to see how her soon to be grandchild is is really getting to me. She rung yesterday morning because DH offered her a new bed we don't have room for and as soon as I answered she just asked for DH... AIBU for thinking in my head "I f*cking beg your pardon, I am 2 weeks away from giving birth and you can't even say hello!!??!". I just feel so alone, DH isn't a supportive person really (not in a mean way, just he can't be my sole source of everything) and sorry for myself ATM I guess. I hear about other people having babies (for example) and having visitors at the hospital, flowers, balloons, cards but for me it's just going to be in, out asap then nothing. Obviously my mum will visit, but I am dreading her being in a bad mood or stressed out because she gets so nasty, but it's all I have got. Sorry for moaning and whinging on, just needed to get it off my chest.

hunkermunker Sun 20-Jul-08 14:13:00

Can you IM your dad?

MoaningMinnieMe Sun 20-Jul-08 14:15:20

Right now? He is online so yes, but it's feels very awkward - like he would think I am after something, you know when someones ignored you for ages that "first move" type of thing... Dreading him asking something like "what do you want".

KatieDD Sun 20-Jul-08 14:17:33

Oh hun, if it's any consolation I knnow exactly how you feel and it puts me off having another because I know nobody except me would care at all about it or see it as an event.
The only thing I can suggest is that you make damn sure you don't repeat any of this with your own children and be there for them, that's what i'm trying to do, not easy because you do tend to parent as you've been parented but keep posting lots of people will wish you well on here and be very pleased to see your LO's photo's etc.

combustiblelemon Sun 20-Jul-08 14:20:42

<<virtual foot spa>>

<<virtual large mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows>>

<<virtual cushion plumping>>

merryandmad Sun 20-Jul-08 14:22:48

sent for you mme.
My MIL put the phone down on me yesterday half way through conversation (as if i am not worth talking to for any longer. Incidently i was ringing up to thank her for my birthday cards (my birthday is 22 August!!)
Good luck with new baby, who is having your ds when you gave your new baby?

Roca Sun 20-Jul-08 14:23:53

hugs to you - you are doing an amazing job -it really hurts when all we want is a hug or to be felt to be appreciated once in a while and can feel lonely even if we have people around.

I find that relationships with friends and family seem to get even more comlicated as time goes on - I thought since leaving school it all got much easier! Seems that we have more to feel let down by etc.

You have to think how exciting it is that you have a new baby on the way (I am currently 23wks pg with no3 and dying to be 2 weeks away) and I think have in your head that you may have to be the strong one alone then you won't feel too let down.

I hope you have a couple of good friends you can rely on?

More hugs

MoaningMinnieMe Sun 20-Jul-08 14:24:37

Katie - I can't imagine being like this with DS, when/if he has grandkids I swear they will have to prise me away with a crowbar! Thanks combust., I'll get the real footspa out when DS goes to bed

MoaningMinnieMe Sun 20-Jul-08 14:32:48

My mum is having DS, praying she is in a good mood when I do go in otherwise it'll be super stressful. She says one minute it's totally fine and she has looked after him one night before about a year ago and a few times for a few hours, but then she says "I am under so much stress, I have so much work to do". She says she will leave work (she can unless she has an important meeting but she told me she hasn't got any more for a few weeks now) then says "well, I have to work" implying it's very inconvenient (when she's in a bad mood). That probably makes no sense, my mum is a very funny person! Basically, my mum is unless she is in a mood in which case DH will have to stay behind. I am just banking on my mum being normal.

merryandmad Sun 20-Jul-08 14:37:49

Well hoping for a 'normal' mum for you and sending (((virtual flowers))) & (((virtual balloons)))) to the hospital ready for when you get there.

smoggie Sun 20-Jul-08 14:37:52

Roca I too was just about to ask if MMM had any friends nearby. I really do feel for you
Families can be the biggest PITA at times.
I think you should chat to dh about it though, and he may realise and make an extra special effort to pamper you in the coming weeks. I know, he shouldn't need telling, but sometimes they just don't see it and need it to be pointed out in words of one syllable.
Is this your first baby? If so, I owuld say try to make sure you get out and meet mums at babygroups etc. It can be a little isolating and scary at first, and if you don't have the family backup, you will need a good network of mums in a similar position with whom you can chat and offload/seek advice from. Baby massage classes/walking clubs for mums and puschairs/feeding support groups etc. they are all great for meeting sometimes lifelong friends who you can really rely on.

hunkermunker Sun 20-Jul-08 14:43:01

Maybe your dad's waiting for you to make the first move on IM - for his own reasons which wouldn't make sense to you because they're to do with his own hang-ups, etc.

Can you message him to ask some family history related thing or something, so that you have a "reason" to be contacting him and take it from there?

eggandketchup Sun 20-Jul-08 14:46:56


agree with smoggie about going to babygroups. it has saved my sanity as have no family support.

Thinking of you and sending you loads of possitive thoughts.grin

Hannah81 Sun 20-Jul-08 14:55:59

I got preg when I was 23 and me and my DH had been with each other 8yrs - His father then said I had trapped him by getting pregnant (because DH obviously had nothing to do with me getting pregnant! lol) When my DS1 was born he didn't want to be called grandfather, grampy etc... he wanted to be called by his first name - fine, annoying but ok.

He was invited to his christening, family photos etc... no show - we got married last year, no cards didn't come nothing. He knew I was pregnant again, we see his mum regularly (My DH's Grandma) and when I had my DS2 10wks ago, nothing not even a card or a phonecall. I am really annoyed. My DS1 doensn't know him and he only lives a few streets away - That's it now as far as i am concerned, if my DH wants to go and se him then thats up to him but i will not allow my so called FIL to confuse my DC's so they won't know him.

What a loser - his loss not ours.

It must be annoying for you - seems like you are always holding out an olive branch - there's only so many times you can be knocked back before you really have had enough. If you really want him then try again, but if he doesn't want it then sadly there's not much u can do. Maybe he will change when the baby arrives.
Good luck

tootyflooty Sun 20-Jul-08 15:22:35

so sorry for you, if you can't expect a little tlc when you are pregnant when can you.keep your chin up , you have your own little family unit,maybe its a jealousy thing with your MIL, she can't bear her son loving someone more than her, my MIL still calls herself the head of the family, What !!! she's no the head of my family.(thank God she lives abroad now )

Why not write to your dad and say you miss him and want him around to enjoy your children, see it as afresh start. its sometimes easier to write these things down, it gives the person time to reread and reflect on your words.

Good luck

squilly Sun 20-Jul-08 15:32:08

You have my sympathy. My darling parents are on the less fussy/neglectful side of the caring scale too, so I know where you're coming from.

It sounds like you have a lovely family of your own. Enjoy the fact that you no longer have to rely on these people for your nurturing and care.

And put your feet up, have a nice hot drink and feel smug in the knowledge that you are not being even vaguely unreasonable and any reasonable person on here will be rooting for you. Take care of yourself and try not to worry about the ignorant parents..

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