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wanting more from my relationship with dh

(42 Posts)
cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:10:04

Have name changed!

I would like peoples opinions on this, I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable or too reasonable...so please help me balance things out...

Brief history...

Dh works 8 til 5 and then goes back to work (self employed) 8.30pm til 9pm Mon to fri. On a saturday he goes into work at 7am to 8.30am, comes back for a couple of hours then stays at work till 4, during the day he actually works a total of 3 hours, the rest is his time doing some reading whatever...apparently his 'me time'. I have finally after 2 years of asking got him to take the sunday off as someone else (without a child) can do the few hours work.

We take it in turns to go out on a saturday night. It is my choice not to go out drinking, I'm not into that, I just go and meet friends at the nearest city for a nice meal, back for 11 at very latest and sober. I'm up the next morning (not much choice, dh does not seem to think I need a lay in) when dc is up. We spend sunday together as a family doing things.

Dh also sees his nights out as more important as mine...

Exhibit a) recently warned him (twice 2 months and a month beforehand) that I needed to go out on one of his saturdays. He forgot, I reminded him, he cancelled it, then said he would have 3 wkends out in a row to make up for it. I put him straight on this.

Exhibit b)when we come back from holiday, even if it is due to be my night out on the saturday we come back...he will take it 'can't expect me to miss a night out??'

Exhibit c) he insists he goes out saturday before xmas/nye and xmas eve/nye itself AND boxing day from 2pm till 4am...

My dh goes out on a saturday night at about 8pm returning at about 4.30am (I generally always wake up and usually have a restless night as he is out of the house and I don't know when he is going to come in) and getting up at 11am. This morning my dd was up at 5.45am...he never says much, but he likes me to keep dd quiet till 11am...she is 2.4yrs...I am going to go out but apart from walking there is nothing much open till 9.30 at the earliest. The day is then wasted to me it is another weekday, but less fun, there is no family time out and there would not be if I did the same as dh. We don't go out in the aft as our dd still has 3 hours sleep on an afternoon...

Sorry its so long...if your still with me...

Finances
Dh has a bank acct I have NO access too with all the savings in...about 20k at least, I don't know the exact figure, he does not like me to look. I think he has long term issues about money due to previous gf's (have pointed out I am not a replica of them!). After a long hard battle I finally got him to agree to allow me to become a joint acct holder, not set up appt yet but will do so. He also gets 'cash in hand'. This money he uses for his nights out and his clothes and most of his weeks food (has odd diet). I get £1200 a month for all household bills, food, mine and dd's clothes, entrance into softplay once a week, playgroups we go to, birthday and xmas presents (for his mum and dad as well) white goods, car maintenance (do not pay for diesel or have a mortgage) and any nights out. Maybe I'm too extravagent but I just manage on this budget. Please tell me if I am

So I suppose what this ramble is about...I'm feeling really peed off about his saturday nights out. I feel I'm left as the only responsible adult in the house from saturday night till sunday afternoon. I want a BREAK on a sunday...he has a break every day of the week for gods sake!! But when I raise this he says that if I can do his job (heavy manual work) that we'll swop...and often says he finds looking after dd easy. Most he has done it for is 4 hours. I'm not sure about finances, I resent the fact I have to save up for everything whereas he dives into a cash pile and just gets what he wants, not that he does buy much, maybe once a year he will get new clothes, but they are all good quality...

I think I'm also tired of reminding him to give me a hug even sad he never hugs me unless I remind him...and even then he won't do it. He feels uncomfortable hugging. He will 'hug' in bed...but we all know where that leads...or rather in this case it does not lead to sex cause I just turn into an frozen oven ready chicken and tell him no...I hate to be hugged just so he can get his leg over.

I've tried talking too him...I've seen a therapist for years who told me things to say that is not going to put his back up...does not have much impact...

This should be in relationships...but still feel I'm being unreasonable...

bossybritches Sun 20-Jul-08 09:16:41

FFS - you are SO NBU!!!!!

Do you ever get a babysitter & go out together??

You sound like flatmates not partners!!!

I think you need to sit him down & have a chat about equalising things.

posieflump Sun 20-Jul-08 09:21:03

my thoughts exactly bossybritches.
what does he do until 4am? does he go clubbing?

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:21:57

Thanks bossybritches

Did I mention I do all the housework and household bills too?

He is great with dd but I really had to stick to my guns at one stage...dd just wanted to play with me (I'm more fun) and I had to tell him to push himself forward so I wasn't actually doing the same on a evening as I do all day...

Also when dd goes to bed...and before he goes out to work again...he does his maths...he wants to do an A level...but he does it 5 nights a week...we have two nights together to watch a film/chill out...which he also kept forgetting at first so I had to keep reminding him about...in fact better remind him about tonight...and if it isn't something he's interested in...well he lays back, shuts his eyes...and does maths in his head angry <head banging against wall noise.....>

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:22:40

Thanks Posie...yes he goes clubbing (40 soon...)

posieflump Sun 20-Jul-08 09:28:37

the whole relationship sounds very regimented - alternate Saturdays out, he always goes out xmas eve and nYE's, has to be 2 nights a week watching a dvd etc etc

can't you both just go with the flow

on one of your nights out just book a babysitter and go out togther. Maybe you should go clubbing with him to see what he's like when he goes?

newforold Sun 20-Jul-08 09:30:23

He sounds awfully controlling. You seem to fit around him and his needs whilst he has a fairly free run.
Why does he work such long hours? Is he working efficiently or does he faf around alot leaving him behind and needing to catch up?

What about the savings? Are they yours too? You need to get the joint account sorted asap.Why doesn't he want you to know the balance if the money is both of yours? That stands out to me as odd and a bit concerning.

Overall, he sounds like a man who thinks you owe him something. My partner had a very bad experience with his ex dsd's mother. When we got together 5 yrs ago his attitude to finances etc was awful. It's only the last year (and onl;y because i wrote down my monthly outgoings and his, showed them to him and then told him i was going) that he has started to equalise his contribution to the household, not just financially but emotionally as well.

I think you have a choice, you can either stay there and work very hard to improve things for all three of you, or you can end this relationship and make a fresh start with your child.

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:31:28

He is a very regimented person...he doesn't do 'going with the flow'. Suspect he has aspergers...so does he. He does not understand emotions...that is part of the problem...and why he does not do hugs...tried to give him a recipe...ie 'I would like 2 hugs a day, whenever, up to you...' as he does not like unexpected hugs...his arms even tho they come round me now are still very tense...not a hug you can relax into...I feel I'm inflicting him with a hug

bossybritches Sun 20-Jul-08 09:37:23

FWIW When DH & I married we BOTH kept our own bank accounts and opened a joint account. We BOTH pay into the joint one & use it for all the bills etc & DH puts nearly all his salary in every month. Obviously at various times my contribution was (&still is) minimal but it was/is "ours" & I have a bit of independance by having an overdraft account of my own !grin

Is your house in joint names too?

I agree about maybe he isn't very time efficient with his work- whaht does he do? I know being S/employed myself you do end up working all sorts of hours as you're the boss but he needs some family life too.

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:37:49

He's not a man to mess about at work.

The savings are going to be more for our childrens benefit, private education. I'm easy going on this point...wherever dd is happy...and he agrees though you can tell he wants the private education for her very much.

I think the money issue is very controlling...his parents were and are very bad with money...so were some of his exes...so he needs (in his mind) to keep finances under control. I am not totally under his control so I think there lays his concern.

He is controlling isn't he?...Ever since dd was born he has not really unbent...I often wonder if he expects dd to go into a relationship like ours when she grows up... I want her to get hugs all her life...

bossybritches Sun 20-Jul-08 09:39:32

God yes camera- best thing you can do for a child -lots of physical affection.

Does he cuddle her?

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:41:46

Our house is in joint names.

Can't say what it is, but its too do with livestock. He can vary the hours a bit...but to change his schedule you have to ask hours/days in advance and its got to be a good enough reason...but often I just don't bother to ask because it just feels like too much hassle...<shrugs shoulders...>

noonki Sun 20-Jul-08 09:43:23

does he treat you nicely in anyway?

would you like to work at (or do you)?

I would very strongly advice that you try and save a little bit of money each month in your own bank account, just in case money... v important for everyone to have

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:44:31

Whenever she wants a cuddle from him she gets one...he is very very affectionate and loving. Never shouts (sometimes it would not hurt!) very strong on disapline (not smacking, told him I would not tolerate that...but just sitting her next to him on sofa until she's calmed down...).

He's a very good dad. Just not a very good dh...dd gets affection...I don't.

For some reason hmm I was very depressed after dd was born...each time I asked for a hug he told me dd needed one more...and didn't give me a hug (for about 9 months at least....)

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:49:08

Treats me nicely........mmmmmmmmm...he has quit putting me down in one way now (said for a number of years he would never go out with anyone as intelligent or more intelligetn than him)...I stood up to him and told him I found it offensive and he did not know how intelligent I was. So that stopped. I now feel like an old nag/bad timekeeper (sometimes I am!) he speaks to me very impatiently at times...he may just be saying 'yes' but the tone of his voice can be impatient/sarcastic...makes me feel small...tried talking about that...but he has said that when I tell him things that are not relevant...but they are relevant to me...and if I don't have much to say...that's because my life has changed to a homefront one now...he does not seem to take in most of what I say...sometimes I think he is listening...when actually he is making the right noises while doing bloody maths in head...

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 09:49:45

And I don't want to work...rather do what I'm doing now but with less hours!

bossybritches Sun 20-Jul-08 09:50:36

Oh camera here have a few (((((( )))))))

I know what THAT's like - my DH was unaffectionate to me too, but I always hug him & touch him in passing now so he has learnt to relax a bit. I also have to remind him occasionally that more time invested in cuddles will in the long run result in more sex as I'll feel loved & repsond more positively. We went through a phase of him not touching me except to want sex & it drove me nuts as I just froze. He is not naturally demonstrative (his family aren't)so he needs reminding that I am!!

VictorianSqualor Sun 20-Jul-08 09:50:53

My POV.

He's taking the piss, why is every minute he is not at work his social life???
I think every weekend one of you going out is too much. Way too much when there is so little time together anyway, I'd cut it to one person going out the first weekend of the month, the other the third, and that's it.

TBH, the only person I know who lives a life this full of social events is my BiL, he turned 20 last week and lives at home with his parents.

DP's POV.
Why aren't bills coming out of his account? The best way to do it would be for bills to all come out of his account and then give you extra after if he is funny about the joint account.

Are you bad at handling money?

It seems more like a maintenance payment for him to keep his life being easy.

This isn't a partnership, it's an agreement, you should put it to him in terms of an ultimatum, he bucks things up or fucks off.
Did he want a family lifestyle? It seems he enjoyed being single and having the single life and has never changed from that.

Bumperlicious Sun 20-Jul-08 09:51:40

You sound like you are just co-existing. You need to spend more time together.

As for finances people do things differently but IMO if you both agree that your job is to stay at home and look after DD your finances should be joint, else if anything goes wrong you are screwed. You should decide together what that money is to be spent on. His is working to provide for his family, especially as his long working hours mean the brunt of childcare and looking after the house falls to you.

As for the lack of emotions maybe he needs to talk to someone who can help. He's not going to like it, but you need to tell him you are not happy with the way things are and he has to make an effort with you.

He needs to see the impact his working hours have on you and DD and the impact your relationship will have on DD.

YANBU, tough situation though. Has he always been like this? What did you use to enjoy before DD? He is very controlling, and needs to understand he can't always make the rules and a marriage is about compromise.

bossybritches Sun 20-Jul-08 09:55:11

"he may just be saying 'yes' but the tone of his voice can be impatient/sarcastic...makes me feel small..." God yes I identify with that!!!

I resorted to the " I feel very hurt when you talk to me like that" to which he'd roll his eyes & make out I was being "sensitive" so I bollocked him and told him just because HE didn't think it was important wasn't the issue. I did therefore I was entitled to be heard just as much as he was if he wanted to say anything.

Very empowering that little word I -and much less accusatory then "YOU don't listen/understand" grin

noonki Sun 20-Jul-08 09:57:33

If you want a honest opinion I would get completlely away from him,

the way he treat you when you had pnd was abhorent,

to live with someone that makes you feel small is terrible and will eat away at you bit by bit,

if you did split up you could end up having a bit of you time anyway if he has access to your ds

he doesn't deserve you

VictorianSqualor Sun 20-Jul-08 09:58:41

I agree with bossy.

DP&I do the 'I' thing, and 'when you behave like this it makes me feel'...

I think if you say the latter it is almost like saying that you understand the other person doesn't mean to hurt you, and isn't aware of the pain it's causing. No-one likes to think they are thought of as uncaring, but unknowing is easier to accept.

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 10:11:15

THanks for hugs Bossybritchs you sound like us...and I have pointed out the corrolation (tried to use terms he would understand wink) between non sex hugs during day and more likely to get sex at night...still did not work...he gave me hugs at night instead hmm

Hi VS and VSDP

His mates are in their 20's...and they go out every fri and sat...so he thinks his social life is nothing...and he does not see them if he does not go out drinking so he sees himself as losing his mates if he does not go out. But I do like your idea of just 2 nights a month out...makes much more sense It does feel at times that he cannot relax into a family lifestyle and become a bit more laid back. I'm just tired of being on parade each and every day...we even have sex at the same time hmm when I allow it! grin I can see the funny side still...!

Good idea bout money...will ask...after I have thought it through...he will most likely say a definate no...but I can but try...I would not say I am bad at handling money...I don't go overdrawn...but I don't save either...he does not want to deal with bills, does not like using the phone and as I'm at home and that used to be part of my job.....

Thanks Bumperlicious

I like the word 'impact'...I try to make him see that it is neccessary to give me more respite so dd and I are happier...but does not seem to sink in...yes he has always been like this. We both have nutty families and so we both have issues. Which is probably why we were attracted to one another in the first place...I have worked on my issues, he does not see himself as having any...I see him as emotionally distant due to his background and he needs to realise not all women are like his mother.

I really must go now...poor dd been in front of the tv since 6am shock poor love...and I need a shower and go and get weeks shopping...oh joy...just another day of the week...and dh will come down looking hung over...tell me a bit about night out...want sex when dd has gone to bed...which will be a NO...and then he will settle down to his maths at 1pm...till 2pm...then he will watch Sweeney or something else till 3pm...then he will get a book out (educational...not recreational) and read that till 4pm when he will get up dd and keep her entertained while I get tea which is to be ready for 5pm <rolls eyes> <world weary emotion>

cameracase Sun 20-Jul-08 10:13:56

and thank you all for supportive comments...really helps me get perspective...should have posted long ago

Bumperlicious Sun 20-Jul-08 10:31:40

What would happen if tea wasn't ready for 5pm? I don't want to make this seem like your fault but is there a sense that you have got into this routine because you have let him? What would happen if you tired to "mix it up" a little?

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