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Fairly dull gripe with fdriend, but I need to know if it was me in the wrong this time!

(22 Posts)
mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 08:36:54

Background: friend is lovely person but always always late, which drives people insane!

I asked if she was free this weekend. She offered to look after ds2 for me on Sat morn for an hour so I could do something with ds1. And then suggested we go to park after. I had said no time contraints on my side except that I needed to buy 2 things at some point over weekend. She suggested stopping at supermarket on way back from park (she has a car, so all quick).

I collected ds2, went homwe to get carseats, agrred to reconvene for park in half an hour. She did say she needed to be done and home by 3.30pm.
She arrives much later than half an hour ( at least I had time to hoover and do the washing!!). We go to park. I ask her twice if we need to go yet or could the kids do one more lap on bikes (she is the driver and the one on a time frame).
She decides when we go. She stops outside shop, I run in, get my 2 items, and grab some fruit on way past the reduced section. In and out in 10 mins. We are behind schedule, and she has said she wont have time to shower now etc. But at no point did she say there was no time to pull over and me to run in. She even said 'ok kids stay in the car as it'll save time', which implies that there was time for me to go in alone if I was quick, which I was.

Anyway, I'm in and out, she makes no comment etc etc. We get home and I say I'll leave carseats in to save time, get them later, so she could get straight off. She is friendly as normal.

She goes off for a meal out with her dh and ds, comes back later for drinks with lots of people as had been arranged. I text her to ask if on time, else I could easily get the bus and not be late. She says 15mins late; it gets to 25 late and I retext to ask if I should just go (its only a 10 min drive but 30 mins on bus for me, and I was already over 40 mins late because we were going to be a bit late anyway). She turns up in the foulest mood ever and makes some comment about me texting to ask bout getting the bus even though I was the one that had stopped at the supermarket and made her late earlier and bought more than the 2 items I said I was going to (bought 1 extra, but was walking past it anyway). I've never felt such a tense atmosphere.

I'm just gonna ignore it and hope it passes. But just wondering if I was supposed to override what she said, and do a big gesture of not going to Tescos? To me, if I ask if we have time, and am told we have, and that doesnt change other than to run in alone, then in my head she's saying its still ok to go in. She is not at all shy so would have no qualms about telling me we had no time, and she knows how long it takes to drive places (I dont drive). And she knew I cuold go alone today easily. I'm very much of the belief that you say what you mean and not expect people to second guess you.

Was I wrong?

Love2bake Sun 20-Jul-08 08:44:57

Could she actually be fed up with driving all the time? Sounds like there is more to it TBH.

CantSleepWontSleep Sun 20-Jul-08 08:46:22

YANBU. Presume this is the friend I know who was running late last time we met up too?!

Maybe she was just having a bad day/didn't enjoy dinner.

dilemma456 Sun 20-Jul-08 08:48:01

Message withdrawn

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 08:50:09

Yep, csws. it is!

No, not fed up with driving:
1. she likes driving
2. she suggested it, all of it. I'd have been happy walking to local park, but she doesnt 'do' walking

Kbear Sun 20-Jul-08 08:52:01

Say "look don't say it's fine when it's isn't or you make me feel bad for asking to give me a lift, just be honest and say if it's not convenient or doesn't suit you then you won't have to have the raving hump you moody cow". Subtle enough?

Tricky sitch but I think dealt with head on is better than her being moody and you feeling awkward.

Kbear Sun 20-Jul-08 08:52:43

maybe leave out the "moody cow" bit, just say that in your head grin

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 08:52:53

Its not horrible not driving!! Thats my point. I'm very happy walking and taking bus; I dont rely on anyone as we live in London so buses are every few seconds! We dont have a car because we cant afford one, but TBH, I prob wouldnt say we need one anyway. I dont scrounge lifts and favours; its very inportant to me not to do that.

Hecate Sun 20-Jul-08 08:55:39

Bit rich of her when she is the one that made you all late in the first place hmm Sounds like her time management is shit. No reason to blame you.

However, You need to learn to drive.

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 08:56:41

Lol at the thought of calling her a moody cow! This is the woman that dh is scared of grin He hid all our porn dvds when she came round the other week, incase she was offended, bless him.

I dont think anything needs sorting out as such; if she wants to hold a grudge, let her, and I'll just ignore it and be more grown up grin
But I'm just worried that I'm missing some accepted ettiquette here. Am I really supposed to do the whole 'dont worry' 'no I insist' 'no you dont have to' 'yes its fine' poncy stuff about favours?

Hecate Sun 20-Jul-08 08:57:08

Ah, you live in london, forget it then - practically nobody who lives in London needs to know how to drive or needs a car! (you lucky bastards!!)

Toothyboy Sun 20-Jul-08 08:58:58

I would stop relying on her to drive you places, especially as you don't mind walking or getting the bus. Make your own plans and if she happens to reach you before you leave, then get a lift with her, but otherwise you can do your own thing. I know it's a real PITA waiting around for someone when you don't know when they're going to turn up!

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 08:59:17

Her time management is appalling! But why do I need to learn to drive??? In this instance, if I'd been the car person, I'd have gone to pick her up at the right time, and she'd have still been getting ready and we'd have still been late by the same amount of time.

And if I had a car, I'd be more than £200 a month overdrawn, which is our usual level sad And when i go back to work after finishenig being a SAHM, the car wil just sit there useless all week!

Toothyboy Sun 20-Jul-08 09:00:50

Sorry, missed your earlier post - I meant relying in the sense of trusting her to turn up, rather than needing her to drive you iyswim!

Love2bake Sun 20-Jul-08 09:03:30

The friend probably feels obligated to pick you up even though you said you would get the bus.

My IL's don't drive, and they offer to get the train over etc, but we feel like were being mean if we let them do that. So we end up picking them up and dropping them home all the time.

dramaqueen Sun 20-Jul-08 09:07:51

I like driving but get fed up doing it all the time. I think that she feels obliged to drive you.

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 09:07:55

Dont think she feels obliged, but think she likes to feel needed IYSWIM. Also, I have a ds one afternoon a week when she works, so its kind of give and take that I do that and she does odd things for me like a lift or picking up milk when she's doing her shopping etc etc.

Until recently, I nver took favours from anyone, not lifts or anything, unless it was a dire emergency. But she kind of wore down my resolve. I think you're right that I need to back off from all that a bit, but I know she'll get the hump however subtle I am.

Hecate Sun 20-Jul-08 09:08:24

It's nice to not feel taken for granted.

For example, I always host birthday meals at my house. I'm the best cook (that doesn't say much, believe me!), and I enjoy doing it, and being host, whereas the rest of them don't.

However. I didn't do the last one because they all just assume that I'm going to do it all the time. Although I AM, I don't like it being taken for granted that I am, iyswim. Some little acknowledgement (ok, thanks, I want THANKS!!! blush) goes a long way. I felt fed up at the casual, taken for granted, 'she always does it', attitude. The blasé "We'll come to yours" pissed me off. Also, they made birthday plans for the child which MY kids weren't invited to but they expected me to provide a birthday meal for her hmm I think not. ok, ok, deep breath, not about me, not about me, this is not about me grin, sorry, got carried away there!!

So maybe an expression of gratitude, or some token that says "I appreciate you" would go down well?

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 09:16:07

I take your point. I do always thank her if we've been out in the car. But this thread has made me feel like I'm putting myself in a position of owing her my soul almost! I have another friend who I'd only get in car with in emeergency, because her time is so precious, and she offers but I nerver acept because she's that kind of person, so we meet after getting place seperately. But with the friend is question today, she's never said or given the impression that its a big hassle. And I have never ever asked her for a lift, I only accept if she offers, and not all the time even then. She helped us collect an ebay purchase, but that was between her and my dh as they went together and I stayed home.

onthepier Sun 20-Jul-08 16:37:13

I sympathise Mumstrunmore. I don't drive either and although I'm very happy catching buses, taxis + trains, other people won't accept that.

I just do my own thing now, but when my dc's were younger a group of friends, (all drivers), used to make such a big thing of everything!

When I turned up at todder group or a coffee morning, it would be "However did you get here? Why didn't you phone for a lift?" Then a half hour discussion between them about who's running me home, "I can make 2 journeys, I have a spare car seat, etc"!

I'd ask why all the fuss as my house was a 10 minute, very convenient bus ride away but they wouldn't accept no for an answer and then I'd hear, "I'm taking On The Pier home, it's out of my way but she doesn't drive"! Their attitude used to infuriate me!

I'm sad to say I dropped contact with them, purely because of their attitude to public transport users, but it's so much easier now, jumping on + off buses when I feel like it, I don't have to answer to anyone!

mustrunmore Sun 20-Jul-08 17:18:04

Lol onthepier. Thanks! grin

DeeRiguer Sun 20-Jul-08 17:40:42

lol onthepeir
i used to get that a bit from friend, the toddler destination was literally a couple of blocks away..
the faffing with the car seats oh i cant stand it
ds loves the bus and i like haveto come and go under my own steam..

actually the one trip we did go by car it was all back streets and such to avoid road was much longer than the bus grin

also in london also dont need one right now would prefer a campervan to get out of the city now and again not a car to clog things up even more..<dreams on>

op you not unreasonable, she sounds a bit arsey..

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