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to be glad school's out to get away from the cliqueyness of other parents?

(24 Posts)
thirtysomething Fri 18-Jul-08 17:03:53

grrrrrrrrrrr! don't usually get worked up by these things but today it really got to me. Parents at DD's school just so cliquey and exclusive, they seem to judge you solely on what you wear or which Church you may or not go to depending on clique. I wouldn't mind but because they keep mixing the classes up it's hard not to have to deal with these parents as I'm conscious I need to keep inviting children round to play each time she changes classes...thanks for letting me rant, just needed to get that out today!

FluffyMummy123 Fri 18-Jul-08 17:04:31

Message withdrawn

seeker Fri 18-Jul-08 17:08:32

How do you know they judge people?

thirtysomething Fri 18-Jul-08 17:09:28

yep, very normal, relatively middl-class suburb. Church seems to be very well attended round here, with huge cliques of squeaky-clean (even Boden clad) Mums in the playground discussing Junior Church and study groups. Is this not normal then?

itati Fri 18-Jul-08 17:10:04

I know just what you mean.

I have been going to the school for 3 years and hae made 2 friends and one of them I already knew but lost touch. People give you one chance and if you don't cut it, then you are ignored at school. All very 5 year oldy.

notasheep Fri 18-Jul-08 17:12:28

They all keep away from me-my Doctor Martens put them right off.
However i am a middle class church goergrin

thirtysomething Fri 18-Jul-08 17:13:01

Ok then seeker, you have a point. i have no proof they judge as such, but it's funny how if you are not slim, pretty and wear coordinated clothes and accessories then your attempts at conversation are met with little response.....Maybe I'm just not likeable, but I don't get that problem with my non-school mum friends. i just feel sad for DD as it means she doesn't get many playdates amongst the children of the cliquey mums!

LyraSilvertongue Fri 18-Jul-08 17:14:27

There's no discussion of church at our school (also fairly well off middle class area).

Onestonetogo Fri 18-Jul-08 17:15:33

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully Fri 18-Jul-08 17:17:47

I do think that this perception of cliqueyness is usually all in the mind, and it is the less socially confident people who tend to feel like this...(me included). However, if you go confidently in with a big smile on your face and are outgoing in your approach, in most schools you will make a reasonable number of friends at the school gates

Sorry I haven't time to post with more tact and diplomacy. Don't shout at me thirtysomething grin

TheFallenMadonna Fri 18-Jul-08 17:18:57

I go to church. Tend not to discuss it though.

Although I do try to hide from the woman who runs the Sunday School, because she does like to discuss it...

muggglewump Fri 18-Jul-08 17:20:00

I don't go anywhere near any other parents unless I am inviting a child home for tea.
Other than that I drop and run (DD walks herself in now anyway) and pick up time, I stand myself and wait for her.
Why is it so important to make friends at the school gate?
I never have but DD still gets invited to parties and the occasional tea, and I have her closest friends for tea too.
The whole school gate thing baffles me

seeker Fri 18-Jul-08 17:21:31

I think everyone on Mumsnet apart from me must live in Stepford. Or I am hugely insensitive and don't notice people judging my old, ugly, uncoordinated fat self!

castlesintheair Fri 18-Jul-08 17:21:44

Noone ever talks about church at our school. Is yours a church school thirtysomething? If so then maybe it is the norm. Personally it would bore me to tears.

seeker Fri 18-Jul-08 17:22:38

And rememeber that one person's clique is another person's group of people who have known each other since their babies played on a rug at toddler group.

Anna8888 Fri 18-Jul-08 17:24:04

Quite normal. Humans are tribal animals. Gravitate towards your own tribe rather than expending energy on feeling left out of other people's.

notasheep Fri 18-Jul-08 17:32:42

I am with mugglewumpgrin

VictorianSqualor Fri 18-Jul-08 17:40:17

When I first took DD to her new school I felt judged etc.

Most of the mums there are mid-late 30's, Probably Boden clad I wouldn't know, (With crocshmm) In their huge X5's etc.

Then there is me, obviously nothing like them, I go to school in my jeans and ugg boots with my tribe trailing behind me about to get on the bus.

They are actually really lovely ladies, who had known each other for a good few years before I came along, Dd is the eldest of my children, whereas their 7yr olds are their youngest children so have been through the nursery thing years ago.

It's all about how you look at it.

VictorianSqualor Fri 18-Jul-08 17:41:49

btw, her previous school I didn't feel I fitted in either.
Most of the mums were stood smoking at the gates, swearing and cursing and calling their children cunts.

elmoandella Fri 18-Jul-08 17:42:17

it's like that here. my kids haven't even started school yet. but the parent and toddler class is already like this.

some of the mothers would actually turn there back on myself and another friend when we moved her as we weren't from their group. one actually told my friend " excuse me if i don't talk to you but i have enough friends"

when someone finally talked to me (one of the groups mother had brought her grandchild as the mother couldn't come as usual), they asked where i was from. and when they found out i was from the "posh" houses on the estate the all wanted to talk to us then.

i wasn't asking to be great friends with these people. but is it too much to ask to expect them to chat to you when your a newcomer.

after this incident with the gp i've realised that i dont even want these type of people to talk to me. it's just plain rude to act in this kind of clique manner.

if someone new comes to the toddler group at the school. i make a point of talking to them. i wouldn't want them to feel excluded like me and friend did.

one day our children will be at school together. at least i know i have done my part to get to know some of them.

thirtysomething Fri 18-Jul-08 17:42:49

no, not a Church school but it may as well be, everyone seems to know each other through Church. I'm not especially bothered about it normally as I have lots of friends who either don't have kids or whose kids are different ages to mine, it's just for DD's sake really as at her school party invitations etc seem to be doles out on basis of mums' friends rather than the kids so I do feel she misses out quite a bit socially.

noonki Fri 18-Jul-08 18:07:35

these women sound horrible, I would be plesant to them and leave it at that

elmonadella has a great point -

be dead friendly to the new people and hopefully you will find someone you get on with and that your DD does to.

before you know it they end up being friends with whoever they get on with - my best mates mums' were never friends with my mum -

and the ones I had to play with because of parents got on were usually a right pain

georgiemama Fri 18-Jul-08 21:16:21

Noonki is right.

When I was a kid I hated the (rare) occasions I was expected to play nicely with my mum's friend's kids. I wanted to be with my friends.

I don't get the whole school gate thing anyway - surely you have your own friends and these people are irrelevant?

hellish Sat 19-Jul-08 03:06:30

Do you live in the NorthWest thirtysomething?
I was amazed when I met so many Churchgoing people my own age. It's the bible belt.

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