to think that dp is either completely destitiute and does not really own a house or go to work or that he has be the greediest man in the world and me and the dds would be much better off without him??!!!!

[micci25]

we are skint i know that but should that really stop us spending time togther as a family on his days off?

my dad is concerned that dp never takes us out anywhere and has offered to teach me to drive so that i can drive out with them on thier day trips (i cant fit into their car nither can dd2 as neice and my sister go with them with dd1). he wants to do this this year so that next summer i can go out with them. but also this year he wants to have a word with dp as he firmly believes that we should be spending time togther as a familly!! and i agree dp and i argue over this all the time. he says we cant afford it i say we can!!

dp is a bit scared of my dad so i can understand him being a bit upset that my dad wants 'a word with him' but hes not just upset he is absolutely livid!! because apparently we cant afford to take the dds anywhere!

so we cant afford to buy a loaf of bread and some cheese and walk to the local beach for a picnic? we cant afford to walk to the park so that he and dd1 can play football? we cant afford to pay £1 per adult and free for the dds to go the saturday morning matinee at the local cinema? we cant afford to walk to the bigger park to feed the ducks? we cant afford £1.80 per adult and free for the dds to go swimming for the day? i have given him all these options and his reply was "we have bills to pay incase you had forgotten"

yes we having fucking bills to pay we also have children who deserve to leave the fucking house! and has he sorted his shifts so that i can get a job! no of course he fucking well hasnt!!! that way i might have some control and confidence and might even leave the greedy controlling bastard!!!!!!!

oh can i also add he can afford to go over to the fricking club whenever he pleases and we always have lager in the fridge!! he cant go the night without at least one can, no that would be a disasater!!

AIBU to fucking hate this man right now? btw we cant afford the chicken dinner we were meant to be having for dinner either!!! the dcs can have egg and soldiers with angel delight and bananas and that fat bastard can starve for all i care!!!!!!!!!!

[TheProvincialLady]

If that is really the attitude that your partner has, then you do have problems I agree. I could not live as you describe. What are you going to do about it?

[NorthernLurker]

Ok - well your dp sounds more lazy than greedy as such. Is he saving money for a rainy day and has he got carried away with that so is ignoring your needs right now? That aside - you sound very,very angry though and I don't think you can sustain a relationship long term with that level of rage bubbling away so you may need to speak to him about some counselling or support for you as a couple. Otherwise if you split up then he will need to support two households on his wage and that really will put a crimp in his bank balance!

[micci25]

well of course i still do all these things with them and i will be learning to drive...ill buy my own fricking car if i have to (he can one instead of his disabilty tax credits)

i just think that its important for the dds to spend some funtime with him too!! i havent gone running to my dad complaining like dp thinks i have. my dad is working on dps house and has noticed that everytime he phones me on a morning dp is not at work to ask about the house dp is still in bad having been out/up late the night before and my dad firmly believes that he should be up and planning days out with us!

but what am i going to do about dp? atm i am tempted to wait untill i have lost a bit more of my baby weight (nearly 2st gone already just need another two now!!) go back to my old job (dancer) and buy my own fucking house and leave him!!! what i am actually going to do is tell him he is either part of this family or he is not. if he is not then he has his own house to live in and i dont care if he hasnt got a toilet! i cant cope with him here anymore!!!

[micci25]

no he is not saving for anything! he does have savings but he has had to borrow money off his mum to do up his house as he needs his savings!!! does that show you how greedy he is northernlurker?

he isnt paying into his savings right now and hasnt done for a while but hes not using them or saving them for anything. i mean if your not saving for a house what do you save for? a rainy day? if not being able to afford to finish making your house livable and saleable is not a rainy day then what is?

and yes i am very very angry! i cant stand living like this anymore! he wont sort his shifts so that i can get a job but then its all my fault that we have no money! i waste it all on food and things!!!!!

[TheProvincialLady]

TBH your second suggestion sounds quite sensible and would not preclude your eating cake, so I am in favour

[NorthernLurker]

Ooooh no - if he has savings and takes from his mum and nags you for being so unreasonable as to feed the family then , yes he does sound greedy!

[Mercy]

micci, I'm a bit confused (nothign new).

Do you and dp live in separate houses?

[micci25]

i find it hard to think of his good points when im not annoyed with him so i wont be able to come up with any now!!!!

.......

hes not violent/never has been
he will call in work and change his shifts if i am not well so that he can care for the dds

tbh i dont think he has any!! the ones he says he has are all material things i.e. he paid for us to go to benidorm and turkey a few years ago he has bought me a bed etc (on finance he couldnt possibly part with cash)

i really dont know why i am still with him! i know that i deserve better! but everytime it comes down to leaving him i lose my confidence and end up letting him stay!!

[micci25]

he owns his own home but was in a massive state of disrepair and was unsafe for dd1 to live in. he promised he would have it done by the time dd2 arrived! i asked my dad to start working on it shortly before dd2 first birthday as dp had only bothered to get a couple of things done in three years!!

technically he lives at his own house but atm he is living here as his toilet has been disconnected while my dad tiles his bathroom, which will take a while as dp is waiting for mate to get him free tiles. he has only been waiting about 3 months and its not like living apart is killing us financially or anything!!!!!!!!

though atm i dont think that i will be moving in with him! because i really dont think him having control of all the finances would be a great idea! i get is and ctc right now but once living with dp i would only get ctc and he would have the extra money as wtc!

as we dont technically live togther i have my money he has his as i have rent etc to pay and he has his morgate!

[Mercy]

Oh blimey.

How old is dd2 now?

[OverMyDeadBody]

It doesn't really sound like a relationship does it? Or is he so cought up in saving for the future that the present has completely passed him by?

[micci25]

shes 13 months and my dad is making good progress but keeps getting stalled my dps lack of comitmenyt to actually spend any money on the house!

he could really do with doing paid work as he and my mum arent very well off atm either due to the fact my dad has been laid off from work for health reasons but has agreed to work on dps house for next to nothing. (dp is paying for them to go to center parcs next year with us, but my mum and dad will be drving us there and paying for the petrol as well as bringing food so they really arent getting anything out of it)

i had agreed to move in once we had a bathroom and kitchen and flooring down and we would decorate around us as money allowed! but atm i dont think moving there would be a very good decision as it gets clearer and clearer every day just how greedy and controlling with money dp is and plus its his house in his name which would give him even more control!

[Hecate]

He is as tight as a gnat's chuff!

But your father should not be intervening. It is not good for a grown woman to have her relationship sorted out by her dad! If you are unhappy, it is your place to sort it out.

I would be VERY wary of moving into a house that is in his name only, without the legal protection of marriage. It would make you extremely vulnerable.

I would advise you think very carefully about this relationship and whether it is in your best interests to continue.

[micci25]

i agree hecate and as i said earlier i didnt go running to my dad for help (well only wrt to the house anyway but hes a builder so seemed obvious to ask for help there) its an obersvation he has made on his own and when he gets a bee in his bonnet about something no amount of reasoning from me or my mum will talk him out if it! he wants to speak to dp and will do so with or without my consent iyswim?

tbh i dont think it is in my best interests to continue with the relationship. i dont feel i love dp anymore. it clearly is not an equal partnership, at least not in his eyes, as he earns all the money (although we see very little of it), but yet he cant sort his shifts out so that i can work and even things out a little! we are constantly arguing over who does what (i do everything which is fair of course as he earns the money) and over money and nither of us are happy with things the way the are. i cant see this changing at all. even if i was working we would still have problems! i know this for fact as i only stopped working when pg with dd2. when i first met dp i was earning extortiniate amounts of money, yet we still argued over money!!!!!!!!!!

i think the best thing for me to do would be to draw a line under our relationship for now and stand on my own two feet for a while and wait to see if dp grows up a little once he is living completely alone and realises exactly what amount of time and money goes into running a house!

i have decided that what i should do is ask dp to move back into his own house (and get my dad to sort something out re his toilet) wait untill dd1 is at school fulltime (sept) and ask if my nan could see her way to caring for dd2 if i got a little job during the day and cope alone for a while to see if i can find 'me' again iyswim? as the old me would never allow herself to treat this way but i seem to have lost all my confidence!!

[lulumama]

you have answered your own questions really

he can get his own plumber in to sort his toiler out surely?

sounds like a totally irritating relationship with you getting nothing out of it

it is unforgiveable that he won;t spend family time with you and his own children

[Hecate]

I hope you find your strength again and sort it out.

[micci25]

well yes he could lulu but he had an agreement with my dad that he would do all the kitchen bathroom in return for center parcs wich dp has already booked and i dont think it would be fair for this agreement to be negated on just because dop and i having problems!

im hoping that if he grows up a little and i get my confidnce we could make another go at one day. i just dont think that we can make things any better while we are still living like this, or while we are living in his house!

it really is not working atm and something needs to give. we have tried the talking, reasoning etc but we cant afford to go to the park???? ffs ill go hang myself now shall i? i need space from this to sort out for myself what expect from life and my relationships, but am fairly sure that dp at the moment is not what i want in a partner.

i dont think it is too much to expect to have a partner who is supportive of me and my ambitions (i want to go to uni and dp is very good at pointing out how hard/impossible this will be) and who is willing to move heaven and earth to have family time together! i also dont think its too much to ask for a little help in the house, with finances and with the dds.

[Miggsie]

he sounds lazy and totally selfish, and does he actually care about any of you????

[lulumama]

how old is your DP?

[expatinscotland]

why are these people referred to as a 'dp'?

there's nothing either darling or partner about them.

why are you with this man?

sounds like you have some family support.

use it.

[NorthernLurker]

I agree with expat - in what sense is this man your partner?

[micci25]

he is 32. we dont have joint finances as we dont live together, due to the state of his house. i am considering what this is doing to my children, they are one of the biggest reasons why i have decided enough is enough.

psml at allowing him to drink lager! while i would never wish to have so much control over him that i could stop him buying his lager he would just laugh at me if i asked him to stop buying it!

he says he cares about us, but if that was true he wouldnt be so upset at some one sugesting he should actually spend some time with us, would he?

we have talked about relate but never actually done it. i think we are past that point anyway! i have had enough! plus the park is FREE!!! and its a five minute walk from here! its right opposite his bloody house!!!

[Miggsie]

micci...he sounds crap, and he also sounds like he is trying to pull you all down to his level.

My BIL is like this, you always have to go to him, he does nothing for anyone else...a real albatross around the neck

You are right to stand up for your kids, what on earth is the problem about taking them to a playground/park?????