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To expect him to make some sort of an effort ???

(120 Posts)
Dumbass Tue 15-Jul-08 19:53:43

Been with dp about 5.5 months. I think he's behaving like a 35 year old stroppy teenager, just being difficult for the sake of it. He says I should accept him the way he is and that he won't change. But it's really winding me up.
Basically he has never been to a funeral or a christening or even properly to a wedding - he once went to the church and lasted about 5 mins before walking out and going to the pub. His reasons are; 1. He dislikes churches. 2. He thinks people who get married are making a spectacle of themselves. 3. He doesn't own any smart clothes and claims that he can't afford to buy a pair of proper trousers (i.e. not jeans). He has said if his best friend asked him to be best man he would refuse.
We've been invited to a christening next month and he has told me he will 'make himself' sit in a church if I really want him to go but that he will be wearing jeans. I'm horrified. His cousin is getting married in a few months and he has told me (and them) that he won't be going to the church service and will turn up afterwards wearing jeans. I think it's totally disrespectful and I think he's being pathetic. AIBU to expect a 35 year old man to behave in a grown-up manner?!

ShadowyMariaMiller Tue 15-Jul-08 19:54:07

ohg od he soudsn a prat tbh

ShadowyMariaMiller Tue 15-Jul-08 19:54:18

he wont change either

nickytwotimes Tue 15-Jul-08 19:56:13

YANBU to want him to act like a grown up, but he ain't gonna change. Might be time to move on?

2point4kids Tue 15-Jul-08 19:57:05

You've hit the nail on the head with pathetic

2fedup Tue 15-Jul-08 19:58:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noonki Tue 15-Jul-08 19:59:48

Has he got any redeeming features?

Is this his only foilble (Sp?) ?

TheMagnificent7 Tue 15-Jul-08 20:00:09

He's told you well in advance of his feelings. He has shown respect by telling you, and the other people concerned, that he intends to come if they insist, but that he'll be wearing what he finds comfortable. I've had people just turn up in jeans and t-shirts to these sort of events and I was livid. If he has a genuine problem with churches, which I totally understand, then you're being a bit OTT. Sounds more like a religion problem to me.

Your problem is that you want him to conform to your mould, rather than any resepct issues. Boys that tell the truth and stick to their guns...crikey.

He may be a bit of a cock for not playing along, but he's an honest cock with principles. Scruffy bugger.

Thomcat Tue 15-Jul-08 20:00:30

Hmmmm I think he sounds like the sort of man who lives just for himself, is selfish, self absorbed, it's all about him, and he expects it all done for him etc. Basically not the sort of man you want to keep around for too much longer.

BettySpaghetti Tue 15-Jul-08 20:01:30

He sounds a bit of an arse TBH

ChukkyPig Tue 15-Jul-08 20:09:40

Is he very shy?

I would then understand his attempts to get of of events like this.

Otherwise he sounds like an arse.

Depending on your relationship, you need to either tell him you will get him a pair of trousers and he will go along and behave himself, or just leave him at home.

Is he nice in other ways? I hope you're not harbouring hopes of marrying him!

TheCrackFox Tue 15-Jul-08 20:12:26

He sounds like a bit of a prat, TBH.

domesticslattern Tue 15-Jul-08 20:13:20

I can kind of sympathise with him. I hate hate hate church services, on principle. If you don't subscribe to Christianity, why do you have to sit through a service, look respectful, nodding and listening, and getting up and down, and singing words you don't believe, and being preached at etc.

Even if you go along and don't say a word, you're complicit I think, in something you don't believe in.

I'm making two exceptions, for each of my parents' funerals. The rest I try to avoid as much as possible. It just makes me feel like a big old hypocrite.

The jeans bit does sound a bit silly though. However, it sounds to me like he is meeting you halfway. If he is anything like my DH, then don't try to change him, he'll only dig his heels even further into the ground!!

NotQuiteCockney Tue 15-Jul-08 20:13:22

Meh, I don't really like going into churches. Nothing very interesting ever seems to happen in there.

He's being clear about what he will and won't do. Yes, he's also being a PITA. You have at least got enough information, to know whether you want to put up with this or get rid.

LIZS Tue 15-Jul-08 20:13:45

and you are with him because ...?

soopermum1 Tue 15-Jul-08 20:16:53

go on your own...permanently. if he's so stuck in his ways with entering a church or wearing smart clothes, what other things is he stuck in his ways about?

LoveMyGirls Tue 15-Jul-08 20:20:56

I'd have to get rid of him, 5.5 mths is not long and if he's annoying you already whats the point? I'd be thinking of if I ever wanted to marry him or if we had kids and I wanted them christened or even what he'd turn up looking like for my parents funeral i jsut don't think I could cope with such a selfish attitude.

People dress up for church it's the done thing regardless of what you think about god, its a social thing, I would hate to go with him to an event and be embarrassed because everyone is looking at us just because he couldn't be arsed to find £15 for some trousers.

HermanMunster Tue 15-Jul-08 20:29:12

you might think it's pathetic and that he is acting like a disrespectful arse but at least he is being completely up front and honest about it.
he has let you know that he hates churches and ceremonies involving churches.
i say fair play to him. personally i like ceremonies but i wouldn't expect anyone else to and if they clearly hated them i wouldn't drag them along just for the sake of it.
i wouldn't drag my OH to a concert or movie they clearly hate with a passion as their obvious dislike of what was going on around them would just ruin it for both of us.

so at least he's been up front and honest about it and now the decision is yours and you have all the relevant facts.
it's a bit like starting a relationship with someone who smokes. if they are up front about it and say they don't want to quit, it seems a little odd that down the road the other person would start to complain about it when they know all along.

theexmrsfederer Tue 15-Jul-08 20:31:47

Does he have a kind of social phobia about these "formal" occasions and just doesn't know how to act so does his best to avoid them?

I am guessing he is OK just down the pub.

He is being honest with you. Now you have the chance to decide if you can live with this attitude or not.

KatieDD Tue 15-Jul-08 20:33:29

My dad was exactly the same, an utter idiot, get rid now, don't waste any more time on a man who cannot be bothered to make other people happy and conform where and when required.

TheProvincialLady Tue 15-Jul-08 20:38:14

He sounds a prat to me, but I'm not having a relationship with him, you are. I guess the issues are:

1. Are you happy with a man who does not and will not own a stitch of formal/smart clothing and never will unless you make him?
2. Are you happy with a man who will not attend the sorts of social functions you will be attending, eg christenings/weddings?
3. Are you happy with a man who thinks that people who decide to get married are making a spectacle of themselves?

The answer for me would be NO to all three, but these things might not be important to you considering his other qualities. Either way, you can't change him and at least his is being honest I supposehmm

TheMagnificent7 Tue 15-Jul-08 20:38:17

Hey, don't worry though. Everyone on here assumes men are like buses. Just get off this one (that had the route very clearly posted on the front) and just wait magically for the next one to pop along. Hopefully you'll be able to jump into the driver's seat and steer it wherever you want.

FFS, you'd seriously recommend ending a relationship because someone is honest and upfront? If your man did that to some of you all I can just hear the cries of Bully this and Bully that because he has Forced a change on you.

Not sure what the queue down at 'Partners-R-Us' is like for you all, but it's pretty long round here. The 'honest man' section is particularly busy. 'Weak Snobbery' has a sale on though. Everyone is two-bob.

HermanMunster Tue 15-Jul-08 20:45:35

if it is a deal breaker for you then finish with him. i'm of the opinion that you only get one life so no point in spending it with someone you don't want to be with.
i just can't believe that someone not being into religious ceremonies and dressing up just for the sake of it would be a deal breaker for someone.
as i said earlier i do enjoy formal occassions and where everyone gets dressed up, but they happen what 5/6 times a year max?
i can just imagine the response if someone posted on here "my dp is trying to force me to go to X,Y,Z even though i really hate such events.AIBU to expect a grown up 35 year old man to respect my decision"

TheProvincialLady Tue 15-Jul-08 20:45:41

Ah now I see it differently. I see it as in, why waste time with a man who gets on your nerves after just 5.5 months and doesn't want to do the same things you do, and that TBH most people are prepared if not happy to do on an occasional basis? It's not really fair on either of you. You don't have to just settle with a bloke just because there aren't many around - I would rather be single than unhappy in a relationship. You could miss the man you are ideally suited to whilst spending all your time with Mr Jeans.

LoveMyGirls Tue 15-Jul-08 20:47:53

TM7 - Like your post but don't agree OP should settle for someone who is very different from her, she clearly isn't impressed by his attitude or else she wouldn't have bothered to post.

As whitney says "I'd rather be alone than unhappy"

5mths is a very short space of time and if there are issues arising already I would worry.

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