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to refuse to feel guilty?

(17 Posts)
LolaTheShowgirl Mon 14-Jul-08 13:55:32

I have to leave to go to work at 3:30 and just 45 minutes before I have to leave today just as I was getting in the bath my mother who is in the garden shouts up at me through my bedroom window to go to the rubbish tip with her husband to show him where to put things (as if I know anyway!). So I said I would and I pulled on a few old clothes but when I went down the rubbish was still in the garden so I said I will go continue getting ready for work and for them to shout me when the car is loaded and then my mother went off on one at me to f*ck off shock. So I did back up and now obviously i'm not going but I feel guilty. Is it my fault? There is no reason why she can't go btw. For those of you who have been following my relationship with my mother - I am still desperate to move out but after I have paid rent and the bills etc I will have absolutely nothing left and most of the landlords round here (especially for the only very cheap bedsits I can afford) won't accept dss/housing benefits and even the houseshares are from £60+ which I can't even afford and because of my shift patterns, another job is out of the question.

Sim43 Mon 14-Jul-08 14:01:25

Your mother is totally out of order. What are you her slave?

mrsruffallo Mon 14-Jul-08 14:03:23

I think your mother resents your living there

mrsruffallo Mon 14-Jul-08 14:03:56

Why is there so much tension between you?

Lemontart Mon 14-Jul-08 14:05:44

Your mother told you to F off even though you had agreed to help???!!!
YANBU at all.
Keep looking for a houseshare and alternative housing solutions. Something will pop up eventually. There has to be a better option for you somewhere x

LolaTheShowgirl Mon 14-Jul-08 14:08:35

but mrs ruffallo, i've gone to register to look at bedsits or flats and she really puts me off stating reasons that one would be too small for me (it was a bedsit which is perfectly fine for just me) and the other reason because one was in a largely Asian populated area which again wasn't a problem for me but because she didnt want me to move there I respected her wishes but she and her dirty scum husband are a nightmare to live with now. I find myself shelling out £40 every few weeks to spend a night in a hotel alone away from them. It's ridiculous.

LolaTheShowgirl Mon 14-Jul-08 14:09:58

I hope so lemontart. I really love my job. It feels like I've found my feet at last career wise but i'm really beginning to think of returning to live-in nannying just to get away from here.

FabioTheLiterateCat Mon 14-Jul-08 14:11:50

Yes it is ridiculous.
Why are you letting your mother put you off?

You're quick to moan about her but you won't get anywhere until you stand up for yourself.

'respect her wishes' my arse

Thisismynewname Mon 14-Jul-08 14:12:00

Sorry Lola, have read your threads before but forgotten why you work p/t, is it because you have dc(s)?

CarGirl Mon 14-Jul-08 14:12:25

Why are you letting her dictate to you where you live, if you find a bedsit cheap enough go and live in it.

CarGirl Mon 14-Jul-08 14:13:32

In fact look for lodgings with a family will include gas & electricity so although it may £60 per week at least it's a fixed price

Hecate Mon 14-Jul-08 14:17:21

If you can get into a bedsit, you can apply for HB and have it paid directly to you, then you pay the landlord. The landlord need never know. It means saving up a little to get in there, but takes away the pressure of finding the rent every single week.

If your current job is not enabling you to live - find a different one. Are you looking? (I know we don't live in a world where you can pick and choose, but many people do find jobs every day.)

If the area is too expensive - move to a different area.

The most unhelpful thing a person can do in a bad situation is to close their mind, to say that they have no choice. There are always options. They may not be ideal, but most choices are not...
1 - really great option, fab life, total happiness
2 - shitty option, pain and suffering, misery

How great and easy would life be if our choices were like that? ooh, shall I go for happiness or a big pile of shit - hmmmm let me think....

Sadly, more often than not, it is shitty choice number 1 v shitty choice number 2.

But you do have choices. You just don't have easy choices. But you have to do something, are you still going to be coming on here in 20 years, moaning about life with your mum and her husband, but listing all the reasons why you can't do anything about it?

HumphreyCushioni Mon 14-Jul-08 14:17:27

Lola, two similar threads in two days, and we're all giving you the same advice. smile

You need to make your own decisions.

You moan about your mother, but then make decisions because you think it will please her.

Put your foot down.
Move out.

As I said yesterday, you will be so relieved once you have taken that step, and you will never look back.

But you have to make the decisions about what is best for you.

LolaTheShowgirl Mon 14-Jul-08 14:21:15

Thanks hecate, I didnt realise that. Just a few more pounds and i'd scrape through each month. My job is the best thing that ever happened to me. It would kill me to leave it. It's my place of refuge when things get tough at home!

mumblechum Mon 14-Jul-08 14:26:41

What are you doing, workwise?

mrsruffallo Mon 14-Jul-08 14:31:26

I think that it will be better for your relationship with your mother if you move out.
You hate her DH, you argue a lot...

LIZS Mon 14-Jul-08 16:46:52

Sorry you either need to move out or you are allowing yourself to be at the mercy of her whims and ill temper. You could have said you couldn't do it then anyway because you were due at work. Sounds like she enjoys being able to control you and you are letting her.

£60pw sounds pretty cheap to me I'm afraid. When I started work my rent was a huge proportion of my income, plus I was commuting. I'm not sure what type of job you are doing for less than £100 pw - how many hours is that , presumably less than 20 even if min wage ? You may be entitled to IS or HB or could you look for something with more hours. Did you look into YMCA type schemes?

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