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AIBU?

To want to work one day per week?

21 replies

mamachat · 13/07/2008 10:33

DD is now one and still bf alot.. I have just started a new job where I work what ever days I can around dp's work...

So some weeks I work 2days and some I work none.

I worked two days this week and made a weeks wages. I think DP is jealous as he started saying 'why dont I give up work and you can work full time'. Then I said 'no way I would miss dd way too much, the most I would work is 2days per week'.

Then he started saying why would you need to work 2days per week? I said I want to pay off my credit card bills and have some of my own money to spend... But for now I will only work one day per week and maybe when dd is off the breast increase it to 2days per week.

Then he was saying we will not have any quality time together. Coz I am working...

I feel he wants me to have no money in my pocket for anything and keep asking him when I want to buy anything.

I don't like taking his money to spend on clothes and shoes etc, so want my own for that kind of thing...

OP posts:

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MegBusset · 13/07/2008 10:36

YANBU. I work an average of one day a week and it's great. Why on earth shouldn't you work if you want to?

Maybe he is jealous as he thinks you have the best of both worlds -- being able to work but spend time with DD. Re: quality time together, can't you have that at weekends?

mamachat · 13/07/2008 10:44

Also forgot to say When I work I will be out of my house for 12hours that day...

He works weekends and his shifts are all over the place.

We never spend quality time together anyway even when I am not working.

But he did say if I work 2days per week and he works 5, why should he have to look after dd on his daysoff..

So what the hell does he think I would be doing on the 5days I am off work?? I will be looking after dd...

OP posts:

TheRealPhartiphukborlz · 13/07/2008 10:59

who looks after dd on yoru 12 hour shift?

TheRealPhartiphukborlz · 13/07/2008 10:59

you are veyr likely to have such a flexible job - lots of people would sell their grannies for that

TheRealPhartiphukborlz · 13/07/2008 11:00

lucky

doh, i shoudl be so lucky, lucky

findtheriver · 13/07/2008 11:10

Sounds like neither of you are happy with your work life balance. You have every right to want to work, but equally, he has every right to miss his dd as much as you do. Sounds like you need a serious talk!!

EffiePerine · 13/07/2008 11:12

Why does he have to work f/t and you p/t? Can you reach a compromise where he cuts his hours and you work more days?

EffiePerine · 13/07/2008 11:14

it does actually sound quite unfai. He is working to support your family, you are working for some extra cash for yourself. No prob with that, but I can see that he might be a bit disgruntled.

OurHamsterisevil · 13/07/2008 12:20

Why should he look after DD on his day off? Because he is a parent and thats what they do. Whether you have paid work or not, you don't have a day off as a parent, you have children to look after. I think he is clearly jealous of you and to expect you to do all the cchildcare is wrong

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 13/07/2008 12:33

Maybe it is his male pride? Some men don't like the idea that their partner wants or has to work. They want to provide.

I work 3 days a week but because I have to earn money for the bills. I am sure if dh earned more money he would want me at home more. I am pg with number 2 and plan to go back to work and do less hours.

Elkat · 13/07/2008 15:51

I'm summising that if you're fitting your shifts around your hubby's work, that you work on his days off - correct?

I understand that you want to go to work... I feel the same, would go loopy if I had to stay at home all the time. But at the same time, I can understand where your DH might be coming from too. If he has worked hard all week, perhaps he wants to spend some time with you on his days off. If you're working on his days off, then when do get to spend time together as a couple? I know the evenings, but that's not the same when you've got a baby, can't go out, both shattered from the end of the day etc etc...

As you say you have got flexible working, could you perhaps find someone (perhaps a grandparent or something) to have the child one day so you at least get one day together? Or could you do a couple of mornings - by the time your DD has had her morning nap, etc you will be back to spend the afternoon with her?

Maybe its just me, but I do think sometimes in our desire to be with our los all the time that it is easy to overlook the importance of the marriage and being a couple too, and if you never get to spend time together because you work on his days off, its easy to go down a path where you just grow apart...

Just a thought.

findtheriver · 13/07/2008 16:02

I think you make a good point Elkat. Sometimes organising a bit of paid childcare can be a lifesaver in a marriage. If couples insist on trying to juggle everything between them - work, childcare, housework, shopping, they can end up hardly seeing eachother! I can see why its tempting to do it all yourselves if you work shifts - it saves on spending on childcare - but sometimes the emotional well being of the whole family needs to come first. I would cut yourselves a bit of slack, sort out CM or nursery and then you'll all have a bit more 'space'.

mamachat · 13/07/2008 16:50

I suggested putting dd in a nursery orgetting someone to lookafter her when I am at work then he can collect her and take her home when he is finished work. He said I am 'palming her off on people'.

And if i don't want to look after her he will do it himself... I feel like he wants me to be stuck at home with dd all the time, waiting for him to return from work incase he feels like spending time with us. That is if he is not too tired and he wants to nap instead,...

OP posts:

findtheriver · 13/07/2008 16:53

Then he is being controlling and unreasonable. Organising a good nursery or childminder is not 'palming your child off'; it is providing her with experiences which can complement what she gets at home. I would turn it back on him, and say that HE is depriving your dd of the opportunity to interact with other kids. He just sounds totally way off the mark here.

pinkyp · 13/07/2008 16:54

he sounds like a spoilt brat, trying to make u feel guilty for wanting to work, he prob feels jelous like other people have said. Sit down and tell him why u want to work and why he is against you working so much. I enjoy going to work 3 afternoons a week, (miss ds loads) it gives me the perfect work/home life balance.

mamachat · 13/07/2008 16:55

Effieperine - I am not working for extra cash just for myself, dp's income is enought for us to live on comfortably, but both of us have got backdated bills to pay...

He agreed to pay off my credit card bills as I was at home with dd. But I would prefer to pay them myself and he can then use his money to pay off all his bills...

Also he gives me money for shopping and to spend etc but then I feel I have to account for what money I spent on what. So would prefer to have my own money to spend on what ever I want to...

But I would also contribute to food shopping etc with bills...

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Miggsie · 13/07/2008 16:56

Sounds like he needs to work put what he thinks family life is, as he appears to have a very repressive victorian type attitude that the woman stays at home with the child, no breaks at all, and he works and looks after the baby when he feels like it, but primarily the child care is your job.

I work part time, as I need "adult time" where I can talk to grown ups! I also have DD in a nursery on some days, even if I am at home, because she gets to meet other kids, has a whale of a time playing, singing and doing stories, and I get the housework done much quicker. I feel this arrangement benefits me and DD as I get time to be a person, not a full on mum, and she gets lots of socialising (and people who want to play the beetle game endlessly, which, frankly I don't)

Talk to your DH about what he thinks being a family is about, and why he is so negative about your working.
Would he object if you volonteered for a charity? Or went to a book club or something without your child? what is his actual objection?

mamachat · 13/07/2008 16:59

Also my mum and sister have said they can look after dd when they are free (both work but not full time).

So they could chip in and help, but I don't really like asking them to look after her too often as dd is a handfull. And I feel it is kinda cheeky to ask them to look after dd while I am off making loads of money.

But he also said that is palming her off on other people...

OP posts:

mamachat · 13/07/2008 16:59

Also my mum and sister have said they can look after dd when they are free (both work but not full time).

So they could chip in and help, but I don't really like asking them to look after her too often as dd is a handfull. And I feel it is kinda cheeky to ask them to look after dd while I am off making loads of money.

But he also said that is palming her off on other people...

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mamachat · 13/07/2008 17:04

I am happy to look after dd most of the time, as I feel it is mostly my job. but as I have always worked I have been getting depressed recently coz i'm always at home and not earning any money..

He said he thought I was going to work part time after having dd 1-2 half days per week. Or do a course. Thats why I think he has a problem with how much I make coz he is acting like working a few days but less hours would be fine..

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findtheriver · 13/07/2008 17:36

He is being illogical and ridiculous. Yes, it is a bit cheeky to use relatives for free childcare, but clearly money isnt the real issue here anyway, so book a nursery place now and work the hours you want!

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