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To mind that my DH is overweight?

(47 Posts)
Youcanthaveeverything Fri 11-Jul-08 16:52:29

He has been getting steadily fatter over the past 10 years, and now has a real middle aged type paunch that hangs over his trousers and sometimes strains his shirt buttons.

He talks alot about 'going on a diet' but it never lasts more than a few days.

Now, I love him, he is a wonderful husband and father, but this does make me fancy him less I'm afraid.

Worse, he takes no interest generally in his appearnace, hair/clothes etc, and often looks a mess.

I take this quite personally, I want him to want to look good for me. Why doesn't he care?

I know he would not like it all if I put on weight or made no effort, he takes alot of pride in me looking good.

I know if any overweight Mner's posted about thier Dh's objecting, the Dh would be heavily critised. So am I being unreasonable to mind?

ivykaty44 Fri 11-Jul-08 16:56:51

Slightly different, how about you give yourself a makedown.

Go and get or borrow some fags of someone, a cushion up your tomatoe ketchup stained top with a wooly cardy over the top and a few rollers in for good measure undernieth a headscarf.

Thing is you must not utter a word, not a single word and then the follwoing day return to "normal" high gloss whatever.

They say actions speak far louder than words grin

FluffyMummy123 Fri 11-Jul-08 16:57:09

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaG Fri 11-Jul-08 16:59:40

NExt time he goes on a diet, could you REALLY take over and make him every meal until he starts to see results? Might make him a bit happier to continue.

I'd sgugest you did Slimming world for him (he can do it online) as you can eat LOADS and still lose weight.

YANBU, but if it bothers you that much you need to be proactive

CoolYourJets Fri 11-Jul-08 17:01:06

I very very gently told mine how I felt tbh.

Tears were shed on both sides. He has now taken up running and eats less than me.

TheFallenMadonna Fri 11-Jul-08 17:01:29

Dh doesn't really care about his appearance. He does care about his fitness and health, but not about how he looks. I don't take it personally at all. I do take him shopping every now and again though.

If he doesn't care and you do, you need to be proactive. Sort out his diet and get the whole family moving.

Don't start turning it into a "if he loved me he'd want to do it by himself" thing, because that only leads to discontent.

Youcanthaveeverything Fri 11-Jul-08 17:01:50

I did say i still love him.

I just don't love his fat gut.

I know cod, I guess I really just have to get used to living with it, and minding. I don't think he's ever going to loose it.

just wondered if it was unrasonable to mind?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov Fri 11-Jul-08 17:02:56

If he is the type of man who doesn't care that much about his appearance, that is never going to change.
My dh is..... well strictly speaking ... obese I guess.
But then I like big men.
Plus he takes great care and always looks and smells fab. ALWAYS. And the man has so many top quality clothes.......

PrettyCandles Fri 11-Jul-08 17:04:50

Does he know how you feel about it? Maybe he thinks he doesn't matter and it isn't worth the effort of making him look good.

Youcanthaveeverything Fri 11-Jul-08 17:06:33

Hmmm, is slimmimg world good then? he does need/like to eat alot (obviously).

We did talk yesterady about how I felt about it, he took it very well and resolved to go on a diet, but he's been on so many diets...

I think part of the problem is beer. he loves real ale and doesn't drink alot, but at least a pint a night at home. I understand he really enjoys it and has associations for realaxing, but he won't loose weight whilst doinf that wil he?

CoolYourJets Fri 11-Jul-08 17:09:40

Our sex lives had become a bit lacklustre.

He was bemoaning it. I bit the bullet and said that I thought there would be a huge improvement in it if he looked after himself a bit more.

I pointed out that pre-kids we had all day/night to be a couple and build up to sex. This included seeing him looking all swish and groomed in his suit/night out gear etc.

I cried and told that I was really sorry but I just didn't find him as attractive in his evening comfy(joggers etc) clothes unshaven with a beer gut.

He cried and said he had been making less effort as he didn't see the point if we weren't having loads of sex but he could see that was a bit stupid really.

It really improved our relationship tbh, more effort on both sides and we are far closer now.

PrettyCandles Fri 11-Jul-08 17:09:54

He can indulge in a pint a night, as long as he factors it in to the rest of his diet. Alcohol is calories, just like bread and meat. Also he has to exercise as well, of course. Doesn't need to be major exercising. Losing weight doesn't have to be monastic and self-denying, you can still enjoy yourself.

Youcanthaveeverything Fri 11-Jul-08 17:10:06

Oblomov, I think if, like your DH, he took care of his appearance then the weight issue would matter less.

But it's another aspect of his slovenlyness (this is a abit harsh, he's not quite that bad, but canb'e think of another word), and I'm just inwardly screaming, please make an effort!!!

OrmIrian Fri 11-Jul-08 17:12:20

Youcant - I feel the same blush My DH is a great bloke in many ways but he is quite simply fat these days. He disguises it from himself by having broad shoulders and a muscular chest, but there is an awful lot of 'relaxed muscle' round his abdomen. I try not to care but TBH its like cuddling a huge marshmallow.

Like yours he keeps trying diets and giving up. He likes food too much and whilst he is happy to change the kind of food he eats, he will not do the obvious thing and cut down on the vast quantities. And he won't do any CV exercise, just weights work.

But he has also given up fags recently (yay!) so I'm trying to not let it get to me. I think he has a right to be gentle with himself at the moment.

Youcanthaveeverything Fri 11-Jul-08 17:13:41

He has been trying to exercise, he went running and joined a five aside football team, but constantly has injuries as he's so unfit, which I am very unsynpathetic aboutblush.

I think part of it is also not liking to admit that he's getting older and he not young fit and lythe(sp?).

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Youcanthaveeverything Fri 11-Jul-08 17:28:15

So would i MMJ. Attrcation is definetly about more than just appearances, but appearnces are one aspect.

That's why the AIBU question was not just a rhetorical one.

I do mind, but maybe you're right, I shouldn't. maybe this is something that really should not bother me.

Or maybe expecting your partner to make some effort to be attractive to you is not unreasonable.

I don't know. I know I do mind, but maybe I shouldn't.

MMJ would it not bother you?

OrmIrian Fri 11-Jul-08 17:29:31

I quite agree. You might want to not mind about it, but it's hard not to care.

CoolYourJets Fri 11-Jul-08 17:33:15

I know tmmj. But at the end of the day I just did not fancy him in the slightest. I had to do something about it. I could feel my motor revving and found myself flirting more with attractive men.

I really think it could have cost us our marriage as very little sex would probably turned into an affair for one if not both of us.

It wasn't even the weight so much as the complete lack of effort to be attractive. He hasn't lost all that much weight yet but the effort makes up for it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenMadonna Fri 11-Jul-08 17:35:29

"expecting your partner to make some effort to be attractive to you is not unreasonable"

I expect he, like many of us, feels secure and comfortable in your loving relationship, and it just doesn't occur to him that more is required.

Don't make it into a test for him. Sort out the diet. Get him moving. Be nice about his attempts to get active.

Walnutshell Fri 11-Jul-08 17:36:49

I dunno, MMJ, it depends how it was said. If in the context of a frank conversation about improving your relationship, I think I would cope. I guess it just depends on how your relationship works and how you feel about your body image - for some of course this would be a very sensitive issue, for others it might be a kick up the bum, nothing more. I suppose it's hard if one of you is particularly concerned with appearance and the other isn't.

Hmm, to answer the OP, I suppose it's always worth thinking through why he has lost interest in his appearance when he, as you say, is a man who cares to the extent that he notices how you look.

thumbwitch Fri 11-Jul-08 17:37:42

YCHE - I don't think YABU - it is not just about appearance really, it is about attitude as well. He is saying, albeit unconsciously, that he can't be bothered to make an effort to look good now he is in his rut.

How old is he? if he is over 40 then he needs to worry about heart disease, diabetes etc. creeping up on him (or not, in fact - heart attacks in the 40+ male are very often out of the blue). His health is at risk here, not just his appearance and he really does need to get a grip on that.

Oviously strenuous exercise isn't working for him - what about swimming, some kind of martial art, badminton? and of course, there is sex - it sounds like he might get a bit more if he sorted himself out a bit wink and that would help to keep the weight off!

Plus he does need to watch his diet, and I guess you must be involved in at least some of his meals, so exercising portion control on his dinners will help too.

HTH

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