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about how I'm feeling about parents emigrating?

(26 Posts)
suwoo Wed 09-Jul-08 14:02:45

OK, its only France they are moving to not Australia, but I am still feeling really emotional today. They are going next Tuesday and it is starting to hit me again. I know all the positives that you will all reinforce, like holidays and its 'only France' etc, but I really want to stamp my feet and cry a lot.
I have a husband and two kids of my own and I am nearly 33, but is it ok to be a little bit pissed off, a little bit resentful and very very sad? sad

Twelvelegs Wed 09-Jul-08 14:07:14

Mine moved to China when ds was 10 months and ds2 was 4 months away from being born. It has worked really well, the dcs all know (now 5,6 and 20 months) a little mandarin, my mother come s back for about 10 weeks and phone calls are plentiful and cheap. I have visited every year for at least six weeks.
I was really happy for them to leave and start again but did feel rejected and like myself and my dcs weren't enough to keep them here, but it has been quite nice. Okay so no babysitting but lots of adventures.
Book a holiday to go and see them asap, imagine long summers in France.
I'm off to Hong Kong tomorrow with the 3 dcs and meeting my DH in 5 weeks in Thailand, 3weeks then home. I would never have done tat if my parents didn't emigrate.

tiredemma Wed 09-Jul-08 14:10:04

I understand you feelings.

I was inconsolable when I discovered that my father had the audacity to sell the family home (that I had moved out of 10 years before!) and go and live with his new wife.

I behaved like a seven year old.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 09-Jul-08 14:11:43

I agree with twelvelegs there is an inevitable feeling of 'Are we not enough to stay around for' particularly if (like me) people are it for you rather than place; I know for sure that I am not capable of moving hundreds or thousands of miles away from my 'people'

however I think there can be positives and as twelve says, it can lead to lovely enriching trips for you and the kids

But I still understand exactly why you feel the way you do.

Twelvelegs Wed 09-Jul-08 14:14:21

For my parents it meant my DFs end salary will give him a much better pension and so I couldn't complain. Although my poor mother living in a land where women of her age aren't seen out and western men are treated like kings!!

lulumama Wed 09-Jul-08 14:15:16

i would be devastated if mine moved too.....but then yes there are perks! you ANBU, i thikn when you have good close relationship with your parents you don;t want to have to think about them not being round the corner or down the road. mind you, my sister lives in London, and it is quicker to get to spain to see ILS than to get to London due to the appalling traffic! so even being in the same country not always easy

get Skype phones

harpsichordcarrier Wed 09-Jul-08 14:15:54

sad no I am with you
I think it is sad when gp's choose to move away from their grandchildren. I would never move more than a couple of hours away from my family unless I had absolutely no choice.

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:17:08

I understand your feelings, my folks are in France and it's a bugger to get there, especially if you are travelling with kids and I work too and have very little holiday to take each year. My DP can't abide going and being cooped up with them so it's buggered up our family holidays. My mum's has now got dementia (she's french speaking), my dad (can't speak a word of french) has had a heart attack and just had triple heart bypass on his own in a french speaking hospital, my mum kept losing him and couldn't find him and thought he died and I was unable to help as my dd was sick. Sorry but I think their daft, no family support and not seeing the people that are closest to them like their grandchildren. When they do come over for an extended visit they have to stay with us and it's really overcrowded and difficult as we both work and have childcare. It's all well and good when you're as fit as a lop and travel back and forth but to be honest I take a dim view of it. The stress of moving back now would just finish off my folks.

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:19:53

Ok and finally I have to go over now, take unpaid leave in the middle of housing renovations and my car expiring and pay a fortune for a flight in peak season and be in really uncomfortable heat with my dd... when all me and dp want is a week on a Greek Island together. Rant over ..

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:22:11

..well not quite .. my inlaws have a house inn spain and want us all to go there too, well they can bugger off I have enough on visiting my own folks. My poor dd only sees them once a year in passing..

IndigoMoon Wed 09-Jul-08 14:22:37

its hard my fil moved back to ireland a few years ago and we were allll verry sad.

there are positives though as we have nice holidays. when he comes to stay with us it is really good quality time with the grandchildren and dd loves him very much. ds is only one but seems to recognise him and takes to him very quickly once we see him.

as it is fil wishes he had never done it but at the moment we cannot get him back over and finacially he is much much better off in ireland.

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:23:31

on the plus side wine is wonderful, swimming in the med is great and the healthcare system is numero uno or numereau un.

suwoo Wed 09-Jul-08 14:24:00

We are booked to go for 2 weeks in August and again for 5 days in Oct. We will be going for at least a week at Christmas too. They announced it just after DS was born, which made it all the worse really. I know its their life and they will be more comfortable in their retirement (they are 55 and 60) but it doesn't make it any easier for me. We speak every day on the phone and will continue to do so and will get webcams etc. I have been avoiding my mums call today as feeling like a stroppy child.

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:27:13

Well it will only be good for them in their retirement if they don't need any help or support. My parents declined very quickly. Since being over their my dad has had prostate cancer, melanoma, numerous hernia operations and a triple heart bypass, my mum has dementia. My mum can't drive and my dad can't speak french. Good luck to them I hope they stay fit and healthy for a long time.

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:28:41

I also had a very sick child and had to take 6 months off work, I had to manage alone in very stressful circumstances without any support from them either.

morningpaper Wed 09-Jul-08 14:31:27


I have family abroad and we don't really see them; including GP who maybe spend 2 days of quality time with the children per year - I think it's a real shame

suwoo Wed 09-Jul-08 14:33:53

I sense your resentment rebelmum wink. The childcare isn't the biggest issue as I moved 100 miles away when I was 19 anyway, from boring North Wales to the thriving metropolis of Manchester!
The thing that got me yesterday was when my mum said how my dad had got really emotional at his leaving party, leaving all his colleagues. I really just wanted to shout at her, how can they fucking leave me and the DC's then?
I think its hard to be the ones left behind as it were, they are all excited and rightly so, but its me who's left here all sad <<sob>>

Twelvelegs Wed 09-Jul-08 14:38:32

suwoo, Life's an adventure and they won't stop being gps just because they're in France!! Get Skype and a cheap webcam.

suwoo Wed 09-Jul-08 14:41:26

I know twelvelegs. I have been very reasonable lately, I'm just having an emotional day. I'm looking forward to going in August and it will be great for the DC's as they get older. I would have been more excited had it been Spain wink.

Twelvelegs Wed 09-Jul-08 14:43:21

YANBU, feelings are feelings!!

rebelmum1 Wed 09-Jul-08 14:45:43

Resentful? Me? they left the cat too and the tortoise, ,They didn't give the tortoise's new owner instructions not to let it hibernate and it died during it's first winter hibernation. I took the cat in in my second floor flat but had to find a new home for it, they didn't deflee it before bringing it in and it caused a flee infestation .. me? Bitter? angry

hana Wed 09-Jul-08 14:46:14

we have grandparents an ocean away - skyping is great and email too (dd1 who is 6 is just starting to write her own little messages!) Its not ideal but we make the most of it - have to really as it's not going to change anytime soon sad

Cryptoprocta Wed 09-Jul-08 21:17:31

My parents left about 5 years ago for Spain. I was with my current partner then, but didn't get married for another couple of years and I'm just having our first child now.

My mom seemed to be very down when I was organising my wedding, etc. I think she felt left out, but I did think "well, you're the one who left to go abroad". I think it'll be hard when the baby arrives, as she isn't computer literate and will have to make do with mobile phone pics, which is a shame in this day and age.

I remember a week after they left smelling a Sunday morning fry up my husband was preparing and bursting into tears, realising I'd never smell that again in the house I grew up in. In fact, I think that was more upsetting - losing the family home.

It's toughened me up considerably, as I was 22 at the time and the only earner in the relationship. I had to learn to rely on just myself. Sometimes I felt resentful towards my partner as he could go home to his parents any time he wanted to and didn't understand how alone I felt, even though I've got a multitude of siblings.

Love going over there, but can't do it as much as we'd like for financial reasons. Plus you have to book way in advance, as they've always got guests! I get on a lot better with my mom now too, as we were always at loggerheads before.

BronzeNemesis Wed 09-Jul-08 21:23:54

When my parents moved abroad last October it was actually my DH who got all annoyed about how they wouldn't see my children (their gc) grow up. So of course I got all defensive saying that they had looked after me and my brother for years, they had been through some real crap and deserved to do what they wanted to do now. I still get sad that they're not round but I have to just remind myself of my argument with DH and I feel better and thankful that at least I can speak to them occasionally. They're coming to see us for a couple of days in a few weeks and I'm ridiculously excited.

ilovemydog Wed 09-Jul-08 21:28:00

Oh twelevelegs - you're back!

My mother lives in California (where I grew up) and it doesn't matter if it's 2 hours or 200 hours to get to where they are. It isn't close.

But, DP's mother is close by, and she's such hard work. I decided that I don't want distance to affect DCs relationships.

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