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AIBU?

...to think it isn't a human rights issue if some children in a class don't get invited to a birthday party?

104 replies

Midge25 · 03/07/2008 16:37

Hijacking Radio 2 discussion here - sorry if there's already a thread on this. But surely children need to learn that not everybody is going to be their friend/invite them to their party???

OP posts:

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Kewcumber · 03/07/2008 16:40

depends on age and how many aren;t invited. Not sure I'd think it was a valuable learning exercise for a 5 yr old to be told that they were the only person in calss not to be invited.

VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 16:44

It depends.
See SEA's thread about her son not being invited to parties.
It can be really saddening for a child, and their parents.
Of course people are restricted number wise so every child won't get to go to every party but it's still painful for the children.
It's all about playground politics sadly.

Spidermama · 03/07/2008 16:45

My DS3, who's six, in making up his guest list announced, 'I want everyone in my class except X and Y'. I had to make sure a few others fell by the wayside to keep X and Y company.

I think it can hurt, especially girls, but I think it's the fault of these huge, impersonal parties. Why on earth do people invite such a mass of friends? Why not just have ten or fifteen?

These ridiculous mob heavy parties at all sorts of venues with bouncy palaces and village clowns are to blame.

Kids parties have gone insane lately.

Ivegotaheadache · 03/07/2008 16:47

They might need to learn that not everyone is their friend, but it doesn't stop them from being hurt, and it doesn't stop mum from being hurt upset and angry that their child was hurt!

beaniesteve · 03/07/2008 16:49

It is in the country where it happened but only if you hand the invites out in school. The basic idea is that if you come into school with a bunch of invites and hand them out to some kids but not all then you are excluding those kids. It's only an issue when it's on school property, they can do what they like out of school. Seems quite sensible to me.

yvonnek · 03/07/2008 16:49

maybe there's a reason the kids not invited.

my frind had a party for her child and kids in her group from nursery,.

never invited one kid coz it kept biting her dd

Midge25 · 03/07/2008 16:49

Yeah, think these massive parties def don't help.

OP posts:

Spidermama · 03/07/2008 16:53

'It kept biting her dd'?

yvonnek · 03/07/2008 16:54

couldn't remember if he/she?

sorry spider..

40 lines

"i will use correct grammer"

Oblomov · 03/07/2008 16:55

I am confused ? Having a big party where all, but say one child is invited - well thats not o.k. is it ?
But if you just have a small party - ds was 4 and he choose 3 frineds to come along with his cousins and one of my PN group mums dd's that he knows.
All children need to learn that you can't win everything: That you can't be invited to all parties: that not everyone will like you: that you are not good at everything.
they all seem like reasonable 'life lessons' to me.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/07/2008 16:58

Well no, I wouldn't say it's a human rights issue.

I do think it's a consideration for others issue though. Excluding one or two children is not a considerate thing to do.

I think the country concerned has a pretty good track record as regards the quality of life for children.

beaniesteve · 03/07/2008 16:59

like I say - the story is about not taking some invites for some kids into the classroom. It doesn't mean that invites can't be distributed another way. As a person who was often excluded by other kids as a child I personally would have welcomed a rule like this where invites which are not for the whole class are only allowed to be distributed outside the classroom.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/07/2008 16:59

Inviting everyone can be unmanageable. In this case, it was the whole class except two.

nappyaddict · 03/07/2008 17:00

but why should the birthday child have to invite someone they don't get on with just so they and their parents don't feel upset? most people i know just let the kids choose who they want to invite.

beaniesteve · 03/07/2008 17:01

in this case they broke a rule about distributing invites in the classroom.

CountessDracula · 03/07/2008 17:02

dd told me she wanted all but 2 of her class yesterday

I said that was unfair and how would she feel if everyone but her got an invitation. She immediately changed her mind

MsDemeanor · 03/07/2008 17:06

I completely agree that only whole class invites should be given out at school. I think that's completely reasonable. If the invitations are selective then the parents should sort it out between themselves.
I think asking the school to hand out an invitation to all but one or two is basically asking the school to take part in bullying.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/07/2008 17:06

If there are people you don't want to invite, invite fewer people. It is pretty inconsiderate to invite every other child except one. And it's something I want my children to think about.

Greensleeves · 03/07/2008 17:11

I think some parents could be more sensible about supervising their children's decisions about party invitations. Of course a child shouldn't be forced to spend his/her birthday in the company of people she/he loathes, and not everybody can invite a whole class - but sometimes people allow their children to be really insensitive about excluding particular children, and it's very hurtful.

The other day a child in ds1's class was standing in the classroom doorwary with a bushel of invitations to her borthday party - I can't say for sure that it was the whole class she was inviting, it looked like enough invitaions to me, and the three children who went in ahead of us got one. I didn' think ds1 had noticed. That evening I found ds1 making a very elaborate card with lots of very careful writing and love hearts and kisses etc. He'd also decorated an envelope and drawn a stamp on it etc. I asked him who it was for, and he said it was a birthday card for this child in his class. I asked him how he knew it was her birthday and he said that he had seen her giving out invitations. I asked him whether she had given him one (I was fairly sure she hadn't, but I hadn't checked his bookbag after school and I was surprised to see him making her a card if he knew she hadn't, iyswim). He said:

"No, but I still want her to have a nice birthday". He also said "It's a bit strange she didn't invite me, I thought she was one of my best friends. But perhaps she doesn't really like me all that much."

A couple of days later he was saying "People don't really invite me to their parties, I think because they just think I'm not very important and not many people like me really."

Am I being precious in feeling upset about that?

LooMoo · 03/07/2008 17:13

My dd is in a class of 30 and born towards end of school year so we've been invited - or not - to b'day parties by most of the class now; she has been to around 11. I was going to issue return invites to those 11 plus one born sept who's a good friend. I'd love to do a 'class invite' but at nearly £10 pp for an activity centre party (seems de rigeur and I don't have the resources or time to be more creative and do something cheaper) I think the only option is to limit numbers. Other people must have done it to us and I don't feel bad about that, so hope it'll be OK; but I can't help feeling regretful that we can't ask everyone as dd wanted...

MsDemeanor · 03/07/2008 17:13

Your son sounds absolutely gorgeous GS. I feel upset for him too!
The more I think about it the more I think any invitations for non whole-class parties should be a private thing out of school.

LooMoo · 03/07/2008 17:16

Greensleeves just read your post, that is heartbreaking. Not precious at all. Your ds sounds like he has such a generous nature. I hate playground politics!!

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Spaceman · 03/07/2008 17:17

I would be upset Greensleeves if that were my DD; upset enough to want to find out a bit more about the situation. Surely if he thinks he's one of her best friends something's gone awry? Maybe you could speak to the teacher?

2shoes · 03/07/2008 17:19

Greensleeves that is so sad. your ds sounds such a sweetie

Spaceman · 03/07/2008 17:21

And I agree about these impersonal package parties at the local leisure centre or whatever where hundreds of kids get invited. They're all the same; so much so I don't think the birthday kid realises it's their party half the time.

The last one my DD went to she got a photocopied 'Thank you for my gift' slip that didn't even have her name on it or details of the actual toy we gave her.

At my kids parties we sit around and 'do' presents while the guests are there so they can be thanked personally. We also have it at our house and around eight children - just like we had when we were kids.

It's the MacDonald's generation.....

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