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To want to share my broody feelings with dh and for him to understand slightly???!!

(63 Posts)
HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 09:49:58

Ok, we have3 children. Our youngest turns 2 next week and I have been broody for some time now, however recently it is an overwhelming feeling and never felt like this before.

Hubby had a dr's appt. last week to go on the waiting list for the 'snip'!

So, I decided that I better share my feelings and let him know that I really would like to try for number 4 before he has his little op.

Well, he has turned into a grumpy, non communicative, moaner who has gone completely off doing you know what, whereas usually he wants it morning, noon and night.

So, what to do. Basically, he would prefer not to try for number 4 whereas I sooooo want another its unbelievable.

The atmosphere in the house since it was mentioned is very awkward and hubby isn't the best as sitting down with anyone and talking.

youcannotbeserious Wed 18-Jun-08 09:53:20

This could be my DH - Except we've only got one and he's only 4 weeks old!!!! grin

He's adament we aren't having any more and is also finding it easier than I'd imagined not to want sex until he's had the snip...

What was the agreement up to this point? Would a fourth child really make a big difference to your household?

Maybe you could think about freezing a sample - just in case?

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 10:00:44

When we were expecting number 3 I did say that it would be our last. However, I was probably feeling that way cos I had constant morning, noon and night sickness for the first 4 months and so it was quite easy to say no more!

However, everything has changed and I just have this really strong feeling.

A fourth wouldn't make a huge difference to the household really.

Bronze Wed 18-Jun-08 10:02:25

Are you me?

scorpio1 Wed 18-Jun-08 10:07:33

You need to sit him down - take him out, even and tell him how important this is.

I have been here - DH was refusing baby number 3 for 18 months. It meant so much to me that i may have left him. I told him this; i told him i miss a plate,a pair of shoes, a bed.

He got it then, and db3 is now 8 weeks, and we are talking about more!

I think being 'unconventional' frightens them. My dh was worried about finances and a baby, so i wrote out a budget sheet for him.

I would tell him categorically that you do not want him to get the snip. its so final.

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 10:12:36

Lol, it seems we are all feeling the same.

My mum has taken 2 out of our 3 dc's away until Friday so felt this was the perfect time to be sorting this out without too many distractions but we haven't spent an evening together yet!

To talk that is, not anything else! blush

youcannotbeserious Wed 18-Jun-08 10:12:50

I suppose your DH might be thinking that if he agrees to a fourth, you might want a fifth!!

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice, because I don't think I have a cat in hells chance of persuading my DH to have another child (short of me winning the lottery!!!)

BagelBird Wed 18-Jun-08 10:22:48

IS there a possibility your overwhelming feelings are tied up with the fact that DH has now made such a permanent decision as going for the snip? The finality of this might be clouding/enhancing your emotions about your feelings towards another child. However, equally, if could just have been enough of a trigger to make you realise that you are desperate for more. I sympathise - it is hard to be totally rational about something so emotional and instinctive.
However, thinking from your DH’s perspective, you have 3 children, always agreed to stop at 3. Here he is having come to terms with a tough choice and taken that emotional leap to sterilisation.. only to have you suddenly turn the tables on it all by throwing this emotional spanner in the works... I think his reaction is pretty understandable as he could well be thrown into a lot of emotional headspin too.
He only way you are both going to work this through is by having some time and a lot of open discussion. Can I suggest that you suggest he at least postpones the snip until you both have time to talk this through fully. If he rushes ahead now without your full support and agreement it could be a disaster for your relationship. Regardless of your final choice, I think that talking with him and having the time and space for you both to think, be honest with yourselves and each other is the only way forward.
Do ask yourself - are you feeling like this because of the idea that it is a "now or never" type feeling due to the imminent snip or is it a need for a fourth child with the thought of the snip helping you to focus your emotions? If you have 4 and DH was going for a snip, what would be different then from now?

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 10:23:37

He is already in the list for the snip so if we have a fourth he would have had the op done before I can even decide on a fifth!

I was going to plan a nice evening tonight but he is going out now.

2point4kids Wed 18-Jun-08 11:27:25

Its fair enough that you feel differently about such a big matter, but I would be really pissed off at his refusal to talk to you about it.
Tell him that you are really unhappy with him avoiding you when you have an idesal opportunity for some time to yourself and that you insist he has a nice evening with you and to talk through your issues.
If you dont talk it through then it will build up a resentment and could lead to problems.

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 11:31:23

It is already leading to problems as since I have mentioned it he has avoided 'the deed' where as usually he wants it every night! Also, we moan about everything that doesn't need to be moaned about but it is the mood that we are in over this unresolved issue.

He is unsure if he is going out tonight as intended but he said if not, he is going somewhere else instead. Its frustrating as it is sooooo just trying to get out of the house and to not have to talk.

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 11:37:14

Bagelbird, only just seen ure post, sorry!

Basically, I told hubby the other day to go to the doctors to ask to be on the waiting list for the op. I have been broody for about 6 mths but not as much as I am feeling now. His doctor did say that it could be up to a year before it goes ahead.

I thought that if he definately doesn't want anymore then he has to go and see his doc to get it sorted. I didn't think that it would be a year waiting list and was hoping that it would be done in the very near future and then the decision would be taken out of my hands and I wouldn't have a choice.

If he had had it done after baby number 3 then I would obviously still be broody now but know that it couldn't happen and it would probably be fine. However, cos it hasn't been done and I know there is the opportunity to have number 4 before the op then I really want to.

Hope that all makes sense. blush

youcannotbeserious Wed 18-Jun-08 11:41:39

why doesn't he want another one?

for my dh, it is because he wants to stop work at some point - he already has 2 daughters and is mid 40s now so i understand his concerns.

i'm younger and if i could finance another child would def have one... but dh is the breadwinner and i don't want to work grin

does your dh have a specific reason?

TheHedgeWitch Wed 18-Jun-08 12:05:02

Message withdrawn

scorpio1 Wed 18-Jun-08 12:09:50

why do men do this? really am curious. DH would have been happy with one...we have 4 between us now and i think i will have 1 more. aftermore persuasion....

has he given you a reason?

youcannotbeserious Wed 18-Jun-08 13:09:47

Yeah... I def. have another one, but I do appreciate that DH doesn't want one.

To be fair, we've already compromised on one, so I shouldn't complain...

Someone said it's got to do with hormones and that's probably why women are more up for it than men!!

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 13:11:56

Dh says he doesn't have enough time to spend with the children he already has. However, he spends Saturday mornings having a lie in which can be anything from an 11am rise right up to a 2pm rise. Its not that he hasn't got time, he just chooses to do more important things with his time like lie in.

I will just point out that the 2pm rise is after going out the night before and spending £70 on an alcohol fuelled night out with his mates, again priorities is my 'it word' for him at the moment.

However he does sometimes sleep in rather late even if he hasn't been out the night before.

cazcaz Wed 18-Jun-08 13:29:49

We are in the same situation.

DH mid forties with children from a previous marriage. Me younger than him and with two children together. I had an unplanned pregnancy a few months ago which sadly ended in mc, and since then I can't get babymaking out of my mind! I am so broody!

DH is a fab dad but is not keen for more as his family is complete and doesn't want to stretch us any further financially. DS2 has special needs and has spent alot of his life in hospital so thats another consideration.

I can see, (and agree with) all of his reasons for no more but cannot get rid of this feeling that I will regret not having another.

I hope you manage to get it resolved happynewyearfeet.

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 13:35:29

Thanks cazcaz. Sorry to hear about your mc.

My dh is only 30 (I'm 29) so we are still both young. Our 3 children we have now are 11 yrs, nearly 4yrs and 2 yrs.

Twelvelegs Wed 18-Jun-08 13:39:10

Mine was the same and wanted dc3 to be our last, but with an active sex life and no contraception No.4 arrives in November!!
My dh went quiet because I think he thought if we didn't talk about it I couldn't talk him round!!
Hormones go crazy at the 2 year mark, I'm sure, as our bodies are ready for another and the baby stage is over.
Could you do a little financial plan and practical stuff and then talk again??

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 13:42:41

Hi twelvelegs, ours was active until I mentioned no. 4, lol!!

My dh sounds exactly the same about going quiet. I have decided to tell him to stay in tonight and talk through everything. We already have all of the baby stuff so don't need to buy anything in that respect.

Hopefully he will talk tonight and not go all moody etc...

branflake81 Wed 18-Jun-08 14:02:19

I think YABU to expect him to want more children. It is his decision as much as yours and you can't and shoudn't force him into something he doesn't want to.

I agree that you need to discuss this in an adult fashion but imho you have three children and whilst you might not feel your family is complete, it IS and if your DP doesn't want any more, then so be it. It would be far worse to have an unwanted baby.

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 14:04:35

Oh I agree branflake. However, we still need to have the discussion and a good sit down talk which is the one thing that hasn't happened yet.

We need to sort through a few things and really lay down both sides of it all and until that is done we are both feeling a bit on edge about it all and need to iron everything out.

Twelvelegs Wed 18-Jun-08 14:05:04

It's a classic bury the head in the sand approach. I don't think men get the broodiness and how overwhelming it is. My dh would say things like 'Haven't we got enough?' 'Why do you need more?' 'I thought we had a lovely family just how it is.' Kind of making me feel like I didn't love the children we've got enough and that's why I needed more.
Best of luck, I will cross my fingers.

HappyNewYearFeet06 Wed 18-Jun-08 14:12:02

He has said exactly that twelvelegs! Have you been listening in!

I certainly love my children to pieces but am now feeling that our family would openly welcome a new member. Iam certainly not trying to replace theone's wealready havewhich is what he suggested the other day!

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