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At my wits end

(51 Posts)
upsydizzy Sun 08-Jun-08 22:53:50

I'm sorry my first post is so depressing, but I just don't have anyone for support. My dp is completely unreasonable in terms of helping out. Rarely changes nappies, (6 in 5 months) doesn't help with feeds, and spends all his time out with friends. In the mean time, I'm trying to cope with a colicky baby without the support of friends or family.I'm still reasonably new in my area, and don't know many people and the few people I do know with children have enough issues with their own children without me crying on their shoulder. I think I've got post natal depression, but have been talked out of being diagnosed by the other half who insists it means our ds will be taken into care. I've got insomnia, and am often awake til 4 am, and tonight in particular, I am struggling. All day, nothing has seemed to help settle my son. He doesn't have a temperature, and has no signs of being ill, and his constant grizzling, as of 2pm this afternoon with the exception of his naps finally got to me enough, and with him thrusting about so much that I nerly dropped him, that I smacked him. Not hard, just a tap, but I'm just so angry and disgusted at myself. He's 5 months old, and I'm a grown woman. I should know better. I'm sorry to have to let this all out here, but I need to get it out somewhere. I now feel like I don't deserve to be a mother

Madlentileater Sun 08-Jun-08 22:55:56

Hi upsy, sorry I can't reply in full, have to go but I'm sure someone helpful will be along soon. Hang on in there!

stuffedaubergine Sun 08-Jun-08 22:59:01

I'm off too but will not read and run. You need to get to the GP for PND, it certainly shouldn't mean your children will be taken away from you -- my sister had it diagnosed. If you've smacked your 5mo you need help (nb not judging but you it shows how you really are at the end of your resources).

I think you need to get to your GP as quickly as possible. When you start to feel better you'll be able to address all the issues with your dp more positively. It's wrong for him to be so absent when you are so troubled.

rubylou Sun 08-Jun-08 22:59:47

you will not get your child taken away if u have pnd you will get help. i felt very much the same when had first son. new area etc but if you ever feel like smaking him again just put he down somewhere safe and walk away for a few moments. being a mum is hard work but remember you are the best mum in the world to him

stuffedaubergine Sun 08-Jun-08 23:00:27

And stop thinking you don't deserve to be a mother my love. You need some time, and some sleep, and some help. It's tough even when you've got full on support and a helping partner. I'm so sad for what you're going through.

funnypeculiar Sun 08-Jun-08 23:02:01

bumping for others more qualified to help you than me, but please, PLEASE don't think that if you get a PND diagnosis that means your children will be taken into care - half of the mn kids would be in care if that was the case smile
It sounds like you are in a really hard situation - asking for some help is a bloody sensible thing to do.

Mn don't do hugs much, so here's some chocolatecake instead smile

stuffedaubergine Sun 08-Jun-08 23:02:23

Ruby's advice is very good, if you know he's fed, and changed and safe -- put him in his room, in his cot, close the door, make a cup of tea and wash your face and take a deep breath. The frustration will ease off a little.

stuffedaubergine Sun 08-Jun-08 23:03:05

I've got to go. Take care upsydizzy.

MarmadukeScarlet Sun 08-Jun-08 23:03:11

I think you need to go to your GP and ask for help.

If your partner is so concerned about your LO being taken into care, then perhaps he should offer you a little more support.

Speak to your health visitor perhaps, ask her to give you info on your local 'Home Start' - a charity that supports parents by offering practical help.

If your LO is grizzly maby colic or reflux are to blame has your GP given you any help on this, I went to see a cranial osteopath with mine, like different children afterwards. Perhaps your DS is teething (I can't remember what happens at 5 months too long ago - sorry)

Take a deep breath and ask for help, you sound like you need a break.

Good luck

nametaken Sun 08-Jun-08 23:03:54

Hi just wanted to say there's no way your dc will be taken away from you just because you've been diagnosed with post-natal depression. Think about it. How on earth would social services even know?

You sound as though you need help desparately. Please see your GP tomorrow.

Love2bake Sun 08-Jun-08 23:04:21

Yes agree you need to go and see a GP or maybe you could talk to a health Visitor. If you have PND, it's not your fault.

Does your DP know how bad you are feeling?

findtheriver Sun 08-Jun-08 23:04:42

You won't feel like this forever. that's the first thing you have to believe. This is a really tough time, especially being new to the area and not having support networks. You are not doing anything wrong, and what you feel has been experienced by thousands of women before you, who are good mothers. You MUST see your GP. That's the first step. It sounds like there's a lot of work to be done in improving things with your partner, and that will take time, but at least if you can get some help, get some sleep and start to feel physically better, then you will feel more able to tackle the other issues. And keep talking on MN - there are lots of people on here who can help too.

onepieceoflollipop Sun 08-Jun-08 23:04:46

I work with a lot of women who are diagnosed with pnd. The children are never removed unless there are other issues involved as well.

Please get help - if not from your GP then your health visitor.

Insomnia is awful.

Having a little one to look after is always hard, and how much more so with no real support and a dp who is making things so very difficult for you. sad

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. Do you have family that you could perhaps go and stay with to get some breathing space?

If you can face it try and get out and meet other mums in a similar position. Perhaps try your local NCT branch, there may be a Bumps and Babies Group or ask your HV to suggest places/groups.

eenybeeny Sun 08-Jun-08 23:05:15

Please go see the GP - your son will not be taken away from you. I was treated for PND.

Also you do not have to tell your GP every little detail about your illness in order to get your point across (that you need help!) i.e. you do not have to disclose about the smacking. Say what you are comfortable with saying to ensure they understand.

Your partner is being a twat. He needs to be there for you and your baby. Going out with friends all the time is not something a grown man with responsibilities does when their partners/mothers of their children are struggling so badly. He needs a wake up call. Perhaps you seeing your GP will be it.

If you want to talk to someone who has been through very severe PND you can email me - senatorvass at gmail dot com

I would like to tell you that with support and treatment there is another side to this and you will come out of it. I have a 22 month old son who I could not be closer to if I tried he is everything to me and he also loves me very much in return. We have a great relationship. But the early days were hard.

stuffedaubergine Sun 08-Jun-08 23:05:20

Well not quite gone. If you burst into tears in the GPs surgery don't worry about it. A lot of mums have done it! And telling someone will probably make it all burst out.

harpsichordcarrier Sun 08-Jun-08 23:05:51

upsydizzy I am so sorry you are having a hard time.
I think you have PND too, and I think you should go to the GP tomorrow and see what help you can get.
OF COURSE this won't mean your child will be taken into care but you know that.
important too to link into local support networks.
where are you? are there mumsnetters near you?
you are doing very well - a colicky baby is a very very difficult thing to cope with.
try and be kind to yourself.
what are you going to do tomorrow?
sending love, HC xx

micci25 Sun 08-Jun-08 23:05:59

im wioth you on the oh not helping. mine has bathed our one year old twice in her life!!! and since she has bveen born he has bought her two packs of nappies and a pair of booties! and that is it.

seeking treatment for depression will not mean that you baby will be taken away from you. its something that you really need to do. and once you do get treatment and start feeling better i strongly suggest that you get rid of said other half! because he is a complete utter twit! i thought mine was bad untill i read that! he is actually encouraging you not to get help when you are feeling so low.

every one finds it hard to cope at times especially when the babies are younger and they have no support from thier arseholes other halfs! it will get easier.

you do deserve to be a mother, dont ever tell yourself that you dont.

PeaGreene Sun 08-Jun-08 23:06:51

You will not have your child taken away for having post natal depression. Your DP is being totally unreasonable for not helping out more. You're a grown capable woman struggling with a very difficult situation. Insomnia can drive you potty, especially on top of a colicky baby who cries constantly. Feel so sorry for you.

Talk to the GP about it - pnd can be tackled. And Mumsnet is always here if you just want a rant or a specific question answered. You absolutely deserve to be a mother, there are 100s around here who have struggled in the same way and have got through it.

eenybeeny Sun 08-Jun-08 23:08:39

yes where are you? a lot of us know each other in RL and might be able to help. I am in North Essex. Near Colchester.

itsMYmummy Sun 08-Jun-08 23:08:52

Upsydizzy, please, please,please take it from me that your son WILL NOT be taken into care if you speak to your health visitor or doctor in regards to how you feel.
What you need now more than anything else is support which unfortunately it does'nt look like your recieving from your Dp.
I felt very similar to how you feel after the birth of my second dc, insomnia, self-loathing, agrophobia, except I had the support of my DH.
Please upsydizzy, seek support from somewhere, you know how you felt after tapping your son, and these feelings are unlikely to just go away without talking about things. Well done for making the first steps to share how you feel, you owe it to yourself and ds to get better. xxx

upsydizzy Sun 08-Jun-08 23:10:35

Thank you all. He's had all the symptoms of teething for about 2 months now, only with no flushed cheeks. He's had colic since he was about 3 weeks, and has always been a clingy baby. I'm phoning my gp in the morning. I'm just so angry at myself. But kinda angry at the other half for hardly being there. I've had to cope with mastitis and on my first night home after having my son, my dp disappeared down the pub. I just feel like he's let me down and in turn I've let my ds down

rubylou Sun 08-Jun-08 23:10:53

some times just talking about it can help i rember going to baby clinic and saying i was so scared that i was going to hurt my baby because i was so stressed. and just saying it felt better i was helped and they did nt talk him off me you will not be jugded just helped

eenybeeny Sun 08-Jun-08 23:11:55

yes I would like to correct myself in that it doesnt sound like you smacked it sounds more like what itsMYmummy says you tapped. And you know what. A lot of very loving mothers have done that when they are so far into this illness.

sleepymommy Sun 08-Jun-08 23:11:56

Hi, I really feel for you, first babies are hard enough with support. The tap in itself will not have done your baby any harm, so don't beat yourself up. However, I would take it as a sign that you need to get help from somewhere. You will not have your baby taken away for having PND. This is an illness, and needs treatment. You wouldn't ignore a bleeding wound, so don't ignore this. Try to see your GP or HV tomorrow. You may also get some advice for your DP. he seems very misinformed,to put it kindly. I have to go now, but please, give yourself a break.You need support. You're a good mom trying to do your best, and your child will appreciate this.

rubylou Sun 08-Jun-08 23:13:18

where are u? i am north yorkshire near york if you ever want to meet up.

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