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Now I know how you all love a good child-free wedding rant....

(169 Posts)
ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo Fri 02-May-08 08:58:44

My dear ol' brother is getting married in 4 weeks time. He is having a child-free wedding. I have no problems with this. It is his wedding, he can have a clown theme if that's what he so desires. Not my wedding, not my choice. The wedding has been planned for a year. I did have some concerns as I have a bf baby who I was reluctant to leave. DB assures me all along that they don't mean babies, just children. I have asked several times just to make sure and each time he has said that bringing dd is fine. Lovely, we've bought her a dress and dh has taken time off work.

Last night db phoned and said they've changed their mind and dd can't come. Okay, still their wedding, they make their own choices but with 4 weeks to go I'm slightly peeved. I have tried to find a babysitter to no avail. All usual babysitters will be at the wedding and the only other option- the ILs- are on holiday. I explained this to db quite rationally and calmly this morning, said I was very sorry that I couldn't find arrangements for dd and could I just sit at the back of the church with dd for the ceremony at least? I don't want to miss my brother's wedding. The answer was no. No children. Apart from their own bf baby who's only a couple of months younger than my own dd.

All of the above isn't really what has made me cross. What has riled me beyond all imagination is the fact that db is no longer talking to me because I 'refuse to attend his wedding'.

So come on then. I dare you to call me unreasonable...

JodieG1 Fri 02-May-08 09:00:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If he wants you there then he should let you take your baby.

NotQuiteCockney Fri 02-May-08 09:00:38

That's complete madness.

Is there nobody else in the family who can maybe intercede?

Is he generally this ... difficult?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beansmum Fri 02-May-08 09:01:42

Is there something else going on here? He is being totally stupid.

littlelapin Fri 02-May-08 09:01:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

constancereader Fri 02-May-08 09:02:22

yanbu
is this out of character for him?

NotQuiteCockney Fri 02-May-08 09:02:22

I suspect maybe his wife, or someone else, is making the case against other babies being there, and he's presenting a united (if arseholish) front?

UniversallyChallenged Fri 02-May-08 09:02:52

He sounds like a groomzilla to me - how annoying for you. I think he is BU, you dont sound it to me

spicemonster Fri 02-May-08 09:04:05

I agree with mmj. He's being a tosser. And how weird to bring his own baby (ie to know what it's like to have a bf baby) and have no empathy for you.

RubySlippers Fri 02-May-08 09:04:18

you aren't being unreasonable

your brother is being deeply silly

Groomzilla is an apt description

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquonkTheBeerGuru Fri 02-May-08 09:04:41

YANBU.

But you know, anyone can go to church. You don't need an invite. You could just turn up, sit at the back as you suggested and there's nothing he can do about it.

ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo Fri 02-May-08 09:04:53

Very diplomatic NQC. Yes, difficult. I like that. He likes to make fairly irrational demands and then sulk when they are not acceded to by all.

I am reluctant to involve the rest of the family as I think knowing db, this is a situation that could spiral and he may well end up not talking to several family members who may diplomatically and considerately try to point out my dilemma.

It's all so silly isn't it?

RubySlippers Fri 02-May-08 09:06:19

his wife to be is going to have to deal with his ridiculous behaviour on a daily basis

console yourself with that thought

Hassled Fri 02-May-08 09:06:35

Can you talk to the bride? With a BF baby of her own she might be more likely to be talked around.

Mungarra Fri 02-May-08 09:06:39

YANBU. How can he expect you to leave a breastfed baby? They actually have a baby of their own so he doesn't even have the excuse of not understanding about babies.

Hopefully when the wedding is over, he'll get his sense of perspective back and be more reasonable. Weddings make some people crazy.

McDreamy Fri 02-May-08 09:06:45

Poor you, what a fool he is!

My DB and his finace asked my 4 year old daughter to be bridesmaid at their wedding in September when they got engaged a year ago and apparently a few weeks ago they announced at a family dinner (we couldn't make it) that she has decided not to have any bridesmaids! shock I haven't told DD yet, she is going to be so gutted! sad

yurt1 Fri 02-May-08 09:07:07

God he's a groomzilla

I was going to suggest a parent intervening or something but I see the dilemma.

Does this mean you can't go at all, or are you allowed to have the baby at the reception?

miamla Fri 02-May-08 09:08:28

from my experinece weddings bring out the worse in people. your brother is stressed, perhaps questioning the whole marriage thing and is taking out on you.

try not to get too many RL people involved otherwise its going to seem to your DB that you're making them choose sides.

DB needs to know exactly what the problem is, in a calm way. Would it be possible to email him instead of phoning?

perhaps you do need to get your mum involved but be careful, DB might choose her as next victim if its obvious your mum is on your side

just an idea but could you talk to future SIL? she's in exactly the same situation as you re BFing so perhaps she could talk to DB on your behalf?

ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo Fri 02-May-08 09:09:03

I think it's dw to be that has imposed the new sanctions.

Would now be a good time to point out to him that he dropped out of dh's stag night (a meal and a few drinks) at the last minute because he 'didn't feel like it', went out anyway with a friend, got so drunk he passed out and was so hungover at our wedding he fell asleep during the ceremony?

I love him. He's very different to me. I'm reasonable, he isn't. I do want to share his day with him though and he's the only db I've got.

DH has the day off work, dd has a lovely dress. I think we'll just drop a present in to him and his new dw, wish him well and have a family day out.

Hecate Fri 02-May-08 09:09:25

I think you should say to him "I WANT to come, I would LOVE to come. I have tried to find childcare, but I have been unable to. I can't leave X on her own and I can't go up to a stranger and pass her over for the day and everyone else is coming to the wedding or has said no. I don't have the money to hire someone for the day - I just can't afford it and still eat that week! What do you advise me to do with X? I'm hoping you've got some good thoughts on it. If you can come up with an idea, I would be really grateful, because I can't think of anything and I'm upset because I want to be there so much. You're my brother and I love you and I want to share this special day with you."

Howw do you get on with his soon-to-be-wife? Could you explain to her that it would break your heart to miss their wedding, but with the short notice and no babysitters available you can't see how you can attend.

Even if she is being a bridezilla, hearing you say the words rather than your brother's shortened version, "She won't come without the baby.", might offer up a solution.

Explain that if you were at the back and dd cried you'd leave immediately. And labour the point of how special their big day is to you.

Would that be possible or is she completely unapproachable?

miamla Fri 02-May-08 09:11:54

that's it! exactly what Hecate just said!

AlistairSim Fri 02-May-08 09:12:04

YABU.

How dare you ruin their perfect day by daring to want to take your invited baby?

Just leave her at home alone and get drunk.

shock
shock

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