Advanced search

to think that clealry someone ^upstairs^ hates me, and to want to just curl up and die

(54 Posts)
Reallystruggling Mon 21-Apr-08 20:08:27

I know that i will be flamed by some and quite frankly i just dont feel strong enough to hear it, so i have namechanged.

I am not coping financially.

I left an abusive partner and as a result have had to claim benefits.
XP ran up loads of debts in my name after i left and before i realised and cancelled all accounts in my name.

I recently sold my car to use the money to pay off some of the debts that meant i had bailiffs hammering my door down at daft o clock in the morning.

I need a car as my Ds has Sn and his school is about 4 miles away. although he can physically walk (so we don't qualify for mobility car) he is easily distracted, he finds the noise of being near main roads very distressing and its basicly very dangerous...especially as i also have a 3.8 year old to contend with.

I bought a very cheap old banger, but the tax and MOt ran out at the begining of this month. I get my child benefit tomorrow which was going to pay for the MOT and DS's DLA money comes in next week which would have paid for the Tax.
(please no lectures on the fact that the DLA money should be spent on DS, i feel guilty enough)

I know that it was illegal to have kept it on teh road until then but i simply didn't have the money to pay for it prior to that...i had already had to save to buy the car.

I just went outside and there is a bloody great clamp on it. i rang teh number and they want £200 by 3pm tomorrow or they tale the car.

They will have to take the car. I simply don't have the money.

This has all come on top of a birtish gas cock up that has left me oweing them over £700, DS breaking the washing machine door which will cost £80 to fix, a half term that has been awful as we simply havent had any money to do anything other than a couple of trips to the park in horrid weather.....and at least 3/4 letters from debt collection agencies every single day.

I just do not know how much more i can take of this.
I do honestly think that sometimes we would be better off if i gave the kids to their dad so that i can go to work and get us straight.

but the fact i am crying my eyes out at just typing that tells me that i could never do it.

I know IABU, and that it is my own fault that im in this mess but i just wanted to have a rant somewhere.
DD has already caught me crying and asked why.

TurkeyLurkey Mon 21-Apr-08 20:12:50

Blimey, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You shouldn't have posted this in AIBU because you are not and I don't imagine anyone will come on here and tell you that you are.

Well done for leaving an abusive partner by the way.

TheArmadillo Mon 21-Apr-08 20:13:16

It sounds an awful lot for one person to cope with.

HAve you been and got advice about your debts? From CAB or similar? Debts are unbelievably stressful - especially when you have just escaped an abusive relationship and with everything else.

Depending on how much debt you are in maybe you could look at an IVA or similar. It could help keep the baliffs and letters away.

It is not your fault - it is that of your bastard ex.

Write it all down and start from there.

hecate Mon 21-Apr-08 20:13:29

oh heck, you poor thing. No flaming from me, my dear. I know how bad things can get and just what you'll do when desperate. (trust me on that)

You need some advice, can you telephone or go to the CAB? Is there no family member who could help you out? No way to get a crisis loan from social services?

British gas is easier, you will have to come to a repayment arrangement, again, CAB is good to negotiate with them if they try to be difficult.

If your son has sn, you could try the Family Fund, they give grants to families click here

You need to take a deep breath and try to clear your head. You will sink if you try to see this as one big thing. Try to break it down into bite size pieces.

Broodybabywannabe Mon 21-Apr-08 20:13:47

aw it isnt your fault, not at all, ring someone speak to someone you need help x

SheWillBeLoved Mon 21-Apr-08 20:15:13

You need to sit down with every debt collection letter or outstanding bill you have, and one by one, call them. Explain your situation and tell them you simply cannot pay the debts off in one go, and if they want their money, you're going to have to come to an agreement in terms of a payment plan. They cannot by law refuse this. Make sure it's the minimum you can afford. It will take longer to pay off, but at least the letters/bailiffs will stop, and you'll have some spare cash as you won't be paying huge amounts off.

Infact, i'd even be tempted to get XP's details and pass them on to the debt collection agencies.

Good luck with everything. I know it's a struggle when things are tight but you'll get through it if it kills you, you'll see smile

hecate Mon 21-Apr-08 20:15:33

also, if your debt is that bad with no prospect of paying it back, you should seriously consider bankruptcy. It is NOT the end of the world and can in fact be a very big relief.

nancy75 Mon 21-Apr-08 20:16:31

hi, when you rang about the car did you explain your situation?
if there is anyway you can prevent them taking the car i would do it because i think once they take it they charge you for every day they are 'storing' it and i think it costs a fortune.

re your british gas bill, there is a little know charity that is run by some of the major energy companies that can sometimes help with your bills if you are in dire need - 6k

i cant do links so copy and paste the web address!

in some cases they will pay off your whole bill, the forms are quite long to fill in, but once you have applied for help the energy co suspends your bill, so even if you get turnded down for help it still buys you some time.

i hope this is some help

hecate Mon 21-Apr-08 20:17:50

pantiesandsussies Mon 21-Apr-08 20:18:17

Its your ex dp fault can you not go to cab and ask them how to get your exp to pay for HIS debts. Could you ask for a crisis loan from the dhs. Have you thought of asking the Family Fund Trust for help with the washing machine here Have you had ds dla reviewed by your paed to see if he should be on a higher rate. Have you enquired about bankruptcy. Have you enquired about a gas card/electric key/water cards etc? Have you thought if the kids go to their dads you will have to give him csa. Does He give you enough maintainance.

nancy75 Mon 21-Apr-08 20:18:47

thank you hecate, one day i will learn!

gagarin Mon 21-Apr-08 20:23:21

There isd help out there - go to this website. It's a charity - not trying to sell you a crap loan. They have been very helpful wiht a friend of mine and managed to get some of her debt written off and the rest have agred to stop sending the horrid letters. She pays an agreed amount each month.

Pleae phone them tomorrow

Call 0800 138 1111 free
Monday to Friday 8am-8pm*

You can sort this mess out.

justabouta Mon 21-Apr-08 20:23:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reallystruggling Mon 21-Apr-08 20:28:29

Thank you nancy. i have never heard of that so i will get in touch with them asap.

although it was my ex that caused the debts he did it all in my name. i tried getting him done for fraud as obviously i didnt sign anything but apparantly i would have a very weak case as he could just claim that it wasn't him at all it was me and that im just trying to get out of teh debt.

i don't have anyone i can borrow the money from. my family are just as skint as me.

I have spoken to the CAB about my debts. i cant have an IVA as they neeed a minimum input of £200 a month which i simply cannot afford.
I could make a debt repayment plan but 2 of my main creditors have stated that they are under no obligation to stop charging me interest and they would continue to do so, the inetrest would be more than i am paying.

CAB have said that bankrupcy is probably my only option but i am still trying to research this as i dont want it to affect any possibility of me returning to work.

Crisis loan wont pay out for the car to be unclamped as it is not seen as a life threatening problem.

Family fund take yonks and i doubt they would be able to get me a car (though will investigate, i am getting to the stage where pride is gone and i am not too shy to beg)

I know i sound really ungratefull and very negative but its just all got on top of me and this last thing has just pushed me under.

I am always seen as this really strong person who can cope with everything, i hate admiting that i am not coping.

edam Mon 21-Apr-08 20:29:59

Blimey reallystruggling, you've got 10 times what most people have to cope with. You have no need to apologise.

Agree follow the advice here. And look after yourself a bit - fight any negative thoughts and just concentrate on getting through this rough patch. Things will get better if you use this advice.

Who clamped the car - is it the council? If so, phone them up and tell them you have a disabled son and simply do not have the money to pay - offer to show them your bills and bank statements if they don't believe you and tell them you are going to CAB to try to sort the situation out. You could also try your councillor.

Reallystruggling Mon 21-Apr-08 20:34:16

no it was the DVLA.
I rang the number given and got a rather snooty woman who just kept repeating that i had tp pay the £200 by 3pm or the car would be removed. she said once it hasd been paid they would unclamp the car and i could write and appeal.

All very well but i don't have the £200 or anyway of getting it by 3pm tomorrow.

hecate Mon 21-Apr-08 20:36:25

Bankruptcy won't stop you getting a job in the future. I think there are restrictions on you having a job that involves handling money while you are bankrupt, but you'd need to check that out.

national debtline talk to these people.

here's their info on it

You could also say to your creditors that you cannot pay and advise them to have you declared bankrupt - that way you don't have to pay the fee.

nancy75 Mon 21-Apr-08 20:36:34

a budgeting loan from the the dss or whatever its called takes 2 weeks for them to process from reciept of you application, i think you can borrow about £800 from them and pay it back, interest free out of your benefits (they usually take about £10 per week i think) i know this is not going to sort out the car situation but could it pay off a debt that you are paying interest on at the moment? if so then that saves you money in the long run.

re the car - what have they said they will do? take it and crush it or keep it until you can pay for it to be released?

As for the british gas thing my friend was in a similar situation to you, fuckwit partner meant to have been paying the bills, he was just hiding the letters, he left her with nearly £2000 debt for gas and electic and this charity cleared the lot.

Lauriefairycake Mon 21-Apr-08 20:36:46

Bankruptcy will not stop you returning to work (unless you are an accountant) or you handle petty cash (like working in a bank and even then I have a friend who is bankrupt and they just moved her off the counter into the back office)

You can't afford to pay these debts and you absolutely should stop paying them immediately, you rent and don't have a car worth taking so they can do nothing to you. You will get masses of advice if you pop over to

You will feel massively better if you do not read the debt letters until they take you to court for ccj's (big, brown, Northampton envelope)where you can respond (without having to go to court) and the judge will take your circs into account and you can offer to pay a pound a month.

I'm wittering on about this as you will have to save up for bankruptcy unless you get a charity to help you (british gas is one). Otherwise it's £475 minus about £100 if your on income support.

amicissima Mon 21-Apr-08 20:40:59

You mentioned 'someone upstairs'. Have you thought of approaching your local church (their number will be in the phone book)? Some have an emergency fund to help out parishioners in crisis. I even heard of someone getting a car that someone else was getting rid of and as it 'wasn't worth anything' was happy to give it to someone who really needed it. You don't have to believe - just ask, though they vary hugely.

At the least you could get tea and sympathy which it sounds like you could do with and most C of E vicars are surprisingly open to the idea of being angry with God!

Reallystruggling Mon 21-Apr-08 20:42:03

can i request that the debt recovery make me bankrupt?
the fee's for it have been a major stumbling block i must admit.

I am a social worker which is why i was nervous about declaring without checking it out but i can't seem to find a definative answer.

TheArmadillo Mon 21-Apr-08 20:47:29

can you check with your human resources dept? anonymously if you want to.

I know banks/financial corporations often exclude those who are/have been made bankrupt, but I think it is an exception rather than the rule in all employment. Also then it is explicitly stated in the rules of employment - have you got a contract you can check.

I don't think it would be a problem.

Or 0121-622 8413 is the no of the british association of social workers - you could check with them.

WideWebWitch Mon 21-Apr-08 20:48:05

Poor you, this sounds really hard.

Good for you for leaving an abusive relationship, well done.

How much are your debts? I would try not to go bankrupt if you can possibly avoid it. Agree with who ever said you need to sit down with all your debts and call them, one by one, or write to them and tell them your situation. It's HIGHLY unlikely any of them will take you to court since a court won't order you to pay more than you can afford.

Prioritise the utility and food bills, everything else will have to wait.

If you worked you might get workign tax credit and child tax credit, I think you should do the sums and see how it would work out. British gas, you can negotiate with, esp if it's their fault.

Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to?

YANBU and it's not your fault.

hecate Mon 21-Apr-08 20:49:45

Phone the debt helpline and ask them.

Yes, you can ask them. Tell them you can't pay and the prospect of the interest on top has tipped it over the edge and tell them to just do it because you can no longer pay them anything. And stop paying. They'll either do it, or they'll back off and become reasonable because they'll realise they're going to get nowt and it's pointless threatening you because you're not scared of it! and they'll agree to a payment break or a pound a month.

TheArmadillo Mon 21-Apr-08 20:51:51

If you are not a member of that then 020 7397 5100 is the general helpline no of the general social care council.

website They don't mention bankruptcy on their site - but that could be positive news.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now