To tell my father's partner the truth....

(125 Posts)
Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:19:33

My DM died 2 years ago.
Just over a year after my mum's death my DF met a lovely woman, I thought it was a bit soon but it was nice to see him happy. Because of covid we have only met her a handful of times but she seems like a really nice person, also bereaved with kids and grandkids. They see each other every day and are now talking of moving in together.
The thing is my father is lying to her he has told her that he has 2 kids (me and my sister) he failed to mention my brother who is currently in prison, he also failed to mention my brothers 4 kids (his grandkids). My brother is a violent abusive addict we are all NC with him since after our DMs death, and over the years we have had to get protective orders as he has targeted our homes.
DF told me early on that he wasn't telling her about DB, he didn't say why but I'm guessing it was in case she didn't want to take on the baggage.
I was complicit in his lie I hide my wedding photos when she came over to our house as DB and his family are in them, i didn't mention my nephews etc.

But now I'm feeling really guilty, this lady is so nice and eventually she is going to find out that everyone has been lying to her. Df cannot keep that secret forever, My DF and I still see my DBs partner and kids regularly so eventually one of my kids are going to blurt out something about their cousins. I think DF knows this but is hoping that she'll be in so deep at that stage that it will be too hard for her to leave.
I want my DF to be happy but I think this woman deserves the truth. My brother is dangerous she should know what she is getting into. I was thinking of sending her an anonymous Facebook message.... so cowardly I know. What do you think?

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HangingDitch Wed 08-Dec-21 14:21:47

I’m not sure I’d have told her but I wouldn’t have been complicit in the lie by hiding photos, etc. I’d encourage your father to do the right thing.

Peanutmnm Wed 08-Dec-21 14:22:34

Jesus no!! I think you should support your dad to tell her. Tell your dad you can't hide this anymore so he needs to tell her. And you are happy to sit down and reassure her (and apologise for keeping his existence out of all conversations).

HirplesWithHaggis Wed 08-Dec-21 14:22:45

No to the anonymous message. Yes to sitting down with your dad and saying to him what you said here; lovely new dp needs to know the truth.

Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:24:22

Sorry I should have said that I have tried to convince him multiple times to come clean with her and he absolutely will not. I know for certain he will not tell her himself.

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ChangeChingyChange Wed 08-Dec-21 14:24:49

Anonymous Facebook message? Are you 12?

Don't do that

Tell your dad he needs to tell her, it's up to him when he does and how. But don't be complicit any longer and stop hiding the wedding photos etc and tell your dad why. He needs to be a grown up too and tell her - I can't see why she'd even care or mind - she'll probably be more annoyed that he lied.

HollowTalk Wed 08-Dec-21 14:25:46

I would ask him if he wants you to tell her. She needs to know.

When is your brother due out of prison? Do you think he'll make a beeline for your dad's home?

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Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:27:26

He won't tell her himself ever, I know my father. He has said that DB is dead to him so it isn't a lie, as far as he is concerned he doesn't have a son.

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flippertyop Wed 08-Dec-21 14:27:46

You are NC with him. He effectively doesn't have a son. Leave them alone you could ruin everything. I am sure he will tell her when the time is right

Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:29:00

@HollowTalk 18 months he will immediately target my father's home. He has already had his friends attack it in his absence. My father hopes to be moved elsewhere by the time he's released.

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PleasantBirthday Wed 08-Dec-21 14:29:17

It's a really tough one but I don't think there can be any good outcome for you in telling her. You will look like you're doing it for reasons other than just kindness, your father will feel betrayed and the rest of your family probably won't want to get caught in the eventual crossfire so you would have to be prepared to handle the fallout by yourself.

I just can't see what the upside would be. I know you feel like it would be the honest thing to do, but it's their relationship and you can't interfere without people severely questioning your motives.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 08-Dec-21 14:31:28

This poor woman absolutely needs to know. What your father is doing is reprehensible.

Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:31:52

@PleasantBirthday the upside is the she can leave or protect herself if she knows the truth I am worried that my brother will get his friends to target the house and she will be hurt or worse. My DF knows not to answer the door after dark etc but she has no way to protect herself as she sees no danger

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AryaStarkWolf Wed 08-Dec-21 14:33:09

He really needs to tell her, I would tell your dad that he has to tell her or you will and give him a time frame

PleasantBirthday Wed 08-Dec-21 14:33:56

Cellobear

*@PleasantBirthday* the upside is the she can leave or protect herself if she knows the truth I am worried that my brother will get his friends to target the house and she will be hurt or worse. My DF knows not to answer the door after dark etc but she has no way to protect herself as she sees no danger

OK, that's more serious than it sounded like you just wanted to end the deception. What does your sister say? If you do decide to do this, will she support you?

Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:34:19

@AryaStarkWolf he will let me tell her. I know him he won't tell her.

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Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:36:21

@PleasantBirthday my sister is happy to go along with the lie, she just thinks DB has ruined so much that DF deserves happiness at whatever cost.

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Aderyn21 Wed 08-Dec-21 14:37:17

I would tell my dad that he either tells her or you will. He's being a right manipulative bastard, trying to make it do that she's in too deep to just leave!
But your brother is dangerous and she needs to know that because she has children to think of.
I don't agree with colluding to trap a woman and would he judging your dad very harshly. I'd take this out of his hands

Ginger1982 Wed 08-Dec-21 14:38:30

AryaStarkWolf

He really needs to tell her, I would tell your dad that he has to tell her or you will and give him a time frame


This. He can't physically stop you from telling her.

I dated someone once who told me his sister had died. I obviously offered all the appropriate sympathies. Turned out she was an addict he didn't speak to. At a family event, a distant relative asked how she was and he scrabbled to cover it up. It was embarrassing and I was hurt that he didn't think me worthy of the truth.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 08-Dec-21 14:38:41

Cellobear

*@AryaStarkWolf* he will let me tell her. I know him he won't tell her.

Well then you will have to do that, at least she can make her own decision then. Besides the danger aspect i wouldn't feel OK about being made to lie to a person constantly

Santahatesbraisedcabbage Wed 08-Dec-21 14:40:28

Imagine the poor woman gets hurt... Your df is in serious denial and has no right to keep quiet.
Tell her face to face.

Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:41:53

@AryaStarkWolf yeah I was hoping to go the cowards way with giving her the info anonymously so that my DF couldn't definitively blame me (although he's going to know it was me as I'm the only one nagging him about telling her)
Maybe I'm better to just tell her the truth myself in person.

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SunnySideDownBriefly Wed 08-Dec-21 14:43:42

I think you need to let your Dad know that you will be telling her and he can join you or not. You can explain to her that your father is in denial and doesn't accept he even has a son anymore.

Your Dad is sticking his head in the sand and it could have life-threatening consequences. Is he someone who has often had communication problems in the past?

If your Dad won't join you then it's important that your sister joins you too. You can answer any questions your father's partner has and you must make it clear to her that you have forced this for her own safety. Maybe you can help her understand why your Dad hasn't told her - it seems lame that he can't do this himself and shouldn't be down to you but she needs to know that there could be a need to protect herself.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 08-Dec-21 14:47:32

Cellobear

*@AryaStarkWolf* yeah I was hoping to go the cowards way with giving her the info anonymously so that my DF couldn't definitively blame me (although he's going to know it was me as I'm the only one nagging him about telling her)
Maybe I'm better to just tell her the truth myself in person.

Yes you should and tell your dad that you are going to if he doesn't, be upfront, he can be angry with you but that doesn't make him "in the right" because he isn't

Cellobear Wed 08-Dec-21 14:50:53

I know he's not in the right but it's crap that my brother will destroy this for my dad again after wreaking havoc his entire life.
Although it's actually the lie that might ruin things, I bet if he'd told her straight up he had a kid in prison she might have still stayed around but to find out that you've been lied to for a year is almost certainly a deal breaker. She is a kind lady and seems to be really in love with my dad.
Ok I'll have to bite the bullet and do it.

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