To hate it when DH is 'ill'

[UniqueUsernamePending]

Dh has a headache at the moment and as such, has taken the last two days off of work.
Not to sound too unsympathetic, but I don’t believe this ‘headache’ is even half as bad as he’s making it out to be, as he’s somehow still able to watch videos on his phone on full volume with the brightness all the way up, he stayed up til almost midnight with me last night watching things on Netflix, cracking jokes and laughing away, he went to the shops yesterday evening to get bread so that he could make himself a sandwich (two hours after he’d had dinner ).

However, throughout the day yesterday he stayed in bed, and today will no doubt be the same as he’s just gone back up to bed.

We have three DC’s - a nearly 5 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old and I’m the stay at home parent. I currently have the winter cold that’s making it’s rounds (not Covid, just general winter lurgy), I’ve had diarrhoea for the last two days plus I’m on my period - I suffer with horrendously heavy periods that cripple my back and make me feel nauseous and faint, yet I’m still doing the school runs, the shopping, doing all of the housework and looking after our other two DC’s throughout the day, while DH is moping around in his dressing gown and the same pjs he’s had on since Sunday.

It’s the same story whenever DH is even slightly ill. He’ll spend days in bed, leaving me to deal with the DC’s and the house no matter how I may be feeling. But when I’m ill, I just have to get on with it, I have no choice.

I can count on one hand how many times he’s taken the day off of work to look after the DC’s whilst I’ve been ill during the almost 5 years we’ve been parents. Whereas I’d have to grow an extra 4 pairs of hands to count how many times he’s been off work for his ‘illnesses’.

And before people come at me and tell me I’m a martyr for doing things when I’m ill - things still have to get done! Dc needs to go to school, dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done, dinners need to be made, other DC’s need to be taken care of. If DH won’t take time off when I’m ill, it’s not as though I can just wipe my hands of my responsibilities and not do them.

AIBU for being annoyed that even slight headaches/sniffles etc are reason enough for DH to stay in bed all day and avoid housework and childcare?

[TheBitchOfTheVicar]

I hear you

[authenticforgery]

Yup I hear you too.
DH is nauseous today and shuffling around groaning and moaning and is phoning in sick. I struggle to feel sympathy after spending pretty much 40 weeks nauseous and vomiting while carrying his children and cracking on with daily life. Lack of resilience frustrates me.

[DrSbaitso]

I think this is a common problem, even to the Dressing Gown of Doom.

Have you spoken to him about it? It might not help but it's the first port of call and his response will be telling, whatever it is.

Sadly, I suspect that he may use you being a SAHM as a reason ("it's your job and you'd be doing it anyway" kind of thing).

[WeeFae]

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

[Cam2020]

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

That's absolutely shocking!!

[DrSbaitso]

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

Wait, what? You're having cancer treatment and he's in bed with a cold while you get your child ready for school and do the run???

[Hoppinggreen]

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

Sending you a very gentle unmumsnetty hug

[UniqueUsernamePending]

@DrSbaitso

I think this is a common problem, even to the Dressing Gown of Doom.

Have you spoken to him about it? It might not help but it's the first port of call and his response will be telling, whatever it is.

Sadly, I suspect that he may use you being a SAHM as a reason ("it's your job and you'd be doing it anyway" kind of thing).

I did say to him a few months ago about how when he takes time off of work, he does still need to chip in and do a few things, not use every single slight cough or cold as an excuse to lay in bed for days. And he said -
'But if I was at work, you'd be doing all of these things on your own anyway!'... well yes, I would, but you're not at work you're at home with a cold so bloody do some washing up!!!

Gah. Men acting like they're at deaths door never gets easier to be around.

[UniqueUsernamePending]

Hugs to you WeeFae, I'm so sorry to hear about your lack of help!

[HollowTalk]

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

That is absolutely outrageous. What a horribly selfish man.

[KeepYaHeadUp]

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

Good, what a lot of useless men!

Talk to him. Point out that if he really had a headache, he certainly wouldn't be watching 📺 and videos!

Tell him how unfair it is that you always have to soldier on. Ask why he gets out of adulting when ill, but you never do.

(Is he at danger of being sacked if his absence rate is so high?)

His response will be interesting.

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

God, not good 🙄

[DrSbaitso]

I did say to him a few months ago about how when he takes time off of work, he does still need to chip in and do a few things, not use every single slight cough or cold as an excuse to lay in bed for days. And he said - 'But if I was at work, you'd be doing all of these things on your own anyway!'... well yes, I would, but you're not at work you're at home with a cold so bloody do some washing up!!!

Yes, I thought so. He's allowed not to do his usual job because he's ill, but the same doesn't apply to you. And if he's well enough to go and get bread for a post-dinner sandwich, he's well enough to do some dishes or a bath and bedtime story.

It's the kind of treatment that would make me feel like a domestic appliance. White goods with boobs. Not allowed to break down.

[authenticforgery]

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

Soz, I see you have already talked to him.

Well, I'd show him just the same level of consideration when he's ill as he shows you when you're ill... ie none. Then see how he likes that.

But it's not fair.

And bloody hell, @WeeFae 💐 Wishing you all the very best with your treatment.

[UniqueUsernamePending]

@whitehorsesdonotlie

Soz, I see you have already talked to him.

Well, I'd show him just the same level of consideration when he's ill as he shows you when you're ill... ie none. Then see how he likes that.

But it's not fair.

And bloody hell, *@WeeFae* 💐 Wishing you all the very best with your treatment.

In fairness, he doesn't ask nor expect sympathy. It's not like he wants or needs me to bring him teas or coffees or food when he's ill, it that he takes himself off to bed for days abandoning us all when in actuality, 95% of the time, he's nowhere near ill enough to be bed ridden.

I can almost guarantee that the next time I'm unwell, he'd tell me he can't take two days off of work to help out because 'he can't miss work' - yup, I've heard that a lot.

His illnesses always trump mine.
I must be some sort of soldier that can muster up an infinite supply of energy, whereas he must secretly still be a 3 year old

[mistermagpie]

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

That's appalling.

[DrSbaitso]

I can almost guarantee that the next time I'm unwell, he'd tell me he can't take two days off of work to help out because 'he can't miss work' - yup, I've heard that a lot.

His illnesses always trump mine.
I must be some sort of soldier that can muster up an infinite supply of energy, whereas he must secretly still be a 3 year old.

How does he show you he loves you?

[EmmaWoodhousestreehouse]

Makes me grateful for my husband who is the complete opposite. I feel for you all 💐

[WhatATimeToBeAlive]

Well I hope his manager doesn't know he's out and about and just generally having a couple of skivey days off.

[WinterOfOurDiscoTent]

Yes, I nearly posted similar the other day. He gets to go to bed and moan all day while I have to carry on and do everything.
Just once, I'd like to be ill on my own and get some rest instead of him always deciding that he is more ill Every sodding time!!

[MajesticallyAwkward]

My DH is competitively ill. Anything anyone else has he has worse, when he is actually ill it's very dramatic. I've had a horrible cough and sore throat, he had to cough every time I did and louder. I said I was really tired and achey and he immediately started whimpering and shivering 🙄 naturally that meant he went to bed/checked out for a week while I had to get on with it.

He's not generally useless but this is a big source of tension in our house. I will pull him up on his bs, he just refuses to accept he's ridiculous.

Bloody hell @WeeFae what a dick!

[LuluBlakey1]

The infamous 'Dressing-Gown of Doom'.

I am sure there are shops that must sell these as described above. There is just something about them- made to look unattractive, drain all colour from the skin of the wearer, make them shuffle their feet in 'exhaustion', sigh loudly, groan as they sit down, look pathetic, stops them shaving.

I have no sympathy for DH if he tries this. He was terrible when we first met- a cold was 'the flu', a cough 'bronchitis'. He once told me he thought he had pneumonia because he had a cough and cold.

I expect him out of bed, showered and dressed and helping with 3 DC and if he can do all of that he can go to work. Has not been off ill for several years now.

However, I do have sympathy and care if he is really ill- like when he had appendicitis.