Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

[Kelwar]

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..
friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

[Aussiegirl123456]

Honestly, I had a friend like this. I’d look after her three kids all the time. I must have had them over 100 times over a year. She had mine - never! Not once. She even invited other children to her home to play with hers, mine never got an invite.
They ate my food, I treated them as if they were my own and I never said no despite being tired, having a mum diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer.

In the end, I just said no. I was blunt, probably too blunt but it worked. If you don’t want to have her children just say no that doesn’t work for me. Nothing else needs to be said. People like this, the more you give, the more they take.

Anyway. Nice thing came of it. I moved abroad and recently one of the lady’s daughters found me on Facebook and sent me a really lovely message about the fond memories she made when I used to look after them all. For the, that made it pretty worthwhile :-)

[pasturesgreen]

You'll need to be quite blunt with her and tell her that no, you can't help. Making excuses won't work as these types of people have a brass neck and will just find a way around any excuse.
Methinks that, even were you to lose the friendship, it wouldn't be a great loss.

[ikeptgoing]

Your friend is using you
She sees you as free childcare

She has a husband who WFH and she doesn't work, she only has 3 DCs Her DH can arrange to flex his hours and take one if DCs to swimming- if he can't then two of their DCs can't do club at same time.

You work, have a dog a primary school aged DC and a DC with SEN, your own house and lives to run, and you don't have spare time to gift every week to others at expense of you being tired and you short changing your own DCs who deserve peace and quiet and mums attention

Tbh it's irrelevant what responsibilities you have, you don't have to look after your 'CF friends' DC for her regularly. She can pay a child minder for that . Same as rest of us (single parent) mums of 3 DCs did!!

So please say "Friend I am unable to be your childcare for 'Freddie' Jos if even baby Lucy, I am busy and tired with my own life that includes working and my children. You and your DH need to sort out your own arrangements to pick Freddie to from school and take him to swimming etc
Please stop asking me to do childcare, as it's causing problems in our friendship"

[ikeptgoing]

Damn I typed Freddie Joe or even baby Lucy... I'm the middle

[Rangoon]

So she doesn't have an abundance of help - just a a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road! I'm sorry but that is an abundance of help as far as I'm concerned. She's a user and this isn't a friendship for her. If it was, she be returning the favour. I am near speechless about her dropping massive hints about being tired and you looking after her baby while she could sleep. I would set this friend free right away because you are being used. Just say no, or this doesn't work for me while looking vaguely at her. Mumsnet seems to think you should team this with a tinkling laugh with a tilted head but I'd be more like to tell her in more basic words without the tinkling laugh.

[Rainbowqueeen]

I’d ask for favours in return. So next time she asks for you to take her DC on Thursday say you can do it if she can take your DC on Saturday. If she says no then say oh well another time then.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Meaning another time for both arrangements, not just for her to take your DC

[Perching]

Jus say no. Have some stock phrases ready so she doesn’t catch you off guard. I find ‘sorry that doesn’t work for me’ works in most situations.
Be prepared for the ‘friendship’ too cool down when the childcare stops

[WaitingForSanity]

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d ask for favours in return. So next time she asks for you to take her DC on Thursday say you can do it if she can take your DC on Saturday. If she says no then say oh well another time then.

Yes I'd do this. See what happens then.

[SimpsonsXmasBoogie]

Start asking her to mind your kids when you need to. If she keeps saying no then you'll know she's just using you and you can bin her off. If she says yes and helps you out then maybe you have a nice, mutually beneficial arrangement.

[AvocadoTrees]

I’d just say no and end the “friendship”.

She’s not your friend, she’s a user looking for childcare who gets moody if you say no to her.

Her kid and your kid “get along ok” but they’re not exactly friends.

I could not be arsed maintaining anything more than a smile and wave relationship in the playground, I really can’t see what you get out of it.

[PlumManor]

Me too, the swimming one for a start.

“Oh yes, that’s a great idea we can do a week each starting with you this week”

“Little Tommy my round here? Oh he’s been here for a play date so many times, let’s go to your house this week for a change”

[Bogeyes]

What a piss taker. She is not a true friend. She is just someone you know.

[Dontjudgeme101]

@AvocadoTrees

I’d just say no and end the “friendship”.

She’s not your friend, she’s a user looking for childcare who gets moody if you say no to her.

Her kid and your kid “get along ok” but they’re not exactly friends.

I could not be arsed maintaining anything more than a smile and wave relationship in the playground, I really can’t see what you get out of it.

I think this is a good response.

[CtrlU]

I had a friend like this. Although she watched my son a few times but it wasn’t as often as she expected me to watch her 3 children as I worked full time and had a childminder. She didn’t work and would always ask me to collect her kids from school when I collect my son (on my only day off) and her kids would be so sat on coming to my house and spending the rest of the day with me and my son.

I came to realise too that we wasn’t friends. We actually didn’t have anything in common apart from that we were both parents to kids at the same school.

In the end I just said no every time she asked. No explanation. Just no.

[CtrlU]

Our kids weren’t even friends either. They just knew each other from the playground - but she would always encourage the kids to befriend my son to make it seem like they were so close.

Never again

[toomuchturmericinwatermelon]

As soon as you stop providing free childcare for her, the 'friendship' you think you have will disappear. She's using you OP.

[pictish]

I’d keep politely refusing before wryly watching her cool things between us because I’m not as useful as she anticipated.

I’d be a crap resource for her.

[tallduckandhandsome]

She would rather inconvenience you than her husband!

They have plenty of options, say no.

[JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth]

Unbelievable CF behaviour. No job and a husband but she needs your help to this extent?? That's a hard no from me.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

She will definitely cool it with you if you say no. Friendships, which last are based on mutual respect and support. She neither respects nor supports you.

[CiaoEB]

Omg that is a complete nightmare. I think she’s taking advantage of you and knows it TBH. There’s no way you can just get someone to run your kids around everywhere and not be aware of it. Some people are just users who take advantage of peoples good natures in the expectation they would feel embarrassed saying no. I would say straight up “look to be honest I’m not in a position where I’m able to look after them anymore” and don’t back down. Make sure she knows it’s permanent, not just temporary. Don’t feel guilty, feel angry that she’s been taking advantage of you. It’s also definitely not unusual to feel embarrassed that you’ve been taken advantage of, especially long term, but remember it’s her who is at fault not you.

[GoodnightGrandma]

You need to say no, no, and no again.
I got trapped into this twice and I can assure you that she’s not your friend, she will soon dump you and move onto someone else when you say no.

[NdujaWannaDance]

YANBU. People like this piss me off. Take care of your own shit. Don't book your kids in for more clubs than you can reasonably manage to take them to. It's not anyone else's problem.

the least oshe could do is offer to come up with some sort of rota so that she shares the burden or helps you out equally in other ways.

It's unusual for people like this to be SAHMs though, in my experience.That really is Cheeky fuckery. I was a SAHM and I had two or three 'friends' whose DC were friends with min, but the mums only cultivated a friendship of sorts with me because I was useful to them in this respect, and they all worked. You could always tell when there was an inset day coming up, or some other event that would cause complications to their schedule or cost them extra money in childcare. They'd be extra friendly to me whenever they saw me at pick up or drop off in the week or so leading up to it....

[Bumblebee2930]

YANBU. It's not your responsibility. I'm all for helping people out at times but she's expecting too much! The problem is once you agree a couple times people start taking advantage of you. So set firm boundaries now.

Personally I don't think a true friend expects so much. Of course friends help each out if needed but I feel this friends of yours is using you for childcare as she's never offered to have your dc.