Moral dilemma about xmas

[WouldIBeATwat]

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

[CSJobseeker]

I'd take the break, and be honest with DH about it. He's had breaks in the last 2 years that you haven't, so it's fair.

[CSJobseeker]

I wouldn't lie because if your DH cares about you, he should be able to understand that you really need some quiet, restful time.

[squee123]

Yanbu. Do it! You'll feel so much better for it and your whole family will ultimately benefit from you feeling rejuvenated. Just think.... you can have long luxurious lie ins and do whatever you please.

[WouldIBeATwat]

He would be really offended if I didn’t go to visit his family when I had the opportunity to. There is soooooo much history with that. :-/

[YourenutsmiLord]

Oops I pressed the wrong one - of course take it

[Eleganz]

I would encourage you to be honest with your husband and discuss and agree together what you want to do. A 5 hour trip sounds long for a couple of days so I would be saying it probably still wouldn't be practical especially as, with no break between jobs you are really tired. If you really want a bit of time off just ask your husband if you can just stay at home and rest.

[squee123]

I'd tell you DH though. In an FYI this is what I'm doing kind of way. He should support you getting a mug needed break.

[WouldIBeATwat]

(We’ve been married 20 years. I haven’t seen his family for about 4 (could be 5) years.)

[NewbieAlert]

I'd take the break, and be honest with DH about it
Same. I wouldn’t enjoy it as much otherwise.

[WouldIBeATwat]

@Eleganz

I would encourage you to be honest with your husband and discuss and agree together what you want to do. A 5 hour trip sounds long for a couple of days so I would be saying it probably still wouldn't be practical especially as, with no break between jobs you are really tired. If you really want a bit of time off just ask your husband if you can just stay at home and rest.

He’s planning to go for over a week. Boxing Day to 3rd Jan.

[NovemberNovemberDarkNights]

Well... depends really on a few things (for me anyway)

How supportive were you of DH taking the breaks he took?

What do you think he'd say if you told him the truth?

Do you need to Dave those days for school holidays?

It would be a shame if you need to lie about it, to your DH, but if you do, I'd have no problem with you lying about it.

I want to say 'just do it' but wonder if that will cause you more stress in the future (not enough leave for school holidays:knowing you lied).

[violetskiss]

I wouldn’t lie because if I found out my DH had done that I’d be really upset, quite angry and confused about why he hadn’t just talked to me about the situation. It does feel like quite a big lie, and in our house use of annual leave needs to be agreed upon together.

BUT I do think you’re entitled to take the time off and have a discussion about how you feel you need some “you” time.

[NotJustACigar]

Take the break and don't mention it to him. You need to rest and not have the stress of an argument to deal with, let alone a trip to see his family. Unless you might get caught out?

[Redshoeblueshoe]

You actually sound exhausted. If it's going to cause problems don't tell him. After all he's had trips and breaks. A week off after being on the front line of the pandemic sounds like a great idea

[HairyFanjoBanjo]

If his family are basically arseholes, the he should not expect you to put up with them anyway.

[justbegoodforme]

I think you need and deserve the time off. You also need to be honest with your husband. Tell the truth and put your foot down. They will all survive without you.

The lie would remain on your conscience surely!

Though if you both lie to each other and find this acceptable then crack on!

[WouldIBeATwat]

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

[NoSquirrels]

Just do it.

[VimFuego101]

I wouldn't go, and would take the break. I'd tell DH after he'd left, something along the lines of 'they let us finish up/ take the day off unexpectedly as we'd wrapped up all work'. Sounds like you're knackered and travelling that far for a couple of days would be exhausting.

[Thingsthatgo]

Do you have a good relationship? Could you really enjoy the break knowing that you’d lied about it to your husband?
If you’re not really that bothered about lying to him, then I’d say you should do it. But, if you would feel hurt if he lied to you for the same reasons, then you really can’t. It is not a moral dilemma if you know the right thing to do.

[NoSquirrels]

@WouldIBeATwat

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

I thought you should do it before the MAM revelation.

I haven’t changed my mind but I have cemented my position.

[FreedomFaith]

Sounds like it will cause problems when it shouldn't, he's had time off, why can't you?

[WouldIBeATwat]

My 2 week break in the summer was spent with the DCs while he was off cycling with his mates. So I didn’t really get a holiday.

[Iggly]

Well that’s just a bit shit that he couldn’t understand your need for a break.

How would he react?

[WouldIBeATwat]

MAM revelation?