Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

[Pottedpalm]

Do you want to change?

[Twattergy]

How's he looking compared to when you got married?

[DrSbaitso]

How much does he do of childcare, housework and general life shitwork? Which of you has more free time?

[ChocChipPancake]

This is all part of growing old together, is it not?

Fair enough if you want to put make up on, regularly have hair done etc but if you don't that's also ok.

Surely he married you for who you are and not what you look like. People change.

Both myself and my husband have changed, we met as teenagers and look very different now in our 30's.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Are you happy as you are? What’s caused the change? Is he the same as he was when you got together?

Is he really complaining about your appearance or is it more about your change or priorities and/or attitude?

[ScheisseMinelli]

I hope he is a perfect physical specimen to be making such stringent demands as regards your appearance, but my guess is he's no Brad Pitt, right? You deserve better

[1Dandelion1]

Is he still the same (not going grey, no wrinkles, not developed a beer belly or thinning hair)?

Unless he's a perfect specimen of a man, tell him to do one!

[girlmom21]

Tell him to fuck off.

[Avarua]

Tell him you don't exist in this world for his visual pleasure and you'll do whatever the fuck you want to do with your own goddam body?

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

The happiest people I know are happy to lounge in their onesies and PJs together at home and be normal and natural. They can still dress up and make an effort to look nice when they go out.
I wore makeup and looked nice every single day for my ex, he still left me for another woman.

[AutumnLeaves21]

How much has he changed since marriage?
How’s your marriage other than this? Sex life?
I’m a bit torn here. I’ll probably get flamed but I do think it’s important to continue to put effort into your appearance into a marriage, for me, the sexual attraction has to be there. I wouldn’t be happy if DH gained a lot of weight and let himself go. I would broach the subject sensitively and kindly though. I hope he’d do the same for me.

[TopCatsTopHat]

Which feels like the 'real you'? If a more focused level of personal grooming is where you want to be, it is likely circumstances are getting the better of you. You could talk to him about what is stopping you having the time /energy /motivation.
If on the other hand you're at home as things are now then you need to tell him that you're happy as you are and see if what it is that's bothering him about it is something that could be helped or if this is going to be a sticking point.

[Taoneusa]

There isn’t “ something wrong with you”.

You’ve changed externally, is all. You’ve switched to a simpler way of self grooming.

It’s common, usual, to become easier and simpler when one is busier and / or more settled.

The expectation that you would have stayed the same over years is the problem!

[sassbott]

Why are you asking us? Have you changed? Has he changed? What’s different (in the both of you) since marriage?

How people evolve within a relationship/ marriage is a deeply personal journey.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Surely he married you for who you are and not what you look like.

Since a key part of attraction is what people look like it’s not unreasonable to have feelings if how your spouse looks changes a lot. Even if there’s a good reason for it. I adore my husband but if he put on 10 stone I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I wouldn’t have married him if he’d been 10 stone heavier so why would I want that now?

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think you need to grow together as a couple.

So some are totally happy enjoying food and each other's company in pjs.

Some are still in to looks.

I guess if you're in different pages, it is a bit difficult.

Can you tell us more about your home life? Do you have the finances and time to do all you used to?

[ChocChipPancake]

@AnneLovesGilbert

Surely he married you for who you are and not what you look like.

Since a key part of attraction is what people look like it’s not unreasonable to have feelings if how your spouse looks changes a lot. Even if there’s a good reason for it. I adore my husband but if he put on 10 stone I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I wouldn’t have married him if he’d been 10 stone heavier so why would I want that now?

I completely get that

But size 10 when you're younger changing to a size 14 isn't that dramatic a difference.

[tiredanddangerous]

Tell him to fuck off

[Embarrassed1987]

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

[RedLemon]

Wow. That’s an incredibly dickish thing to say. Really.

Even if he is a bronzed Adonis and you feel you’ve let things slide it’s still shit.

If he has a problem with how you look he should’ve gone with the in-it-together approach. “I feel like we’re just drifting into middle age without looking after ourselves… we don’t spend any proper time looking after our health/diet/exercise… we need to start focusing on our health/wellbeing and spending a bit more time and maybe money on making ourselves look and feel good etc etc. Let’s join a gym/I’ll start cooking healthy meals. Do you want some time to yourself for a massage or a salon trip?” Make it a positive mutual thing.

Agree with pps- does he pull his weight at home?

[Wombat69]

How is he looking?

I'd be off. That's a shit thing to say. Does he pull his weight? Do you have time to yourself?

[Helpstopthepain]

What an absolute knob.

[fantasmasgoria1]

You are still looking after yourself but your routines have changed. You still get your hair trimmed etc. So what if you are wearing pyjamas. Me and my Fiance sit and watch TV etc in the evening both in our pyjamas. Is he still the same weight as when you met? Does he go to the hairdresser regularly etc?

[simpledeer]

Absolutely he can fuck off.

[Blue4YOU]

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years (married 11).
I’m 46.
I don’t have any wrinkles (don’t know how with lack of sleep and smoking and drinking).
I have lots of white hairs since I had my DD 4 years ago.
We’ve lost a child together, been through me being sexually assaulted by a doctor- umpteen other things - and our only DD is seriously disabled (but a total joy).
He’s put on weight, lost weight, gained weight.
I went from size 10 to 12 with a c-section stomach and not being able to work (unpaid carer) so boring and have PTSD and high anxiety from the assault.
I recently cut my hair off out of stress from how hot my head got in anxiety attacks.
I’ve self-harmed through disgust at myself (assault sometimes does that).
I’m no 28 year old as I was when we met.
We still fancy each other and love each other and if he said something like your DH said to me, I’d seriously consider leaving.
If you just like the wrapping what’s the point in the present?