Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds lovely to me
Enjoy your day

[flowery]

Not even your parents? I think if a friend of mine was having a small wedding with 8 people and parents weren’t included I’d assume they’d fallen out or something.

[Theremustbemoretome]

It’s your wedding but you need to brace yourself for the fallout from both families.

Why can’t immediate family come to the Registry office too? Prepare for your family to feel very hurt/insulted. I’d love to have had a tiny fuss-free wedding like yours but I’m not sure I could have handled the fallout.

[Chloemol]

Sounds lovely to me. If family kick off just let them it’s your day

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

We have no parents left

I'm afraid if we confined the Registry to 'immediate' family that would amount to an extra 15 - 20 people.

[burnoutbabe]

at the very least invite parents? most parents would be gutted to not be invited (siblings probably much less)

(unless parents are all divorced and hate each other of course)

And to keep it a secret rather than treat them like grown ups is hurtful to them too.

[Plusfiftytwo]

Just your parents?

[burnoutbabe]

okay scrap that, sorry about that.

Other immediates like siblings, just say its small ceremony so can't invite one and not others.

(though depends, what number would JUST the actual siblings add)

[LublinToDublin]

The secrecy element makes me feel uneasy. You are being underhand rather than open.

I can't imagine not including my parents so can't empathise without decision. But if it doesn't seem a big deal to you why the need to be sneaky?

[BudgeSquare]

If all your parents have died then I think it's fine.

We had only our parents and our children. No siblings because some (most) are nightmares. No friends because it was too difficult to decide who to invite.

I didn't even want to tell our parents but circumstances made it unavoidable .

[burnoutbabe]

(ie siblings. partners and kids would add 7 to ours). But sibling only would add 2.

[3peassuit]

It sounds great. Hope you have a lovely day.

[Plusfiftytwo]

Oh just read your no parents comment op. Then yanbu.

[LublinToDublin]

Oh gosh crossed posts

Sorry

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

Yep, siblings and partners - 15 - 20 extra.

[Paddingtonthebear]

We did similar, had a very quick registry ceremony with two witnesses (close people we knew) but no parents/other family and no “party”. Several reasons for this but mainly because we have difficult families and we didn’t want the stress of that or the cost of organising something bigger. In the end we did tell people what we were doing before we got married, and it went down like a shit sandwich with most of the family. I don’t particularly regret not having those people there, it kind of underlined our feelings anyway. But probably should have told them afterwards rather than having to deal with the fallout beforehand.

[mybroomstick]

Sounds lovely.

You should do exactly what you want.

[ANameChangeAgain]

If your grandparents and parents aren't alive, then I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. I would be devastated though if my sis got married and put friends above me in priority for invites. If you aren't close to your siblings though it doesn't matter.

[Blanketpolicy]

From someone who just took 2 witnesses (my sister and dhs brother, not their spouses or kids), it depends on how many siblings you have. Inviting 8 friends instead of 8 siblings could cause a lot of hurt unless you aren't close.

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

Our thoughts were to let family know afterwards, should anyone bring up the question 'when are you going to get married?'

[gogohm]

I would tell siblings if you have a decent relationship and explain that you are simply having afternoon tea with a few friends to celebrate not a wedding reception. No need to tell anyone else

[BornIn78]

If it’s no big deal then why the sneaking around, keeping it from your family?

Are you planning on telling them, ever?

[GrandmasCat]

I think you either tell your parents or go back to the pulling two witnesses from the street.

But if you decide to go ahead with your plan, I think the only weird thing is bringing your best friend couple with you for the first night.
By all means book a short trip with them any time but a night with them only as part of your wedding sounds strange unless you are swingers.

[Somebodylikeyew]

I think it will put a massive strain on your sibling relationships. That may or may not matter to you both, I don’t know what your relationships are like already.

Personally i wouldn’t want my wedding to be a source of controversy or hurt. I’d probably do the two witnesses thing. It is your choice though, don’t get me wrong- just be prepared for them to be hurt.

[ouchmyfeet]

I think it will put a massive strain on your sibling relationships. That may or may not matter to you both, I don’t know what your relationships are like already.


How on earth do you know this?? I think your day sounds perfectly reasonable OP. I'm so sorry neither of you have parents left to share the day with, if you were my sibling I would understand (and did understand in very similar circumstances)