Am I being selfish or is my friend being a CF?

(127 Posts)
Hop27 Mon 29-Nov-21 08:14:53

I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it.
A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH (2 kids involved) I am trying to be supporting but I'm finding it emotionally very draining.
She messaged me last weekend, asking if she could have a 'safe space' to see her kids and spend the afternoon at mine. I said not a problem, come over. However, that afternoon turned into 3 days. During her time staying at mine, her kids were asking what the plan was moving forward and she openly told them the plan was to be nomads for a while. She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget. (DH is in the family home, works PT and is the primary carer) She keeps hinting that staying at mine (or somewhere like mine) would be the best thing for her and the kids. She knows we have the space to host them as a family, the kids love the house because we have a pool.
It's just too much, I'm exhausted. I can't cope with 2 loud kids in the house, the drain of someone who is going through a tough time. I don't know if I'm being really cold hearted or if she's being a CF because my house is a nicer/easier option than her family who also close by and she isn't ready to tell her family yet.
AIBU to need a bit of space over Christmas or do I need to do the right thing and offer her somewhere to stay?

OP’s posts: |
londonrach Mon 29-Nov-21 08:17:24

Just say no. Friend being cf. You dont need to give reasons but if you want to just say your exhausted. Hope 2022 is better for you x

Seeline Mon 29-Nov-21 08:17:32

She is being a CF. Tell her that she has to be out by a particular date.

Mamamia7962 Mon 29-Nov-21 08:19:43

The mistake you made was letting her stay for those three days. Why is she the one who has to leave their home? Very unsettling for the children.

Totalwasteofpaper Mon 29-Nov-21 08:19:55

Yanbu.

This is too much.
A day visit once a month would be a generous offer if you wanted to make it but she is keen to push boundaries.

R0tational Mon 29-Nov-21 08:21:11

No.

Sweetchocolatecandy Mon 29-Nov-21 08:21:49

Your friend is a CF. I would just tell her that you’re empathetic to her situation and willing to support her by meeting up and going for coffee etc. but that you and your DH need your own space. There’s no way I would just turn up at someone else’s house and expect them to put me up indefinitely, especially without checking first!

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Nimchinge Mon 29-Nov-21 08:26:32

So if you aren't going to help the woman out now, then when?

I understand you not wanting to but calling her a CF?

Friends are supposed to be there when the shit hits the fan. You're making a thread about it instead.

tallduckandhandsome Mon 29-Nov-21 08:26:37

Letting her stay would not be the ‘right’ thing to do.

Remember, one afternoon became 3 days. Once she moves in, she will never leave. Or if she does eventually leave, she will leave you a wreck.

tallduckandhandsome Mon 29-Nov-21 08:29:32

Nimchinge

So if you aren't going to help the woman out now, then when?

I understand you not wanting to but calling her a CF?

Friends are supposed to be there when the shit hits the fan. You're making a thread about it instead.

She’s not calling her a CF, she’s asking if she is one.

This woman her her family nearby, she shouldn’t be hunting to OP and extending one afternoon into a 3 day stay.

helplesshopeless Mon 29-Nov-21 08:30:28

What is her situation at home? I'm asking as I've recently separated from my exh and while I was still living with him he was extremely abusive to me in front of our daughter. It was really an awful time. Just wondered as she referred to needing a 'safe space.' But that's not to say your own needs aren't important. It's tricky one.

Hop27 Mon 29-Nov-21 08:33:07

No abuse that she has ever told me about. Complex relationship with her DSD and incompatibility over a few things.

OP’s posts: |
Disfordarkchocolate Mon 29-Nov-21 08:33:36

Letting her stay would not be doing the right thing thing. She's trying to use your nice house to make her the fun parent, a Disney Mum with you doing the hard work. She's definitely a CF, big time.

Tal45 Mon 29-Nov-21 08:33:53

She needs to sort her life out and stop imposing on you. She's already taken the piss by turning one afternoon into 3 days. You are not responsible for her and her kids and need to look after your own mental health.

Firefliess Mon 29-Nov-21 08:37:39

I would decide (with DH) what you can offer and offer that up. Eg, would you be happy with having her and the kids round one night a week? 2 hours a week? To say nothing seems a bit harsh. But once agreed then your friend needs to stick to it, which might mean having to tell her family and use them for support even though she'd rather not (this won't get any easier for her with more time IME). Having something come for a few hours that turns into days is really exhausting, and not fair on you.

Platax Mon 29-Nov-21 08:48:23

It's going to be much better for her and the children for her to sort out something permanent and long-term. Maybe just help her with that.

50ShadesOfCatholic Mon 29-Nov-21 08:52:52

I think calling her a cheeky fucker is not cool, she is apparently a good friend going through a terrible time who is asking you for help.

That said, of course you shouldn't feel obliged to have them to stay.

It may be that her sense of judgement is off because of the distress she's in and she's just willing the situation to work.

The kindest thing you can do is be straight with her and say look we can't have you to stay here, I'm sorry. That puts an end to the uncertainty.

I'm curious about the pool. Are you in England? It's not really swimmy weather.

Santaischeckinglists Mon 29-Nov-21 08:56:03

Tell her you are putting the spare room on air B&B.. She can have it at mates rates if it's empty the dates she needs..

50ShadesOfCatholic Mon 29-Nov-21 08:58:48

Santaischeckinglists

Tell her you are putting the spare room on air B&B.. She can have it at mates rates if it's empty the dates she needs..

Seriously don't do this, just be straight with her. You'll just get yourself in deeper.

starfishmummy Mon 29-Nov-21 08:59:55

Santaischeckinglists

Tell her you are putting the spare room on air B&B.. She can have it at mates rates if it's empty the dates she needs..

Not a good idea as if she took it up then it becomes a business transaction with certain expectations from her.

Capferret Mon 29-Nov-21 09:03:57

Having your friend from a sense of obligation will ultimately ruin the friendship.
Be kind but clear. You value the friendship and want to be supportive but she cannot stay.

HoldmecloseTonyDanza Mon 29-Nov-21 09:04:29

How did one afternoon turn into 3 days?
She needs to figure out a permanent plan, not sofa surfing for god knows how long, to give the kids some stability.

FortunesFave Mon 29-Nov-21 09:05:40

She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget.

Well, it sounds like all she can afford is a terrible dump...so all you can do is help her make it better. Don't host them...support her in her rental search and maybe help her get it painted or whatever it needs.

This is the sad reality for many people.

Crinkle77 Mon 29-Nov-21 09:06:20

Nimchinge

So if you aren't going to help the woman out now, then when?

I understand you not wanting to but calling her a CF?

Friends are supposed to be there when the shit hits the fan. You're making a thread about it instead.

The 'friend' is a CF. She weedled her way in to OP's home under false pretences saying it would just be for the afternoon. If the friend had asked upfront if she could stay for a few weeks then that would be different.

WhenSepEnds Mon 29-Nov-21 09:09:21

Hop27

I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it.
A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH (2 kids involved) I am trying to be supporting but I'm finding it emotionally very draining.
She messaged me last weekend, asking if she could have a 'safe space' to see her kids and spend the afternoon at mine. I said not a problem, come over. However, that afternoon turned into 3 days. During her time staying at mine, her kids were asking what the plan was moving forward and she openly told them the plan was to be nomads for a while. She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget. (DH is in the family home, works PT and is the primary carer) She keeps hinting that staying at mine (or somewhere like mine) would be the best thing for her and the kids. She knows we have the space to host them as a family, the kids love the house because we have a pool.
It's just too much, I'm exhausted. I can't cope with 2 loud kids in the house, the drain of someone who is going through a tough time. I don't know if I'm being really cold hearted or if she's being a CF because my house is a nicer/easier option than her family who also close by and she isn't ready to tell her family yet.
AIBU to need a bit of space over Christmas or do I need to do the right thing and offer her somewhere to stay?


This made me think of my BiL who moved back in with my MiL after a fight with his GF and ended up staying 18 months. She said she wished she had been former from the start. She ended up sending him links to vacancies etc and he still wasn't budging.... gave him dates to leave which came and went...(he was treating it like a half way house in all honesty) nightmare

I think you should help her find somewhere suitable but you need your own spade, specially over Xmas which is busy enough.

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