Partner and new baby - need some perspective!

(185 Posts)
Ftm229 Mon 29-Nov-21 00:20:45

Hi all,

Posting here for unbiased opinions on something that keeps causing problems.

My partner and I recently had our first baby (8 weeks old). Baby was born via c section after a failed induction. He has had a few problems with reflux and possible CMPA which has been difficult, although things have improved a little. However, we are very much in the fussy stage at the moment. He gets overtired easily and struggles to nap anywhere but on one of us, which is fine by me!

Anyway back to my issue. My partner has a couple of hobbies which he does weekly. One takes him away for a good few hours every week, and he's home about midnight with travel (it's something he does with friends who live a couple of hours away). The other is a sport. They practice 1-2x per week and play another competitive game on a weekend.

The week after baby was born he was back to his hobbies. In fairness, he has cut down the amount of practice he goes to, so rather than 2x per week he's been once and then to the game at the weekend. Also, his other hobby has recently taken him away for a couple of days at a time over the past few weeks. This was to do something that had been planned and paid for for months. He could have been gone longer and was originally due to be away for 3 weeks but has been at home as much as he says he can.

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

He is really good with our baby and the above scenario was just a difficult day. He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section) and looks after the baby as much as I do when he's here, although he is not good at waking during the night and tends to take over early morning so I can nap (when not at work - he does shifts).

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed?! I do not begrudge him his free time at all, I think it's just the speed to which he returned to things when baby was tiny and the problems he has had. I suppose I also feel that his life has changed so much less in comparison to mine.

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby. I also have a lot of family support so have not always been on my own...he says he would not be gone as much if it were not for them.

I can feel myself becoming a little bit resentful and wonder if I'm being unfair. He is a lovely man, very good with our baby and there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby that much.

Very happy to be told I am unreasonable here!!

I would really appreciate some perspective.

OP’s posts: |
bonfireheart Mon 29-Nov-21 00:28:01

I don't know what to say except he sounds like a twat.

Nanny0gg Mon 29-Nov-21 00:28:36

He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

He could, could he?

He does realise that he has a family now and that things change? It's not about how much time you each have to go out, taking things in turn, but how much time you have together as a family. Does he want that?

mrsfollowill Mon 29-Nov-21 00:28:43

He needs to put his 'hobbies' on hold right now! Maybe in a couple of years he can take them up again- going away for 5 nights when you have such a young baby is utterly selfish. If it was for work at a push I would understand it - but for a hobby!! not a cat in hells chance!
If you decided you were off to a spa for the next 5 days and he could get on with it how would he feel about that?!
Ask him how would he feel if roles were reversed and you went away for a few days and left him to it.

Marvellousmadness Mon 29-Nov-21 00:32:16

And this is why you discuss these kinds of things BEFORE trying for a baby..

Phoenix76 Mon 29-Nov-21 00:33:00

bonfireheart

I don't know what to say except he sounds like a twat.

Sums it up nicely.

Op, this is not on. He’s acting like a man child, of course he needs to put his hobbies etc on ice for a while. Easy for me to say, but I would not have tolerated this. But to answer your question, a huge yanbu from me.

Shamoo Mon 29-Nov-21 00:33:35

Oh OP. There is no way in the world he should be regularly going away for three night stints when you have an 8 week old. And I guarantee that if you turned around and said you were off to see a friend for three nights without your baby he would be very unhappy (and conspire to make it not happen).

In any event, he shouldn’t just be announcing this sort of thing. It should be a discussion.

I wouldn’t even be happy with how much he is out in an average week to be honest. I don’t have a solution, but you are definitely not being unreasonable to be unhappy.

For context, my wife gave birth 5 months ago. I am a season ticket holder at football and often travel to away games etc. Since our baby was born I have limited myself to one home game a month, no cup games and no away games. I also go out for exercise once a week, as opposed to the three times before she was born (I do other exercise at home). This was my decision as I can see it’s the fair thing to do. My partner goes out once a week for her exercise too, sometimes twice a week. She doesn’t have a hobby like football but has been out with friends a few times etc.

It needs to be a lot more even than he is making it

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Weatherwax13 Mon 29-Nov-21 00:39:06

Once you have a baby, neither parent should just bugger off without full agreement from the other, and reciprocity (eg not "struggling" so the other has to bail and come home to take over!)
Hobbies have to take a back seat.
And why does he want to be away from his new baby that long anyway?
I'd be royally pissed off in your shoes

Gliderx Mon 29-Nov-21 00:45:05

If your baby was older, I would say take him at his word. Do a hobby of your own once a week and book weekend overnights in a hotel or stay with friends to get some uninterrupted sleep. But your baby is still tiny, I imagine you don't want to leave them for long yet, you're going though one of the toughest times and your husband should be more supportive.

Aria2015 Mon 29-Nov-21 00:45:35

The thing is, when he does 'his thing' he's essentially dictating what you do with your time because that automatically means you have to be at home with the baby. The newborn stage is tough and it's easier when you share the load. He sounds hands on when he's around, but there are seemingly long periods of time when he's not around and then it's all on you. You may have family support for some of that time but I'll bet they're not there for the tough bits like night feeds and early morning wake ups. I think it's selfish of him to have jumped back into these time consuming activities so soon after having a baby. I think he should be focused on getting used to your 'new normal' with a baby and then as the baby gets a bit bigger and easier, he could slowly up his hobby time.

madisonbridges Mon 29-Nov-21 00:45:36

Instead of being resentful, why don't you embrace the freedom he's offering, and you go out with your friends and do all the activities you did before the baby, and leave him to get on with the looking after as he offered.
Have I missed something? Isn't it good that the baby doesn't curtail your lives completely and that you share their care?

DriftingBlue Mon 29-Nov-21 00:51:11

He has put you in default parent mode and gone back to his life like nothing has changed. Going down from a week to a few nights is not a real change. It’s not okay.

I had to explain very clearly to my DH that neither of us could just leave the house or make plans without the other person agreeing because it assumed the other would cover parenting during that time.

Would your partner really be ok if you just walked past him and said you were going to go out for a few hours, have fun with the baby? What about of you just announced you would be gone for several days? Would he really just handle that like it was nothing? We all know the answer.

Merryoldgoat Mon 29-Nov-21 00:52:56

Hobbies like that are not compatible with small babies.

Once the child is older, settled etc then hobbies can reappear.

My husband and I had a raft of hobbies before children. It’s had to be cooking and crochet for a while.

That’s life and he needs to wake up to that pretty fast.

immersivereader Mon 29-Nov-21 00:53:58

He needs to ditch the hobby

Who does he think he is?!

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby

^

Whole week?! Does he work? How much leave does he have??

Merryoldgoat Mon 29-Nov-21 00:55:42

Christ sake - my DH had a cookery course as a gift when out baby was 4 weeks old and he was worried about being gone 6 hours! He got his mum to come over he was so worried about me being overwhelmed (I was fine with it).

NatriumChloride Mon 29-Nov-21 00:57:09

He sounds like a teenager, wanting to continue his hobbies and sports despite having a new baby. He needs to realise that life cannot go on as it was pre-baby. He needs to invest time now into his new family unit.
I really don’t like the way he “reminded” you that he could have been away for longer. Makes me give him the side-eye.

Summerfun54321 Mon 29-Nov-21 00:57:10

You have an 8 week old baby. Your lives have just changed forever. I don’t know anyone who just carried on with all their hobbies and sports after having children and made no adjustments. Not because it’s not possible, but because they didn’t want to. Having a tiny baby is special and it’s a bit sad he’s happy to have so much time away from you both.

madisonbridges Mon 29-Nov-21 00:57:27

Merryoldgoat

Christ sake - my DH had a cookery course as a gift when out baby was 4 weeks old and he was worried about being gone 6 hours! He got his mum to come over he was so worried about me being overwhelmed (I was fine with it).

Didn't he go to work and leave you on your own during the day? 🤔

Ftm229 Mon 29-Nov-21 00:58:11

I must admit I am quite pissed off but want to be careful that I'm not presenting this in a biased way. I don't think there's anything I haven't included aside from there have been a couple of occasions where he hasn't gone to play sport when baby was really unsettled, and on another occasion when I had taken him to A&E the night before due to severe reflux.

I think because he is generally such a caring and attentive partner I wasn't expecting this. In fact he did assure me he wouldn't be "swanning off" to things on his paternity leave, however as soon as someone asks him to something he says yes. He hates letting people down. Unfortunately it seems when it comes to me this doesn't really apply. Or thats how it feels anyway...

Thanks for all the input so far, much appreciated

OP’s posts: |
youvegottenminuteslynn Mon 29-Nov-21 00:59:22

madisonbridges

Instead of being resentful, why don't you embrace the freedom he's offering, and you go out with your friends and do all the activities you did before the baby, and leave him to get on with the looking after as he offered.
Have I missed something? Isn't it good that the baby doesn't curtail your lives completely and that you share their care?


Three nights in a row when the baby is eight weeks old? It's ridiculous behaviour. And OP is unlikely to want direct reciprocity at this stage - it's not like he'll come back and she'll be happy to go elsewhere for three nights! The 'well you can do it too' is an argument often made by people who don't understand the other person doesn't want to do the same thing themselves and / or who knows the other person won't take them up on it.

ChristmasPlanning Mon 29-Nov-21 00:59:30

Absolutely not ok. Did you both not discuss before the baby arrived how your lives would need to change?

Even if you didn't before now this is ridiculous.

Ftm229 Mon 29-Nov-21 01:03:34

Summerfun54321

You have an 8 week old baby. Your lives have just changed forever. I don’t know anyone who just carried on with all their hobbies and sports after having children and made no adjustments. Not because it’s not possible, but because they didn’t want to. Having a tiny baby is special and it’s a bit sad he’s happy to have so much time away from you both.

I think that's it, I feel sad he's ok with it. He says he's not and he misses us, hence why he hasn't been for the whole 3 weeks (lucky me eh)

OP’s posts: |
Ftm229 Mon 29-Nov-21 01:04:55

immersivereader

He needs to ditch the hobby

Who does he think he is?!

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby

^

Whole week?! Does he work? How much leave does he have??

He does, shifts (long days) he'd saved up his leave for this thing...

OP’s posts: |
Ftm229 Mon 29-Nov-21 01:07:58

NatriumChloride

He sounds like a teenager, wanting to continue his hobbies and sports despite having a new baby. He needs to realise that life cannot go on as it was pre-baby. He needs to invest time now into his new family unit.
I really don’t like the way he “reminded” you that he could have been away for longer. Makes me give him the side-eye.

I didn't like this either. I don't think it was meant in the way I took it but still. Like I should be grateful

OP’s posts: |
sarah13xx Mon 29-Nov-21 01:08:36

My baby is 15 weeks and DH was working away last week, not even on a jolly yet I was jealous and quite nippy when he came back because I’d had it all to do myself while he was away 😂 This then caused further tension because he was saying he needs to work and he wasn’t away a holiday. Totally get that but it’s just so hard when you’re on you’re own and he’s in a hotel room enjoying a dominos pizza in peace with two hands and no baby crying 🙈 If he was away with a hobby that much I think I’d be annoyed. I’m also not really ready to be away from my baby that much. Ive been one one proper night out for a friends birthday that had been arranged for months and one night in the pub for a couple of hours and although I enjoy being out, I’m glad I don’t have things arranged every weekend. To be fair he has been really good and cut down on going to golf/football etc but I don’t really know at what age it’s then acceptable to go back to doing all the hobbies again. It can’t be a case of just because you have a baby you can’t ever do the thing you love again, but you also can’t be left holding the fort while he’s away enjoying himself all the time 😕 I’d say he needs to compromise a bit more and give some of it up, especially not going away for any length of time

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