AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

(521 Posts)
EnglishMuffins Sat 27-Nov-21 12:49:26

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

OP’s posts: |
MiddleParking Sat 27-Nov-21 12:51:50

Crikey. I think your timing to be thinking about this isn’t great! Did you talk about this when you decided to be a SAHM? Have you talked about marriage generally?

JustHereWithPopcorn Sat 27-Nov-21 12:53:35

Christ how much money did you put towards the house that is solely in his name? Did you have anything drawn up to say if you spilt up etc he owes you that money? You are in a very vulnerable position you need to get this sorted ASAP

AnFiadhRua Sat 27-Nov-21 12:54:51

I was in these shoes about 15 years ago and i left because he just wasn't the type of guy to do the right thing, he was the type of man to plunder me like a resource. That was the real reason I left.

But after I left yes I had a few very tough years but once you do get to a place of security then your hard work is feathering your OWN nest.

I have my own job/house/savings now and thankfully, I'm not worried he'll kick me out with nothing on a whim.

Nowisthemonthofmaying Sat 27-Nov-21 12:56:27

Wow this is not good. You need to get your name on the mortgage and house deeds first. Talk to him properly about marriage too - does he realise what a precarious situation you're in? If you split up you would be entitled to nothing.

If he won't even consider marriage then you at the very least need to go back to work full time to start earning your own money and contributing towards a pension of your own.

ComDummings Sat 27-Nov-21 12:56:37

So all your money is in this house which you don’t actually own…did you get legal advice before you did this?

Aprilx Sat 27-Nov-21 12:57:21

Good grief how have you let it get to this, you need to start looking after yourself financially!

When you say you are not on the mortgage, do you mean you are not on the mortgage or the deeds or do you literally just mean not on the mortgage? Not being on the mortgage doesn’t sound like too bad a deal so long as you mean your financial interest in the house is reflected on the deeds.

I do hope you are not assuming mortgage and deeds are the same thing, this absolutely drives me to distraction on mumsnet!


Lockheart Sat 27-Nov-21 12:57:43

So you've put a tonne of your own capital into an asset that is in his sole name?

I'm sorry OP but that is astoundingly foolish. Did you set out anything at all to protect your capital?

At the moment you have nothing, and he has everything. The fact you are not married means you have no recourse to any of the money you've invested into his asset. You've basically given him a very very large gift free gratis and for nothing.

You must, urgently, take steps to either transfer some of the property into your name or to get married.

If your DP decides to leave, he can take everything and leave you with nothing as you are not married. You will not be entitled to anything other than child support.

What does his will say? Are you a beneficiary at all?

The insurance through work which would pay off the mortgage if he dies is presumably in his name and would therefore comprise a part of his estate - so yes, it would be taxed, but potentially not on you unless you're a beneficiary of the will.

Chickychoccyegg Sat 27-Nov-21 12:58:22

Oh op, it's late in the day to be getting advice on this, but you were crazy agreeing to put your money into a house you have no financial claim on, I'd have reservations about this even if married.
I dont really have advice, but have you spoke to dp about this whole situation? That may tell you everything you need to know

NoSquirrels Sat 27-Nov-21 12:58:44

Bloody hell.

Trust is not enough. He needs to properly u set stand that.

RedRobin100 Sat 27-Nov-21 12:59:04

You’re in a very precarious position OP I’m sorry, but you already know that.
Putting marriage aside (cos it doesn’t sound like it’s on the cards) you really
Need to protect the cash you put into the house…which is now in his name. You need legal advice to have a contract drawn up to protect this.

You may be saving “a sum” on childcare, but what you’re saving is only comparable to what you could be earning, jointly paying childcare, plus putting towards’s a pension, saving, and generally protecting your independence also.

You have no rights to That house, right now you essentially gave him cash for him to buy it. Has he named you as beneficiary in his will and to his life insurance policy? If he hasn’t your won’t be entitled to this either.

A 50/50 split is fair. Right now you have nothing, except you’re saving HIM money in childcare..

Comedycook Sat 27-Nov-21 13:00:35

I'm very shocked about the house....shock. I always thought a property could be in joint names even if the mortgage only takes one salary into account? And also that a deposit could be protected?

Beautifully4Dreamer Sat 27-Nov-21 13:00:51

Get a FT job
You pay half the childcare each
Stop being so passive

You are in a very vulnerable financial position!

Why have you given someone else all the power ?

Reclaim yourself !

This is why, I will never be financially reliant on anyone

Parker231 Sat 27-Nov-21 13:02:10

Get your name of on house deeds and joint access to all family money. Go back to work full time asap.

thepeopleversuswork Sat 27-Nov-21 13:02:17

Agree with others: why on earth did you not get your name onto the deeds of the house? You need to speak to a lawyer about this pronto.

You probably know this already so no point labouring this but its a bit late to be thinking about all this now. The time to have had these discussions would have been before you sank your money into this house and before you got pregnant.

Also if you want marriage you need to raise it with him. You seem to be basing his opinions on throwaway remarks he's made about other people's weddings as opposed to discussing it with him like a grown up. You can't sit around waiting for him to propose.

Take control of this now and stop gambling on him being decent enough to do the right thing.

almahart Sat 27-Nov-21 13:02:46

The first step you need to take is to get your name on the deeds of the house pronto.

Obviously you can't force him to marry you but I would get a job and start paying into a pension as soon as you can.

Lockheart Sat 27-Nov-21 13:02:59

And yes, you must take legal advice about the property and the funds you've invested. Transferring part of the property into your name will require his co-operation since at the moment it seems he owns everything. A deed will need to be drawn up to detail the split of ownership and how equity will be divided if the property is sold.

RedRobin100 Sat 27-Nov-21 13:03:04

@Aprilx. Do lenders generally allow names on deeds that aren’t also on mortgage? I’m not so sure.. My assumption is she isn’t on either.

PleasantBirthday Sat 27-Nov-21 13:03:38

Get your CV out on Monday.

Receptionclass Sat 27-Nov-21 13:03:48

Get a FT job, any job, ASAP. Then get legal advice about how best to get your ducks in a row. You're in a very vulnerable position and need to act fast. Please don't put yourself in this position again.

Lockheart Sat 27-Nov-21 13:04:10


I'm very shocked about the house....shock. I always thought a property could be in joint names even if the mortgage only takes one salary into account? And also that a deposit could be protected?

It can, but generally best to sort that out before you buy it.

Restart10 Sat 27-Nov-21 13:04:18

Wow, did you not learn the first time around. Sorry that I'm harsh, but I cannot believe that you chose this route again? And why would you not think of the 2 dc you currently had who had a home with you and security. I think you need legal advise asap as you have made really poor decisions given you had experience from your first marriage.

AlexaShutUp Sat 27-Nov-21 13:04:24

What was the agreement that was made when you decided to become a SAHM? Presumably you discussed it at that time? Your situation sounds very precarious if I'm honest.

You can expect him to marry you but you can't force him if that isn't what he wants. I think the first priority is to find a job so that you can start rebuilding your career. The second is to get legal advice on the funds that you invested in the house.

HippeePrincess Sat 27-Nov-21 13:06:12

Talk about bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted

Viviennemary Sat 27-Nov-21 13:06:14

It's a mess and you need to see a solicitor. Your present house should be in joint names. What will you have if you split up. Nothing.

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