How long did you take to get over parent's death

(176 Posts)
Halloweencat Fri 26-Nov-21 17:39:03

Don't know if I'm posting on the right thread, but my question is exactly my title. Coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I have a supportive family & friends so I'm lucky with that. Have quite a few good days now, but every now & again it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Feel very sorry for my mum too, she's lost her soul mate. They are old, so you know one day in the not too distant future the inevitable will happen, its life; but how long did you take before your parents became a lovely memory, rather than feeling like your heart has been ripped out? Today I'm practically obsessed with him sad

OP’s posts: |
secretllama Fri 26-Nov-21 17:45:23

Im so sorry for your loss. flowers My dad died over 10 years ago , very suddenly. I still to this day get upset hearing certain songs, his bday/big life events. It doesn't get easier but you get better at dealing with it is how I'd describe it. My mum obviously took it bad and I think that was one of the hardest things, seeing her like that. But she's come such a long way since then.

Prancingponies Fri 26-Nov-21 17:47:11

As the PP said, been over 10 years now since I lost both parents, and I still feel a twinge when I hear certain things, or something reminds me of them.

And yes, you do get better at dealing with it over time. It never goes away, but it's not as intense after the first 3-4 years in my experience.

rainyskylight Fri 26-Nov-21 17:50:00

Of course you are obsessed with him tonight. You should be. Drink the wine and listen to his favourite music. Go into the hole, the crying will feel better at the end.

I’m only a little further along. My father died almost 3 years ago. I think of him lots. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. The grief has sort of become part of me. I seek it out when I want his company. It gets easier. But it never goes away. And you’ll never want it to.

Orarewedancer Fri 26-Nov-21 17:50:09

Coming on 9 years since losing my mum and still have the heart ripped out feeling. I'm no where near the acceptance stage (is that even real as it seems impossible?)

Hmmmm21 Fri 26-Nov-21 17:54:30

17 years and still so hard

MrsPleasant Fri 26-Nov-21 17:55:55

My mum died 15 years ago, I will never get over it. I don't cry when I talk about her anymore (usually!) but she was a wonderful mum and I miss her all the time.

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merryhouse Fri 26-Nov-21 17:57:14

About 4 years after my mum died I wrote a card to old friends whose mum had just died, and I remember writing that eventually you learn to live with it "I think it took me about three years."

I knew I'd turned a corner when I dreamed about her and thought "oh this must be a dream then."

I've now been without a mum for longer than I had one, and have built a life that doesn't involve her; but I still get The Grief every now and again (have to concentrate hard when singing Hark the Herald).

steff13 Fri 26-Nov-21 18:00:08

The pain becomes less acute, but I don't think you're ever fully over it. But I lost my parents when I was in my early 20s. If they'd lived until I was much older, I might feel differently.

LolaButt Fri 26-Nov-21 18:00:12

You don’t get over it. You find a way to live with it sadly.

Its ok to feel how you feel x

Dishwashersaurous Fri 26-Nov-21 18:01:01

Never.

What you are feeling is completely normal. It's OK to feel your feelings

LizzieSiddal Fri 26-Nov-21 18:03:04

My dad had cancer and we knew for about a year that he didn’t have long, it was still a terrible time and it took me 5 years to get used to the idea. It still hits me sometimes 10 years in but it isn’t on my mind as much because “life” happens and your mind gets filled with other things.flowers

RoyKentsHairyBack Fri 26-Nov-21 18:03:11

I think I'm a bit weird here if it helps. I was close to my dad and the actual few weeks where we lost him (rapidly to cancer - less than 6 weeks from diagnosis to death) were some of the worst of my life.

However I 'got over' him quite quickly in that I moved on from raw grief in a couple of months. I think about him most if not every day, talk about him constantly so he very much loved and in no way forgotten but the visceral pain was shorter than I expected frankly.

I have been the same with grandparents who I loved very much as well. However the one I can't cope with is a sibling loss - that does reduce me to tears immediately despite being well over 5 years ago. I can't ever imagine getting over that one.

ImperfectAlf Fri 26-Nov-21 18:04:27

My last parent died in March 2020. My first in 2016. Some days are worse than others, and time does help. I found this thread really supportive.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

Penners99 Fri 26-Nov-21 18:07:33

Took me about 10 seconds when I found out they were dead.

Kite22 Fri 26-Nov-21 18:07:38

It might be better to ask MN to move this to the Bereavement topic - you can just click on the report button on your post and ask them.

To answer your question - you don't 'get over it'. You gradually learn to live with it, but sometimes (often at emotional moments) it just sneaks up on you again and you might well up.
You are still in a place where things are quite raw I should imagine.
I lost my parents nearly 20 years ago and I still feel the odd occasion when I really wish I could chat to them again, or I feel sad they aren't here to share a moment.

VelvetSpoon Fri 26-Nov-21 18:10:12

steff13

The pain becomes less acute, but I don't think you're ever fully over it. But I lost my parents when I was in my early 20s. If they'd lived until I was much older, I might feel differently.

Same here. My mum died when I was 21, nearly 28 years ago, and I still am sad about it, though it is less painful. For the first couple of years I was in physical pain and kept expecting to find out it was all just a bad dream.

Alleycat1 Fri 26-Nov-21 18:11:06

You won't get over it but you will learn to live with it as Kite22 said. I lot my parents 30 years ago but still miss them.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey Fri 26-Nov-21 18:11:42

Dad died 20 years ago, very suddenly.
I still get a physical pain when something happens and I can't tell him

eggandchips33 Fri 26-Nov-21 18:16:50

It also coming up to the anniversary of my dads death and it's very hard, especially at this time of year. I have learnt to live with it but I do miss him terribly. I don't really allow myself to think too much of his final weeks. It's painful knowing that he knew what was going to happen and I can't bear to think of how he must have felt during that time. I try to remember the good times and my mantra is to live life to the full in a way that would make him proud.

I don't think I will ever get over it but I have learnt to live again.

cptartapp Fri 26-Nov-21 18:16:56

My dad died at 54 twenty years ago then my mum was killed at 69 in a car accident. I was 44. Five years ago now.
I loved them both dearly, but never felt my heart was ripped out tbh. Back at work within a week, and latterly three weeks. Never felt the need for counselling or antidepressants etc. Have been nursing thirty years though and seen a lot of death.
I don't think you ever get over it though. I just live with a lot of anger and resentment which probably isn't healthy. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to grieve.

MorganSeventh Fri 26-Nov-21 18:17:18

I don't think you ever get over it, I think you adapt to it. That said, I found the first anniversary and run up to Christmas the worst. I'm sorry for your loss.

AlmostAJillSandwich Fri 26-Nov-21 18:17:36

it's been 11 years, not even remotely over it.

Newuser82 Fri 26-Nov-21 18:20:29

My dad died a few months ago and so I was interested to read this thread. For everyone saying you don’t get over it does that mean I’m going to sad for the rest of my life as that just seems awful!

Thehop Fri 26-Nov-21 18:21:25

My dads 7 year anniversary recently. I don’t think I’ll ever “get over” him not being here. I miss him every single day. I have learned to tell the kids happy stories and funny takes and look at his picture and smile. Mostly. I cry alone regularly, and see it as a positive. That I was right about how amazing he was, because look how missed he is. We must have loved each other as much as I thought because look how much I hurt without him.

Xx

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