I slept with someone else

(177 Posts)
Teachocsbook Fri 26-Nov-21 15:30:15

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

OP’s posts: |
Cas112 Fri 26-Nov-21 15:33:03

He doesn't want to be with you and has been stringing you along, you have given him the perfect opportunity to cut you off.

OP you are worth more than this, you will find someone you deserve in time but please don't waste any more time on this disrespectful boy

GodspeedJune Fri 26-Nov-21 15:34:35

God, he really does not deserve a second of your time or worry.

decided what he wants with me and the future

What a cheek! He’s a serial cheat with drug abuse issues. Please don’t waste a second more of your time on him.

It sounds like you weren’t in a proper relationship with him so he has no right to know that you slept with someone else, let alone have an opinion on it.

Sorry you’re feeling so low, but I think binning him from your life will help you feel a lot better.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea Fri 26-Nov-21 15:36:10

So he cheated and lied to you during the actual relationship? OP, friends don't do that. Friends don't hurt their friends like that. Friends don't mess you around and give you false hope.
He was not your friend then and he isn't now.

Why did sleeping with the other friend ruin the friendship?

Honestly it sounds like you need to understand that you are worth so much more than being treated like this by 'friends'.

edwinbear Fri 26-Nov-21 15:36:12

You're not actually together so you haven't cheated. He likes the idea of having you save yourself for him though, even though he doesn't want to be with you properly. He's a waste of space.

whatnumber Fri 26-Nov-21 15:36:12

I'm a little confused.
Were you meant to wait an unlimited amount of time for him to make a decision on want he wants? Were you not allowed to date during this time?
If so that's bizarre.
Take a hold of your own life and go live it!
He isn't worth your time.

MarshmallowSwede Fri 26-Nov-21 15:36:46

Who cares what he thinks. He pays to sexually exploit women. He has no moral high ground to stand on. He cheated and paid for sex and he’s shaking you.. men always have the audacity!

He is contributing to the sex trafficking industry and he has the audacity to judge you for having consensual sex with your friend.

Tell him to kiss your ass. Then block him.

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masha17 Fri 26-Nov-21 15:38:29

You weren't in a relationship with him, so it's nothing to do with him whether you slept with someone else. You've done nothing wrong.
Don't blame yourself for this at all but it's time to cut him out of your life. One day you'll meet someone decent who will want you at their family occasions.
You deserve far better.

LIZS Fri 26-Nov-21 15:38:32

He's conditioned you to accept his appalling behaviour and keep hanging on in the vain hope of better. Neither "friend" has your best interest at heart, so try not to grieve for any lost friendship. You need to reinstate firm boundaries and raise your standards. The Freedom programme may help you break out of this.

Kuachui Fri 26-Nov-21 15:39:49

Hes a abuser of woman ( i do believe paying for sex is abuse) and you were single. not sure why your giving trash your time. he doesnt want you, he wants to live the single life whilst having actual company. it doesnt work like that

Lavender24 Fri 26-Nov-21 15:39:58

You've done yourself a favour. You should not get back together with this man.

DamnUserName21 Fri 26-Nov-21 15:40:40

I think you are nuts given this man the time of day given the backstory!!

You've given him all the power!! He cheats on you numerous times but you hope to get back together...hmmm, you clearly do not value yourself at all.

Lostmyheart101 Fri 26-Nov-21 15:40:40

Sorry sweet, but he is taking you for a mug but you just can’t see it.

Abit like the film holiday, the lady being taken for a mug and at the end comes back to try and string her on a bit more even though his still engaged to be married.

You didn’t cheat.

Tal45 Fri 26-Nov-21 15:42:48

Set your expectations higher is my advice. Don't wait for him to decide if he wants you or not - he's shagged around behind your back, taken drugs, shagged sex workers, lied and deceived you - tell him you've come to the realisation that you want someone who knows that they want you from the outset - and that treats you with the love and respect you deserve. This loser is not the right person for you no matter how well you get on on the surface.

It sounds like you might need to work on your self esteem as you deserve so much better than this. You're not the one who's done anything wrong here, he's stringing you along and messing with your head, you're desperate for love and affection by the sounds of it which is always going to make you vulnerable. Please start looking after yourself and stop letting men decide your worth. You're too good for this shit.

Twizbe Fri 26-Nov-21 15:44:45

First, you didn't cheat. You're not in a relationship therefore you're allowed to sleep with whomever you want.

You've done yourself a favour really so take this opportunity to block this 'friend' and move on.

Might be worth some therapy as well to help raise your self worth.

FatCatThinCat Fri 26-Nov-21 15:45:29

YABU to have given this waste of space a single moment of your time. You owe him nothing and you deserve a lot more than hanging on in the hope that this vile person will want to be with you. Block him and up your bar.

Chikapu Fri 26-Nov-21 15:45:41

Why do you want to be with someone who abuses drink and drugs to the point that he's helpless to stop himself shagging around? He's hardly a catch is he?

MonkeyToez Fri 26-Nov-21 15:54:51

So this guy cheats on you with you sex workers multiple times, presumably causing you significant emotional distress, not to mention the exploitation of the women involved, the potential sexual health risks he exposed you to and the fact he lied to you when confronted.

And you feel guilty because you slept with another guy and told the truth about it despite the fact that you aren't even together, by his own choice?

Do you believe that he's been celibate for the last year?

I don't see why you want to even be friends with him, never mind get back together!

Also him saying you must have wanted it as you were sober, does that imply that he would feel better if somebody had taken advantage of you whilst you were inebriated? Because thats a very strange to say imo. There is nothing wrong with a single woman wanting to have sex with another consenting adult of their choosing 🤨

PocketPeanuts Fri 26-Nov-21 15:57:32

I think this is for the best because he sounds AWFUL! Why would you want to get back together with someone who has shown he has no respect for you or women in general?? Please move on, OP. You are worth so much more than this!

FestiveMayo Fri 26-Nov-21 15:58:18

Find someone who treats you better

AliasGrape Fri 26-Nov-21 16:07:39

I remember your previous threads about this guy.

He's not your friend, he never was. Why would you want to be friends with someone who abuses drugs, alcohol and sex workers? Would a friend lie to you and let you spend your own money on replacing an item hed had stolen whilst he was exploiting a probably trafficked and vulnerable young woman? I think j remember you posting previously that you have children - is the model of relationships and what a man is that you want for them?

You've lost absolutely nothing. You surely knew that is what people were going to say when you posted this including all the details of his previous shitty behaviour? What are you hoping to read/ hear that will help you to finally break away from this toxic situation?

Honestly you really need to work on your boundaries and self esteem so you don't keep accepting such shitty treatment and keep hanging on for crumbs from someone who has shown you he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you over and over again and somehow construe that as friendship/ a possible basis for a decent relationship

Deela14 Fri 26-Nov-21 16:09:12

I think he has no right to be upset since your arent in a relarionship.

You owe him nothing.

But in the long run maybe him taking a step back is for your best interest op. I dont know what the hell this is you've got going on but its a waste of your time and life, toxic, and you will only end up hurt.

Stop dragging dead weight

QuinceTamarillo Fri 26-Nov-21 16:09:48

This has nothing to do with your ex. He was a crappy friend making this all about him when he could see that you were upset. On the other hand, as he is an ex and you know he has unresolved feelings for you, he probably wasn't the best person to confide in about your sexual encounter/relationship with someone else. However, he could have simply said "I can't talk about this with you".

I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single... Is this in dispute? I don't see anything in your post that suggests that the sex with the second friend was NOT consensusal (e.g., rape/sexual assault).

There's nothing objectively wrong with two single friends having sex purely for the sake of sex ... but it may not be for you in general (and there also can be factors in the specific relationship that make it complicated). Some people are absolutely fine with casual/recreational/one-time sex, and others really aren't. If it's not for you, learn from the experience and perhaps avoid similar situations in the future, but don't beat yourself up. You have to figure out what YOU want and feel, not either of your friends. From your post, there's no reason to feel guilty and if you feel "dirty", you may have some unresolved issues about sex in general.

At worst, you made a mistake/bad decision, but life goes on. Talk to the second friend if you think the sexual involvement will negatively impact your friendship - it might, or it might not be a big deal to him at all. Either way, open and honest communication is the best way to get through and past the awkwardness.

TuftyMarmoset Fri 26-Nov-21 16:12:32

So for the past year you have just been friends and he has the cheek to complain that you finally moved on and slept with someone else after he cheated on you loads of times? You’re better off without him in your life!

thebleepblop Fri 26-Nov-21 16:13:18

Have I understood this right?! He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but he doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else in case he changes his mind about you in the future??!!!

Forget this guy and work on your sense of self and self-esteem. You are single and should be having no feelings of guilt for wanting to have sex with or date or get married to anyone else. You are a completely free and self-determining woman. Not some princess in a tower waiting for this coke addicted 'prince' to rock up.

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