Funeral 'etiquette'

(55 Posts)
JaffaBiscuits Thu 25-Nov-21 15:17:52

A former colleague of my husband's sadly died recently, they had kept in touch occasionally and he thought a lot of him.

The funeral is next week, I had never met him so I think it'd be weird if I went, but DH has said he would like me to go with him.

Is it the right thing that only DH goes and would it be weird if I went too?

AIBU - Go to the funeral with DH.
YANBU - No don't go, it would be odd.

OP’s posts: |
PanettoneSeason Fri 26-Nov-21 08:39:11

I’d go in that situation. I’ve been to funerals with my DH, both family and friends, where I had never met the person.

When my gran passed, my now MIL attended the funeral despite never having met my gran - she said she wanted to pay her respects to my family which was nice but a bit awkward as the families hadn’t met yet. Now DH was working away from home and couldn’t get leave to come home so he wasn’t there. She brought along 2 friends that I’d never met though - that was weird!

gofg Fri 26-Nov-21 08:27:29

I have never understood people going to funerals of people they actually didn't know. I find it intrusive tbh. Its not a party/wedding.

You go to a funeral to support the living, it doesn't matter if you didn't know the deceased. Such strange attitudes on MN. Funerals are public events, anyone can go if they so wish - if you want to hand pick who attends then hold a private one.

HeronLanyon Fri 26-Nov-21 07:42:36

At my mums funeral there were people she hadn’t met (not many) but eg partners of friends, a few had childcare probs and asked beforehand if that would be ok - special needs etc but they really wanted to be there - some friends of mine from childhood who brought H/W etc. I didn’t think anything of any of this. The bulk of people did know her and those who didn’t were really welcome and understandable. Don’t think there were any utter strangers but around 200 who I knew were attending were there and I wasn’t really paying attention and wouldn’t have spent a moment worrying about it if there had been others for any reason.
Memorial party afterwards was catered so I did keep track of numbers for that part of the afternoon.
I know some cultures see funerals as public and open to the public generally. Others as being very private etc. Plus guided by what the family wants and what the dead person would have wanted. Balancing act.

Lockdownbear Fri 26-Nov-21 07:27:22

MrsMargaretBeaufort

I have never understood people going to funerals of people they actually didn't know. I find it intrusive tbh. Its not a party/wedding.

In what way is it intrusive?
People at a funeral are there to support the living as well as close the chapter on the dead person's life.

lizziesiddal79 Fri 26-Nov-21 07:20:12

I went to my friend’s father’s funeral. I had never met her father. I was there to support my friend.

AnxiousPixie Fri 26-Nov-21 07:12:44

I'd go to support husband.

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MrsMargaretBeaufort Fri 26-Nov-21 06:57:14

I have never understood people going to funerals of people they actually didn't know. I find it intrusive tbh. Its not a party/wedding.

GeorgiaGirl52 Fri 26-Nov-21 06:50:28

TotallySuper

You're going to support your DH it doesn't matter if you knew the deceased or not.

This^

whateveritwilltake Fri 26-Nov-21 06:49:06

*Ironically, Funeral services are generally a the more the merrier situation. You should attend with your husband if he prefers and you are available.

The loved ones of the deceased are often comforted by the size of the crowd. If nothing else, quietly paying your respects from the back will help them grieve*

Totally agree. What I find odd is going to a wedding of someone I've never met

HeronLanyon Fri 26-Nov-21 06:31:52

I see things have now changed from latest update.
Prior Tor hat I just thought of my dp said they needed support at a funeral and I didn’t think the family would object then no way would I second guess it - I’d go if possible - to give support as asked for.
See your DH didn’t really mean it or his need has changed - whatever.

gofg Fri 26-Nov-21 06:29:58

You're going to support your DH it doesn't matter if you knew the deceased or not.

This. It wouldn't be weird to go at all. It's very common for a partner to go for support.

Honestly I thought ut was strange, and felt like our day "to say goodbye" was taken over by people that I hardly knew, didn't really want there and had never met my grandparents.

That's rather a strange attitude, but surely if you only want close family/friends there then you have a private funeral.

drunkensailorette Fri 26-Nov-21 06:16:11

Did he want you to go so he could have a drink after and you drive him home?

Eeyoresideyestigger Fri 26-Nov-21 05:57:31

Glad you're not going OP.

Spaces are limited at crematoriums and churches. It's all very well your DH inviting you along but not at expense of people who did know and love the deceased person having to stand or be squashed - all so your DH has 'company in the car'

My view is you don't go to funeral unless invited or know the person well .

Whingasaurus Fri 26-Nov-21 05:55:32

Normally I'd say go and I'm all for life getting back to normal but they will be lots of old people at a funeral and needless extras just increase risk for them. It's an old colleague not a close family member he can go alone

JaffaBiscuits Fri 26-Nov-21 05:39:27

Glad I'm not the only one, @GoodVibesHere. I'd want a similar send off! No fuss or ceremony. I wouldn't want strangers to attend either, it doesn't sit right.

DH has now said he doesn't mind, he'll go for the service and then come home, I think he just fancied company on the car drive. grin

OP’s posts: |
GoodVibesHere Thu 25-Nov-21 19:44:50

Personally I think it's odd to attend a funeral of someone you've never met. Unless your DH is going to really really struggle.

Some people seem to enjoy funerals, my MIL used to go even if she barely knew the person 😂 I think this was pure noseyness, and not wanting to miss out on any local gossip. I find it rude.

This is one of the reasons that I want a direct cremation for myself when the time comes, with no service of any kind. I don't want strangers rocking up to gawp.

blubberyboo Thu 25-Nov-21 18:50:54

It’s the done thing for people to attend funerals not because they knew the deceased but to support their family and friends and pay respects.

It’s not like a wedding or social event so you don’t need to think of yourself as a plus one. You don’t need an invitation and most close mourners won’t notice that you are a stranger. They’ll think you knew the deceased.
Also people don’t really just catch up at funerals so you wouldn’t be in the way. The others would be respectful of your presence and include you.

Just go

peboh Thu 25-Nov-21 18:19:00

I have been to a couple of funerals with DH where I've never met the person whose funeral it was, for any number of reasons. If he asks me, I'll go with him. It's a simple as that.
Perhaps your husband doesn't want to talk to old friends or catch up, perhaps he just wants to go and pay his respects to the deceased and leave. He may be perfectly fine emotionally, or he may genuinely just find funerals really difficult no matter who it is.

JaffaBiscuits Thu 25-Nov-21 18:04:36

drunkensailorette

I wouldn't go in those circumstances- if your DH was struggling emotionally because it was a close friend that would be different.

He definitely won't be struggling emotionally, and it would be tricky to get the time off work for me (not impossible though).

I guess also I think it'll be 'nicer' for his other friends to speak to him without me there, and worry they'd think it was weird I had come along with no connection to the deceased confused

It's reassuring to know there's no wrong or right though and it wouldn't be offensive if I went; I'll have a gentle chat with DH...

OP’s posts: |
Newnameforabit Thu 25-Nov-21 17:46:51

It's not a question of you thinking he'll be fine on his own .He has asked you to attend with him , I'd go to offer my support to my husband
It's really not unusual

drunkensailorette Thu 25-Nov-21 17:21:59

I wouldn't go in those circumstances- if your DH was struggling emotionally because it was a close friend that would be different.

FestiveMayo Thu 25-Nov-21 17:20:36

If he knows other people going then he should go with them. But it's not wholly inappropriate for you to go.

bridgetreilly Thu 25-Nov-21 17:15:39

It’s not odd either way, but if your husband would like you there, then go to support him.

CrimbleCrumble1 Thu 25-Nov-21 17:06:02

I think it R to go and support your DH. My SIL had never met my DF but went to his funeral to support my DB.

Lockdownbear Thu 25-Nov-21 16:58:12

MrsTimRiggins

Funerals are for the living, and your husband has asked you to go with him. On that basis, I would go.

This!
I've taken DH to the funeral of someone he didn't know.
Partly to support me and partly to pad out the numbers, sad but true, very elderly, no decendents, had outlived most of her generation and friends.

I've also gone to the funeral of someone I'd never met to support a friend.

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