Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

[NumberZ]

Get one and you’ll have to have your ‘grown up’ catch up another time.

[Josette77]

Say you'd rather it just be the two of you. You'll reschedule for a night when she is free.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal,
When you meet her don't say anything about it,
If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."

[BigSandyBalls2015]

I’ve got similar … but NY eve 🤷🏼‍♀️.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

The DD is older though

[MolkosTeenageAngst]

I think you have to be honest, you could lie and say something has come up meaning you can no longer make it but then that leaves her open to try to include her daughter when you try and rearrange.

Just say sorry, you didn’t realise she was planning to bring her daughter as you were hoping for a grown up catch up. I’d say maybe it’s best if her and her daughter arrange to go to the show together without you and you will rearrange to do something different with the friend just the two of you.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

You can’t say just the two of you- suck it up and just the two of you next time

[ImNotDancing]

If the 15yo wants to go it seems a bit churlish to say no just because you don’t want her to. At 15 she’s capable of sitting through the show and joining in on sensible conversation- if it were a 3yo for example I would agree with you but the 15yo isn’t about to start screaming and running round during the show

[Musicalmistress]

@BigSandyBalls2015

The DD is older though

It still changes the dynamic though. My DD is 15 and I wouldn't invite her along on a catch up with friends I hadn't seen for a while as some things we discuss I wouldn't want her to hear or for others to feel they couldn't talk openly.

[CatonMat]

I wouldn't want a 15 yr old joining in with the conversation.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

It's not churlish to say you don't want a 15-year-old to come on an adult night out just because she wants to come.

There is nothing wrong with saying no.

[waltzingparrot]

Could you tell her you've only booked two tickets and she and her daughter can have them and you'll do grown up drinks with her for a catch up the following week. She may actually decide she'd rather go to the theatre with you.

[IslaInthesun]

Just say I didn't realise you were busy,let's rearrange for a time when you're not so we can have a proper catch up

[Eddielzzard]

What MolkosTeenageAngst said otherwise you end up twisting yourself in knots when she comes up with other ideas - that still include her DD.

[Ducksurprise]

I can't believe so many say it is OK. Its not, it changes everything. Agree with those saying be honest and rearrange.

[Kanaloa]

@Disfordarkchocolate

It's not churlish to say you don't want a 15-year-old to come on an adult night out just because she wants to come.

There is nothing wrong with saying no.

Has the daughter asked to come? From op I gathered the mother wants her daughter to come.

I agree in principle it’s acceptable to say no I want it to be the two of us adults, but in real life I think it would spoil the evening. If she wants her daughter to come and you refuse, she’s not likely to be in the best mood, is she? And then if the girl comes and you don’t want her there you’ll be resentful.

Can you cancel and rearrange for another time?

[Skyeheather]

You are both on different pages - you are looking forward to a proper evening/night?out/catch up with a friend you haven't seen for a long time and she's seeing it as casual reunion in which she will bring her daughter along and leave soon after (assuming a 15 year old won't want to spend an evening having drinks with her Mum and friend).

I would just tell her the truth and if the 15 year old really wants to see the show do something else another time with your friend.

[UnsuitableHat]

I wouldn’t like this, especially as it’s so long since you’ve seen your friend. It does shift the dynamic - 15 yo may be bored for example. So I might just allow a bit of surprise to be visible about the request - show I don’t think it’s exactly the norm.
However, I’d suck it up and get her the ticket. Daughter may be keen to see the show. And you might have a v nice time together.

[underneaththeash]

Use the drinks thing. Most bars wouldn't let a 15 year old in.

[Holly60]

@Disfordarkchocolate

It's not churlish to say you don't want a 15-year-old to come on an adult night out just because she wants to come.

There is nothing wrong with saying no.

But OP will have to be prepared for her friend to cancel altogether. She may well choose to spend the evening with her daughter rather than her friend.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal,
When you meet her don't say anything about it,
If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."

What? 😲

[almahart]

It's annoying. This is a friend who I am fond of but who can be quite self absorbed. Has she said upfront let's all go together, or had organised and invited me that would be one thing but I feel a bit hijacked.

I have a LOT going on atm and am not massively in the mood to tiptoe around people or to compromise.

I would actually really like to see this play though

[CounsellorTroi]

@underneaththeash

Use the drinks thing. Most bars wouldn't let a 15 year old in.

They might if she was with two adults.

I agree with pp that OP should cancel, tell the friend to go on her own with the daughter and rearrange something else later on.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@MolkosTeenageAngst

I think you have to be honest, you could lie and say something has come up meaning you can no longer make it but then that leaves her open to try to include her daughter when you try and rearrange.

Just say sorry, you didn’t realise she was planning to bring her daughter as you were hoping for a grown up catch up. I’d say maybe it’s best if her and her daughter arrange to go to the show together without you and you will rearrange to do something different with the friend just the two of you.

This is good. I would agree with being honest.

[Pinksloth]

This is so rude!

Okay if she'd asked you if you minded having her daughter along but to just ask you to get her a ticket. Rude.

I think I'd suggest you went out together another time and see the play with someone else. Be prepared to be offended though because if she's that self absorbed she might see her daughter as an extension of herself and not understand why you'd not be delighted to spend an evening with her.