AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

(461 Posts)
minervas1 Thu 28-Oct-21 12:22:35

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP’s posts: |
Bargoed Thu 28-Oct-21 12:25:16

Honestly you don't drive and have no empathy just how bloody exhausting it is!

SeaToSki Thu 28-Oct-21 12:27:18

I think you should learn how to drive before Christmas next year and then take the train etc to your family this year.

1FootInTheRave Thu 28-Oct-21 12:27:31

You are totally unreasonable.

Get the train?

cheninblanc Thu 28-Oct-21 12:27:43

I think yabu to expect him to do it when you won't. It's his leave and there is no possibility in sharing the drive, it will be busy, dark early, wet roads. Lazy is a very harsh word for someone who will have to do all the driving

MrsMouse03 Thu 28-Oct-21 12:27:49

I get it from his point of view as driving is tiring especially when roads are busy and you do have to concentrate the whole time.

Can family visit you at your home?

BaronessBomburst Thu 28-Oct-21 12:28:48

Driving 4 hours in winter weather, with poor light, or even worse, low sun is tiring and the last thing I would want to do on my days off.

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Ohwhatfunwehad Thu 28-Oct-21 12:28:51

Non drivers have no idea how annoying it is for drivers to play taxi.

Get the train, learn to drive and listen to your DH. This will only become more problematic if you have children

1FootInTheRave Thu 28-Oct-21 12:28:55

I can't believe you have the audacity to call him a lazy dick.

You're the lazy one who never learned to drive.

Stop leeching lifts and sort yourself out.

peboh Thu 28-Oct-21 12:29:01

I completely understand where he's coming from, I also wouldn't fancy driving around places on my annual leave, especially around Christmas. Why can't your families come to you? Why does your DH have to do all the ferry work?

DamnShesaSexyChick Thu 28-Oct-21 12:29:13

You need to learn to drive

Catnuzzle Thu 28-Oct-21 12:29:22

I'm with your DH. If he's the driver he gets to decide. You could always ask for lessons for your Xmas present!

Ifailed Thu 28-Oct-21 12:29:59

He's offered to drive you to visit your parents. Surely it's up to him if he visits his own parents?

BTW, as you don't drive, how do you know that the 4 hour journey is not difficult?

LagunaBubbles Thu 28-Oct-21 12:30:14

It actually crossed your mind he's being lazy?

husbandcallsmepickle Thu 28-Oct-21 12:30:26

Why can't your families come to you?

DariaMorgendorffer Thu 28-Oct-21 12:30:36

A lazy dick? confused that's horrible! Driving is exhausting. I do a lot of it, and am used to it, confident etc ... but it's the last thing I'd want to do on my Christmas week off.

Orchidflower1 Thu 28-Oct-21 12:31:42

Yabu - and tbh I think you should feel happy that your dh would RATHER spend Christmas just the two of you than visiting relatives. I’m sure there are loads on here who’s love that!! Unless this is some weird reverse, get off your soap box, appreciate your dh and see family during December as he’s suggested.

NailsNeedDoing Thu 28-Oct-21 12:32:00

No, he’s not just being a lazy dick. Four hours driving is a huge chore, especially if it’s for something you’re not bothered about doing. He’s being generous and kind to you by agreeing to take you to see your family

The compromise is you learn to drive, and then you can share the chore.

Justcallmebebes Thu 28-Oct-21 12:32:30

4 hours of motorway driving is hell and I wouldn't want to do this at Christmas either. You need to learn to drive and share the load or get the train.

Non drivers don't get to dictate (obviously only in driving related matters, not everything!)

CanofCant Thu 28-Oct-21 12:32:33

YABU. It's absolutely shite being the designated driver, especially at Christmas time when it's more appealing to sit at home scoffing food and drinking booze.

He has compromised and offered to make a trip to your parents over his own and you are complaining and calling him names.

TeeBee Thu 28-Oct-21 12:32:40

I'm totally with your DH on this one. I have family who live 4 hours away and its an utter pain in the arse to have to visit them just because its Christmas. I've stopped doing it.
If you're so keen to go, learn to drive or use public transport.

reluctantbrit Thu 28-Oct-21 12:32:43

Driving 4 hours is tiring, especially if you do it twice in a matter of 3 days in maybe bad weather.

I can totally understand your DH, we did something like that twice to see our parents and I don't really want to do it again soon.

Doing it beginning of December is a lot easier and in my opinion nicer as you are not in the middle of last minute Christmas and going out maybe is less stressful.

NewmummyJ Thu 28-Oct-21 12:32:43

Driving is really tiring, Christmas is a tiring time of year. I'm afraid I'm with him on this one!

India92 Thu 28-Oct-21 12:33:11

Wow OP...I'm lost for words at you.

Why don't you learn to drive? I can't believe you called him a lazy dick for not wanting to do an exhausting winter drive, YABVU.

LawnFever Thu 28-Oct-21 12:33:30

I’ve spent past Christmas holidays driving hours all over the country and I agree with your DH, it’s exhausting and takes up so much time.

You’re very cheeky to suggest he’s lazy not to want to do all the driving!

Why don’t you learn to drive? Then you could at least share driving in the future.

Or as others have said is there any reason people can’t visit you instead?

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